Shocking New Developments!
(Please note that this article is to be read to the tune of the theme from "St. Elmo's Fire")
As many of you are aware, this past week, LanceandEskimo.com has been holding its election to determine once and for all, and beyond any doubt, who is the Cutest Redcloud Brother. Jacques, Nate (Chef Elf), Paul (Meatz), Laura (girl), and Lance pryingly vied for the title.
Unfortunately, it appeared that many were indeed afraid to vote for the fourth party candidate simply because they felt it would be a wasted vote. To this, Jacques responded "a vote for me is not a vote for Chef Elf. A vote for Jacques is a vote for Jacques!"
Also of sudden concern, shocking allegations that Jacques himself was not a puppy as was claimed in his campaign. And that his campaign was in fact linked to big oil, which was necessary to gas up his mom's car, drive home, and write his campaign article.
Also, criticism of the polling methods and their vast inaccuracies arose when, to the surprise of all, Jacques demanded a recount.
Retarded ballot in question
Lawyers for Jacques argued: "As you can see, the ballot itself is flawed in numerous places. Let's say that I was going in to cast my vote for Jacques, and I was an idiot, and couldn't read... then how would I go about doing that? For instance, examine the ballot. There are clearly a few names on it. How am I to know which person I'm actually voting for when I fill in the dot?"
Although the margin of difference in votes was slim, and somewhere in the double digits, Jacques was still only able to capture a small degree of the popular vote. As there is no electoral college to speak of, debates will assuredly continue upon how to process the results of this voting.
All parties, though, seem to agree upon the fact that much of the troubles stem from this ass:
This unidentified ass was identified as an ass.
And then, in a bizarre turn of events, even for the Internet (home of assorted garbage), a press release from Jacques suddenly and inexplicably conceded the election and heaved his support behind cuteness candidate and fellow columnist Paul. It was later revealed that this was partially a result of Chef Elf's radical views on leprechauns in the military (vehemently opposed by Jacques in the past), the fact that Lance isn't real, and the fact that Laura still has cooties. And so, it seems, it was to be the lesser of four evils.
Excerpt from Jacques' concession speech:
It has been a long road indeed. [pause for two claps] We have stood our ground in the face of insurmountable odds, and we have made clear what we have set out to make clear: that I was a candidate for Cutest Brother Redcloud... and now I am not. And so I must bow out of this election and concede to what must be. Good night... God bless the Internet... and fuck you all.