• The Laura University History Department
  • Laura vs Essays for Harvard: Battle of the Century
  • The Apology of Lance and Eskimo Dot Com
  • Jacques Sees a Movie!
  • Are You Me?
  • I'm Off
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home


  • The Lewgosset Musk World Domination Page
  • The Anonymous Blonde
  • Flash

  • Dr. Hansen's Face Wash Commercial
  • Bilbo the Talking Gondar
  • Fun

  • Jerry Bruckheimer Plot Generator
  • O Canada - a sequel of sorts
  • Blogs

  • The Anonymous Blonde
  • Chefelf.com
  • Jacques Talk

    CHUD vs. the Board of Education
    (Just What it Sounds Like)

    A landmark court decision viewed as part of the core curriculum for every American History class syllabus in schools throughout the U.S., the case of CHUD vs. the Board of Education has gone on to define much of what our present day legal system stands for.

    CHUDDuring the 1980s and 1990s, CHUD (or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) were subjected to harsh injustices of all kinds. Many prominent black leaders have likened the CHUD struggle to the African Americanís own struggle for civil rights. But even then, many from across the board (white, black, Jewish, Christian) joined hands in their attempt to draw attention to the injustices that were being committed against the African American community. In contrast, during a 1984 CHUD march on the White House, despite the fact that a few other races and religions began the march with them, none were to be seen or heard from when it came time to rally before the Washington Monument. The CHUD stood alone.

    CHUD freedom and self-esteem was at an all-time low. Dining establishments would simply refuse to serve them, and CHUD didnít seem to be welcome anywhere. Their crude habits and all-consuming obsession with and taste for human flesh was often ridiculed. Whenever a child was late for supper or simply missing, the nearest CHUD would always be the first eyes would turn to.

    Stereotypes were rampant, portraying CHUD as lazy and unindustrious, while, in fact, CHUD could often be seen prowling the streets, working late into the night, going about their various CHUD-related tasks when others had long since fallen to their placid sleep.

    CHUD hate literature

    CHUD hate literature distributed during trial

    But when the CHUD petitioned for desegregation in the Alabama school system, the world listened. The following is a key excerpt from the actual court transcripts of the case (all to be read with a thick Southern accent).

    Prosecution: Your honor, weíd like to file a motion to suppress the cannibalism on the grounds that it may unfairly bias the jury.

    Defense: Your honor! Thatís my clientís entire defense!

    Prosecution: Your honor, given this stateís bias toward CHUD, I see it as the only reasonable course of action.

    Your Honor (perplexed): CHUD?

    Prosecution: Should CHUD be segregated from the others just because they eat skin, whatever color it may happen to be? Once weíve torn away and eaten the flesh, arenít we all just the same underneath?... Before we eat that too.

    Defense: Objection your honor; prosecution is playing race as an issue.

    Your Honor: Iíll allow it. Continue.

    Prosecution: Judge them not by the color of the skin they eat, but simply by the fact that theyíre eating skin.

    [Crowd in courtroom stands and claps.]

    Some guy in the crowd: Ye-ah muthafuka right on!

    Your Honor: Order in the court!

    CHUD: Iíll have the defense counselor with a side of sauerkraut.

    Defense: Your honor! I object to being eaten!

    Prosecution: I object to defense counselís objection to being eaten. Defense is bringing up evidence that the court has agreed to suppress.

    Defense: No we havenít!

    Prosecution: Your Honor, cannibalism was rendered inadmissible.

    Defense: No it wasnít!

    Prosecution: Such a shame. This coming from such a tasty morsel as yourself.

    Defense: Objection your honor. Counsel is assuming facts not in evidence.

    Your Honor: Then your taste will be entered into the record. Bailiff CHUD Nougat, please enter defense counselís taste into record.

    Defense: Objection withdrawn your honor.

    Prosecution: Damn straight.

    Defense: Isnít prosecution supposed to be questioning the CHUD?

    Prosecution: "The CHUD"? Your honor, I simply object to the circumstances of this trial, and such juvenile behavior and obvious bias.

    Defense: Prosecution is showboating!

    Your Honor: Under the peculiar circumstances, Iíll allow it.

    Defense: Holy tree branches of fuck!

    Your Honor: Defense counselís expletive so noted.

    Defense: Cock sucking monkey-bat fuckers from hell!

    Your Honor: You will only be given so much leeway in this, defense counsel.

    Defense: Do we really want CHUD in our neighborhoods with our friends? Teaching our kids? Having sex with our wives? And then eating them all?... Is this what we want for our children? The next thing we know, theyíll be feasting on Christian babies, just like the Jews.

    Prosecution: Your honor, CHUD are nothing like the Jews. CHUD just want what every other God-fearing American citizen wants, the opportunities laid out for them in the U.S. Constitution. The very lifeblood of this nation. After all, "U.S." spells "us".

    Your Honor: What the fuck does that mean?

    Defense: Circus-elephant humping zombie crack-ass goat shit.

    Your Honor: Iím sorry. It appears that the emotions drawn out by this trial are running high and will require a short recess for us to compose ourselves. 15 minutes.

    Suffice it to say that the CHUD fought on. Into the wee hours of the night, until, the courtroom was theirs. They did, as we all know, gain their political and personal freedoms. Yet, as we are constantly reminded, this will forever remain a filthy stain upon this great nationís reputation. But then, as the saying goes, the rest of this mother-fucking-monkey-humping-sack-of-shit... is history.




  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 13)
  • Gullible's Travels: Day Seventeen
  • Armageddon: More like GIRLmageddon!
  • The Fun Book of Fabulous Fast Facts
  • Contributing Writers

  • Overrated: Diamonds (Mama Redcloud)
  • Boots (Mama Redcloud)
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com


  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Cowboy Comics Vol. 2
  • Company X #005
  • Quizzes

  • The What Kind Of Girl Are You? Quiz
  • Which Suicidal Poetess Are You?
  • Fiction

  • A Night On The Tiles
  • The Further Adventures of Johnny Woonsocket's Adventures
  • Star Wars

  • What I Know About Star Wars
  • 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I (pt. 5)