• The Lance and Eskimo Conversation Generator
  • Are You Nate's Girlfriend Material?
    more..
  • Valentineís Day
  • Embassy Blues
    more..
  • Ask Yahtzee
  • Richard and Maureen's Amazing Time Travel Adventure
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • Tegrisome
  • Fully Ramblomatic.com
    more..
  • Flash

  • Dr. Hansen's Face Wash Commercial
  • Paul's Dream
    more..
  • Fun

  • Posto!
  • The Rabid Pro-Lizzie McGuire Hate Mail Creator
    more..
  • Cutest Brother

  • Why I Should Be Cutest Redcloud Brother
  • Elect Chefelf
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    3000 Miles to Graceland
    or
    Up an Ocean Without a Paddle

    Recently, I viewed a film that put everything into perspective for me. And that film was 3000 Miles to Graceland. In my opinion, this film is Kevin Costnerís best and/or worst film ever. Kurt Russell delivers brilliantly adequate entertainment. But what the &$%#!

    Perhaps I should just get right to the point of my dispute: At no point in the freakiní movie was it at all 3000 miles to Graceland!

    Now I myself am a geographical buffoon. But, with my wondrous resources at hand, I conducted a circular check 3,000 miles all around Memphis, TN (ie. Graceland), and the results were startling. 3000 miles north of Graceland lies the Arctic Ocean. 3000 miles south of Graceland lies the South Pacific Ocean. 3000 miles east of Graceland lies the North Atlantic Ocean. 3000 miles west of Graceland lies the North Pacific Ocean.

    6000 x pi miles around graceland

    Could it be that these screenwriters/producers/directors... thoughtfully devised the working title X# of Miles to Graceland through some massively productive brainstorming session and were merely too exhausted to consult a real map in their haste, yet delicate meticulousness, to create a brilliant work of art?

    Now, this lays the groundwork for a startling conspiracy theory of mine. That this movie that simply masquerades as the film 3000 Miles to Graceland, is in fact far, far more. It is in fact Waterworld, repackaged with a snazzy new title! Seeing as so few of us in the movie viewing public have actually seen Waterworld is then quite unlikely that we are in any position to dispute this claim and believe anything other than what we are fed: that this is in fact a new movie.

    And for those of you who have indeed seen Waterworld (Ed, Bob, and Paul), watch out. If the movie industry has taught me anything about conspiracies, itís that youíre each going to die one by one before detective McIznee gets too close to the truth.

    Now perhaps this movie could more accurately and sensibly have been called 2000 miles to 3000 miles to Graceland. Why, for the love of God, wasnít it?

    Would they have us believe Graceland is 3000 miles away from anything?* I have one word for them... and us: morons...



    * Apologies to Alaska and Brazil.

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • Join the Cub Scouts or DIE!
  • Where's the Protocol? (part 1) - How to Get a Coffee
    more..
  • Paul is At Best Lukewarm About the USA PATRIOT Act
  • An Exciting WWII Story
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Overrated: The Mona Lisa (Papa Redcloud)
  • Overrated: The Declaration of Independence (Papa Redcloud)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance and Eskimo Think About Spiders
  • Company X # 021
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • Your Love Horoscope for 12/02
  • The Lance and Eskimo Career Aptitude Test (Short Version)
    more..
  • Fiction

  • My Fool is a Crock
  • The Peace Coat
    more..
  • TV

  • Hawaii Five-Oh-Yeah!
  • Laura Reviews: State of Grace