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Today in the News: Hackers Hate You

For centuries, hackers have destroyed everything. In ancient times, hackers attacked castles with flaming arrows, catapults, and Trojan horses. Today, they have found a much more delicious, plump and honey-dipped target: you.

      What is a hacker? Webster's dictionary (I assume) defines a "hacker" as "one who hacks." But a hacker is so much more. Recent studies have shown that hackers are attacking with more deadly force than ever.

      Hackers can steal your identity, your pets, even your wife. All with a few clicks of a mouse. The reasons for this are three-fold. First, many hackers don't have wives of their own. Second, hackers like to test their skills by attacking cowering weaklings, such as yourself. Third, it's like that movie, Revenge of the Nerds, with Robert Carradine. Hackers attack you because they failed and life, and you succeeded. Or vice versa.

      Hackers employ several methods toward the end of acquiring your spouse or significant other. First, infiltration hacking, which means stealing your identity in order to infiltrate your house: acquiring your wife, children, pets, clothes, belongings, etc. Second, social hacking, in which the hacker employs social methods (such as dates) to lure your wife away from you.

Hacker Tools of the Trade

  • Virus: When you or your personal computer is sick, it is easier for a hacker to lure your wife away. The hacker sets up a program on your computer which makes it so that when you type, you get evil germs which make you sick. Your wife would rather believe that a strapping, healthy (if myopic) hacker is her beloved than a snivelling flu-ridden mess such as yourself.
  • Worm: Hackers use highly intelligent mechanical worms to infiltrate your house and found out top-secret information that they can use against you: pet names for your wife, sexual practices, etc. These worms, which are adorable and Richard Scarry-esque, then report this information to the hackers in exchange for fertile soil and laterhosen.
  • Trojan horse: A Trojan horse is something which looks appealing, but is actually dangerous, such as a seductive maid or baby-sitter who cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids for you, wins your trust, and then steals your wife.
  • Blended Attack: This is where a hacker sends a worm into your house to infect you with a virus and gather information that will help a Trojan horse to attract your wife and children away while youíre sick in bed.

Protect Yourself Against Hackers!

Use non-obvious passwords. Make sure you have a completely random mix of letters, numbers, symbols, doodles, and heiroglyphics. Remember: if itís possible for any human being to remember it, itís not safe! Also, never write your password down in a file on your computer, on your actual computer, on a slip of paper or foolscap left at your desk or kept about your person.

Back up your information regularly. Your entire hard-drive should be copied to eight inch floppy disks meticulously piece by piece every hour on the hour.

Use anti-virus, firewall and patch programs. Make sure you download from wily websites such as wearenothackers.com, born2hack.org, stealyourwife.net, or any Geocities or Angelfire site.

Be careful with e-mail. Never open an attachment or, for that matter, an e-mail that is from anyone other than yourself. Actually, stay away from e-mail altogether.