15 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex
- chocolate is non-judgmental
- chocolate likes to cuddle
- no one ever heard of "chocolate crimes"
- if a maid left sex on your pillow, you would be sad
- chocolate is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy
- sex produces babies, and babies consume our world's precious zwieback reserve
- your boyfriend never starts crying and singing the French national anthem while eating chocolate
- chocolate isn't morally wrong
- when chocolate strains you to its manly bosom, you can feel its throbbing masculinity underneath its rough peasant garb
- unlike sex, chocolate never tries to pull off outdated rap slang, claiming that you are "fronting" and asking its peeps to give a shout out
- in televised debates, chocolate always wins because sex looks all jowly on camera
- physiologically speaking, the human orgasm uses the same muscles as being abandoned on a desert island
- chocolate never assembles in groups of 99 for a ceremony that teaches children to hate their Christian God (oh wait, that's why chocolate is better than Smurfs)
- Albert Schweitzer is made of fudge
- every time you have sex, another baby kitten dies
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