• Internet Tips for Kids
  • Pismo Tenderloins 2
    more..
  • Jacques Applies to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart!
  • Jacques Asks Jeeves
    more..
  • Candyman: Day of the Dead
  • My Tribute to the U.S.
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Misbegotten Oregon Trail Journal Site
  • Angel Blue
    more..
  • Flash

  • Caolan's Birthday Movie
  • Paul's Ignorant Octopus Spin Doctor
    more..
  • Fun

  • This Glorious City Weather Report
  • Posto!
    more..
  • Extinct Beverages

  • Extinct Beverage: Chubby
  • Extinct Beverage: 180 Energy Drink
  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    15 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    • chocolate is non-judgmental
    • chocolate likes to cuddle
    • no one ever heard of "chocolate crimes"
    • if a maid left sex on your pillow, you would be sad
    • chocolate is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy
    • sex produces babies, and babies consume our world's precious zwieback reserve
    • your boyfriend never starts crying and singing the French national anthem while eating chocolate
    • chocolate isn't morally wrong
    • when chocolate strains you to its manly bosom, you can feel its throbbing masculinity underneath its rough peasant garb
    • unlike sex, chocolate never tries to pull off outdated rap slang, claiming that you are "fronting" and asking its peeps to give a shout out
    • in televised debates, chocolate always wins because sex looks all jowly on camera
    • physiologically speaking, the human orgasm uses the same muscles as being abandoned on a desert island
    • chocolate never assembles in groups of 99 for a ceremony that teaches children to hate their Christian God (oh wait, that's why chocolate is better than Smurfs)
    • Albert Schweitzer is made of fudge
    • every time you have sex, another baby kitten dies

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

  • Gullible's Travels: Day Nine
  • Computer Keyboards
    more..
  • A New L&E Promo
  • The Creepy Cable Cartoon Guy
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Do You Assume Too Much About Other People? (Nick)
  • Caolan's Birthday Movie (Caolan)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance and Eskimo Lose the Refrigerator
  • Lance and Eskimo in a Magazine
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • The L&E Boyfriend Generator
  • The Borscht Period: A Hippo Phenomenology
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Elf vs. Beast (Again)
  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 11)
    more..
  • Movie Reviews

  • Leprechaun
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon