XFL: Starting Over
A great deal of apprehension and speculation arose out of the problem over what to do with the XFL (recently canceled brainchild football league of NBC and some white guy).
As XFL coordinator specialist Tom Fitzhume explained: "Well, now that the XFL is over, we were suddenly thinking to ourselves: what the fuck are we going to do with all these guys? I mean, what the hell do you do with an entire football league? And I don’t want them all crashing at my place. First we were throwing around options like installing George W. Bush’s Missle Defense Shield. But then it came to us. What better way to redeem ourselves in the eyes of our country and God than by discovering the lost island of Atlantis? I mean, we’ve got so many Ph.D.s and all in the league in, like, archeology and the classics. So why the fuck not?”
From the L.A. Raptors team, fullback Eddie "Tomahawk” Malloy was quoted as saying: "few people know this, but there are only a couple of distinct reference to Atlantis and they’re both recorded in Plato’s dialogues, one of which being ‘Critias’; and that’s, in fact, the basis for all other speculation. So it’s the only true reference we’ve decided to go on. We have teams scouring portions of the Atlantic at this very moment. And the New York Mavericks seem to have stumbled upon something of grand significance that I’m simply not at liberty to discuss at present moment. My theory on the disappearance of Atlantis is a very basic one. The main core of the theory itself is that the inhabitants of Atlantis just kept shitting and pissing and they couldn’t stop, and they had nowhere else to throw it, so that eventually, all that shit and piss weighed down the island until it sank into the ocean.”
Dr. "Razor” Johnson, quarterback of the Connecticut Reamers excitedly noted: "It’s an exciting prospect. We could be the next Doug McClures! We expect to find dinosaurs, magical airships, and beautiful mermaids with shells over their honkers. As such, we’re preparing for all manner of eventuality. We’re going to be very careful not to do or touch anything that may affect the course of history in case we accidentally go back in time without realizing it.”
Still, other members of the XFL league remain skeptical, such as the Texas Schooners wide receiver Edmund "Cougar” Roth: "My years at Oxford have taught me one thing: to be skeptical, yet keep an opened mind. It’s clearly obvious that Plato’s ‘Atlantis’ was merely designed as an analogy (on ideal cities) to work within the confines of the dialogues. Despite that, I’m sure looking forward to those mermaids with shells over their honkers.”
Jimmy "Fat Fuck” Brown of the L.A. Tablecloths went on record a bit more disapprovingly: "Personally, I don’t give a damn. My suggestion was we go after something more practical like the ark of the covenant or the holy grail. But, then again, what can you expect from a second-rate football league? They’re out to prove something. I hope they discover Atlantis just as the NFL discovers the ark of the covenant. With the XFL’s luck, something like that’s just bound to happen; and I want to be there to say ‘I told you so’.”
So, as the AFL roams over Alexandria and the NFL is gathering itself for a concerted effort in Cairo, the XFL probes the depths of the Atlantic, ever the butt of jokes. And, with their luck, they probably will bumble over Atlantis, just as the Messiah arrives on earth.