• Lance and Eskimo in a Magazine
  • Nabisco's Triscuits
    more..
  • Search for the Elusive Hawaii Steak Elf
  • I have a dream
    more..
  • Why it Would Kick Arse to be Freddy Krueger
  • Why Cinemas Suck
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • Angel Blue
  • Fully Ramblomatic.com
    more..
  • Flash

  • Videotape Living Will
  • Dr. Hansen's Face Wash Commercial
    more..
  • Fun

  • Where Are You Going When You Die?
  • The Random Talk Show Generator
    more..
  • Bruce Campbell

  • Evil Dead 2
  • The Day I Met Bruce Campbell - Part One
  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    More Like The Penultimate Resort!

    This article was written 100% by Paul, 100% by Laura, while they were both 100% engaged in watching television. It's like the holy trinity.

              There's this new show out, The Last Resort, where you watch couples argue. We think that this is the worst possible idea. I mean, think about it. What life experience is there more unpleasant than watching a couple argue? Why watch on TV something that, when viewed in RL (real life), makes you want to be a thousand feet underground? Unless there's a TV a thousand feet underground with really amazing programming. Maybe the network has a plan to put a TV a thousand feet under every other TV, and that's their plan.

              But as it is, The Last Resort doesn't capture the full range, the vibrant multi-hued horror, that is watching a couple fight. The thing that really makes this situation awkward is, of course, you being there. All you can do is blink and bite your lip and weakly murmur, "Come on guys," or "I don't like it when mommy and daddy fight."

              Sure, if you think about it, you know the camera man and probably some miscellaneous crew are watching this. But what would make it better is if there was someone on-screen, being subjected to the couple's incessent quarrelling.

              We call this three-person show "Awkward." For each episode, a new couple is brought on, plus a third person who doesn't know them to be present at each argument. During the arguments, the "third wheel" as we call him, must chime in occasionally to make the situation worse. To make sure he doesn't just keep silent, he will have a secret objective for each argument, which will be unknown to the fighting couple. He will need to get some sort of information out of them, like the name of their kindergarten teachers. But he can't come out and just ask--there will be certain words or phrases that, Taboo-like, he cannot say. So the couple will be arguing out their issues, while Mr. (or Ms.!) Third Wheel will be trying to steer the conversation towards the topic of the day.

    BOYFRIEND: Maxine, I don't want to discuss this! Not with--(jerks his head toward Third Wheel)--him present. (The Third Wheel smiles weakly and tugs at collar.)

    GIRLFRIEND: You were full-on hugging that girl! Don't try to deny it!

    THIRD WHEEL: Ahem.

    BOYFRIEND: It was just a friendly hug!

    THIRD WHEEL: Oh--let's see. Yeah, you know. Stuff like this never used to happen back when we were kids. Right guys?

    GIRLFRIEND: Oh, yeah right. She was all over you! I don't call that 'friendly!'

    BOYFRIEND: Do we have to go over this now? In front of that dweeb?

    THIRD WHEEL: Well. This is...

    GIRLFRIEND: If you love her so much, why don't you marry her!

    THIRD WHEEL: ...awkward.

              To ensure maximum awkwardness, the Third Wheel will be extremely shy and will hate conflict. This person will be chosen through a rigorous interview process and signed for the whole season. One interesting facet of the show might be watching this person, over the show's run, slowly gain backbone and learn to deal with fighting couples. Or alternatively, sinking into a cycle of shame and despair. (The interviewers will attempt to choose someone from the latter category.)

              Okay, we know this show sounds horrid, but we plan to watch it regularly, especially because it's a thousand feet below a 24-marathon of Coach.

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

  • Additional Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode II (pt. 2)
  • Company X #008
    more..
  • A Dialogue between A and B
  • Things Paul Ate as a Kid
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Overrated: Citizen Kane (Papa Redcloud)
  • How Long Would it Take to Kill Bill Gates with an Axe? (Paul, Nate, Rory)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Company X #024
  • Company X #012
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • The Girls' Zone Role Models in Science Quiz
  • The Star Wars Episode II Betting Book
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 11)
  • My Fool is a Crock
    more..
  • Geeky

  • The Trouble with LAN Parties
  • Windows XP Part 1