More Like The Penultimate Resort!
This article was written 100% by Paul, 100% by Laura, while they were both 100% engaged in watching television. It's like the holy trinity.
There's this new show out, The Last Resort, where you watch couples argue. We think that this is the worst possible idea. I mean, think about it. What life experience is there more unpleasant than watching a couple argue? Why watch on TV something that, when viewed in RL (real life), makes you want to be a thousand feet underground? Unless there's a TV a thousand feet underground with really amazing programming. Maybe the network has a plan to put a TV a thousand feet under every other TV, and that's their plan.
But as it is, The Last Resort doesn't capture the full range, the vibrant multi-hued horror, that is watching a couple fight. The thing that really makes this situation awkward is, of course, you being there. All you can do is blink and bite your lip and weakly murmur, "Come on guys," or "I don't like it when mommy and daddy fight."
Sure, if you think about it, you know the camera man and probably some miscellaneous crew are watching this. But what would make it better is if there was someone on-screen, being subjected to the couple's incessent quarrelling.
We call this three-person show "Awkward." For each episode, a new couple is brought on, plus a third person who doesn't know them to be present at each argument. During the arguments, the "third wheel" as we call him, must chime in occasionally to make the situation worse. To make sure he doesn't just keep silent, he will have a secret objective for each argument, which will be unknown to the fighting couple. He will need to get some sort of information out of them, like the name of their kindergarten teachers. But he can't come out and just ask--there will be certain words or phrases that, Taboo-like, he cannot say. So the couple will be arguing out their issues, while Mr. (or Ms.!) Third Wheel will be trying to steer the conversation towards the topic of the day.
BOYFRIEND: Maxine, I don't want to discuss this! Not with--(jerks his head toward Third Wheel)--him present.
(The Third Wheel smiles weakly and tugs at collar.)
GIRLFRIEND: You were full-on hugging that girl! Don't try to deny it!
THIRD WHEEL: Ahem.
BOYFRIEND: It was just a friendly hug!
THIRD WHEEL: Oh--let's see. Yeah, you know. Stuff like this never used to happen back when we were kids. Right guys?
GIRLFRIEND: Oh, yeah right. She was all over you! I don't call that 'friendly!'
BOYFRIEND: Do we have to go over this now? In front of that dweeb?
THIRD WHEEL: Well. This is...
GIRLFRIEND: If you love her so much, why don't you marry her!
THIRD WHEEL: ...awkward.
To ensure maximum awkwardness, the Third Wheel will be extremely shy and will hate conflict. This person will be chosen through a rigorous interview process and signed for the whole season. One interesting facet of the show might be watching this person, over the show's run, slowly gain backbone and learn to deal with fighting couples. Or alternatively, sinking into a cycle of shame and despair. (The interviewers will attempt to choose someone from the latter category.)
Okay, we know this show sounds horrid, but we plan to watch it regularly, especially because it's a thousand feet below a 24-marathon of Coach.