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    The Being Kurt Russell Giveaway Sweepstakes

    Enter the "Being Kurt Russell Giveaway Sweepstakes" and be Kurt Russell! The man populating such blockbuster movies as Jewel of the Nile, Escape from Chicago, Terms of Endearment, Romancing the Stone, Basic Instinct, Traffic, A&E Biography: Michael Douglas, and Sweet Tooth II. And such others as Big Trouble in Little China, Tango & Cash, and Sweet Tooth.

    Enter to win the ??mystery prizes??. Each week a new mystery prize will be tossed into the gift bundle until Kurt Russell wins.

    Kurt Russell
    Kurt Russell

    Requirements: You must in fact be Kurt Russell to enter. All other entries will be excluded. Our panel of judges will carefully examine all applications and judge Kurt Russell the winner.

    In order to be eligible for consideration of being Kurt Russell, you must answer the following questions:

    1) Why are you popular?

    2) Wherefore art thou Kurt?

    3) I saw a movie where your wife was kidnapped by a truck driver and at the end the truck driver fell off a cliff and a truck fell on him. Why did this happen? Was it meant to be ironic?

    4) Why did Terms of Endearment suck so badly?

    5) Do you have any incriminating pictures of John Carpenter?

    6) In Big Trouble in Little China, why did that guy suddenly grow really fat and then explode? What kind of special power was that? The other guys could use swords and produce electricity. Did he explode merely to gross the good guys out? Was that meant to be his power? Or did he rather want you to all feel really sorry for him now that he was dead? And did you?

    7) Why did you let John Carpenter write and sing the music for Big Trouble in Little China?

    8) In a fight, who would win, Jodie Foster or Mike Tyson? Explain.

    9) Why did you take part in Turner & Hooch when it was so obviously a rip-off of (and attempt to continue milking the success of) Tango & Cash? What ever happened to Hooch? Do you care? Explain.

    10) Why didn't Sylvester Stallone take part in Turner & Hooch? Was the money not there for him? Was there a question of artistic integrity? Why wasn't it called Tango & Cash II? Why was your part played by Tom Hanks?

    11) What will John Carpenter do if something happens to you?

    12) Prove beyond any reasonable doubt that you are in fact Kurt Russell. Use diagrams extensively.

    13) In a fight, who would win, Jodie Foster or Batman? Explain.

    13) Why weren't you in They Live? Did you and John Carpenter have a fight? How was it finally resolved?

    14a) Name at least 3 people (excluding yourself) who appeared in Big Trouble in Little China. Actor names and character names (first and last). If so, proceed to question 14b.

    14b) Why do you remember them? How? Do you have some sort of specialized memory system? Photographic memory? Do you have that movie on tape somewhere?

    15) If you could be any tree, why did Terms of Endearment suck so badly?

    16) In a fight, who would win, Jodie Foster or Jesus? Explain with all appropriate biblical allusions.

    17) Are you John Carpenter?

    18) What is your social security number? Explain.

    Kurt Russell 19) No, really, what character did you play in They Live? Are you Rowdy Roddy Piper? Explain.

    20) Without looking in a mirror, what color are your eyes?

    21) Have you ever met Jodie Foster? What's her telephone number? Does she like posies?

    22) If you're really Kurt Russell, then spell your name. Explain.

    23) When you did the movie Escape from New York, did you have any idea at the time that there would be an Escape from LA?

    24) When you did the movie Escape from LA, did you have any idea at the time that you had already done a movie called Escape from New York?

    25) In the movie Stargate, how many people lived on that planet? I counted about 300, give or take. Couldn't you have convinced the Hawkmen and the Baron to join in your cause, or was that another movie? You tell me, Kurt Russell.

    26) In the movie Stargate, was that a real nuclear bomb you were setting, or a fake movie one? If it was real, where you aware of it at the time? And would you have still proceeded to set it for the sake of the movie? Would you have sacrificed your life and the life of others for the overall quality and realism of the movie? Did you?

    27) Was the movie Stargate based upon actual events? And where they true?

    28) In the movie Big Trouble in Little China, how many characters could they have proceeded to remove without destroying the continuity of the movie? If your character hadn't been in that movie, would it have been more or less successful? How would they have gotten around the fact that people would have been talking to air if you hadn't been in that movie? Would that have provided for essential comic relief? Would your name still have been listed in the credits for providing this comic relief? Were you actually in They Live, fulfilling the requirement for comic relief?

    29) In the movie Big Trouble in Little China, if you and that baboon-creature had traded places, would that movie have been more or less realistic? Would it have still made as much sense as it did?

    30) Where you upset at not winning an Oscar for Falling Down?

    31) Where you upset at not winning an Oscar for Romancing the Stone?

    32) Do you think you deserved an Oscar for the movie Big Trouble in Little China? No, seriously.

    33) When Hinkley shot President Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, was she impressed? Would she be even more impressed if someone finished the job?

    34) How big do you honestly think Chinatown is?

    35) I once heard a rumor that you can morph into a bear at will.

    36) Do people often confuse you with Michael Douglas?

    37) How many 10 commandments are there? Do not explain.

    38) If you could be Kurt Russell, what would you do?

    39) My God, isn't Jodie Foster so cute? I mean, she's extremely talented, but come on...

    40) If you're really Kurt Russell, then why have you wasted so much time filling out this prize form? What do you think we're going to give you? Do you honestly believe that we intend to give you anything? If so, why don't you wait just a little while longer while we add another mystery prize each week?

    41) Why was your hair blonde in Beastmaster 1 and 3?

    42) Romancing the Stone? (Come on)

    43) I mean I sat through 3 freakin' hours and Nell and Little Man Tate to see her. I did have to fast forward a bit though. I mean, Liam Neeson's okay, but come on, wouldn't more Jodie Foster be even better? Imagine a movie in which she's cloned numerous times. How amazing would that be! Like that Michael Keaton one (Multiplicity?) that just sucked because he wasn't Batman in it. But Jodie Foster can play anything, even Batman. But then, if there were more than one Jodie Foster on screen at a time then... oh my God, who would you be looking at? It would all be so difficult...

    44) Without counting, how many questions have you just answered?

    *

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