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    Dandruff Special Report

    Do you have a problem with dandruff? According to a new study, you are not alone.

    This study, which was performed by a team of medical researchers, who are actually me typing "dandruff" into Google, indicates that there are about 42,000 dandruff sufferers reported every 0.04 seconds.

    Traditionally, doctors have not agreed on the fundamental cause of dandruff. Some speculate that one cause of dandruff is something called "seborrheic dermatitis." Others blame a sinister yeast they call "Pityrosporum Ovale," which, they say, is running rampant, ruining the scalps and social lives of all that fall into its clutches, draining the blood from cattle, and building up a slumbering army in cloning chambers deep within the earth's core, an army which they title "the Super Sandinistas." These latter doctors are, again, me, and not real doctors. Nevertheless, they do present us with a very real question: what is Paul talking about? Is he still talking about dandruff? The answer is all too chilling: he is.

    Study

    A BOLD NEW THEORY

    There is new theory about dandruff which is gaining wide acceptance in the medical community. To understand it, we will have to turn to humanity's favorite animal adversary: the snake.

    SkinSnakes continue to grow all of their lives, but their skin doesn't grow with them. Instead, as a snake grows larger and its skin gets tighter, the outer layer of skin is shed to accommodate its growing body. Snakes have three layers of skin. Only the outer layer is peeled off. A new one grows from the middle layer.

    Sound familiar? It should. It was taken directly from your 5th grade report on snakes. The premise of your report holds true today: snakes shed their skin, and it's gross. In other words, they have a massive dandruff problem. Therefore, if you have a problem with dandruff and you just can't lick it with Head and Shoulders, you are probably a snake.

    Other warning signs of being a snake include:

    • Snakiness
    • You tend to slither
    • You are a snake
    • You are snaky
    • When people say, "Hey, you snake!" you turn around.

    DOCTORS WEIGH IN

    Dandruff is a problem that besets about 30,000,000 Americans, according to one recent study. Of that number, as many as 60% are snakes. Do these numbers prove a connection between dandruff and being a snake? no. Are they made up? yes. Does that invalidate them as scientific evidence? Most doctors say yes. However, doctors are not to be trusted. There are two main reasons why not. One, they all have to swear something called the Hippocratic Oath. I think we've all thought this at one point: Hippocratic sounds a lot like Hypocrite. A lot.

    There's another and even more compelling reason to disbelieve the docs on this point. Take a look at their symbol thingy, the cadeuceus or whatever you call it.

    What's that wrapping around that pole? Fun party streamers?

    Nope. A coupla snakes.

    Caduseus

    "The speculation that all doctors are snakes is an unfounded one," said one doctor, Dr. Jose Gomez, M.D. He then forced a weak laugh. "Ha! Ha!" He then ate a mammal.

    Dr. Gomez
    Dr. Gomez

    *

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