The Return of Sauron
by Bugs Jedith and J. M. Hoffman
Did you ever wonder what might occur if the dark lord of Mordor returned today to continue his service of Morgoth? To oppose the realm of Gondor and the power of the Valar? What would happen now that the Eldar have passed into the undying lands if the fortress of Barad Dur were rebuilt and Orodruin spewed fire anew? What about the flame of Arnor and the men of Numenor? Would the Dwarves be able to send aid from their stronghold in Eredor? Would the star of Erendiel bear the light of the Silmarillion rested from the crown of Morgoth ever to the earth? Would anyone know what any of this stuff is other than me and J. R. R. Tolkien? Probably not! But if you're a D and D geek like us than you certainly did. The following is likely horribly offensive and untrue and void where prohibited by law. More importantly hopefully it'll one day be a hillarious flash movie. Enjoy!
Sauron: Gather the troops, it is time for my return!
Goblin Secretary: Mlord... the troops are all dead, remember the fall of the tower and the smashy and the stabby and the ring throwy?
Sauron: Ah yes, I knew I should have turned Mount Doom into a strip mall
when I had the chance. Well go summon the orcs.
Goblin Secretary: Mlord the orcs have unionized, they won't work for cheep any longer.
Sauron: Unionized? Very well what do they want?
Goblin Secretary: They want a dental plan Mlord, and from now on they want to be called "Fallen elves" they say orc is politically incorrect.
Sauron: Oh... they'll have a dental plan... the one dental plan... TO RULE THEM ALL!
Goblin Secretary: I'm afraid we can't afford such a dental plan Mlord, they also demand that they be given at least minimum wage with paid vacation for their captains. And don't even ask about the trolls, they're so endangered now the paper work would take months.
Sauron: Damn them! Get me Saruman!
Goblin Secretary: Mlord... Sarumon retired. He used the Palentier to see into the bedroom of Rebecca Romaine Stamos and published the pictures online. He made a fortune.
Sauron: BLAST! How will I ever get my ring back now! Go annonymous goblin, and build me an army worthy of Mordor... on a budget!
Goblin Secretary: Yes mlord
Sauron: Hyahahahaha soon I will rule this middle earth and show those hobbits how to really wear a ring... on your finger.
Goblin Secretary: Mlord I've returned, I've brought a horde of Mexican migrant workers. But please mlord just call it Earth from now on, those Tolkien people will sue you.
Sauron: But... they don't even have pointy weapons! How am I supposed to rule all of middle earth even unto the ending of time like this! Blargh!
Goblin Secretary: I'm sure they'll find something along the way.
Sauron: Oh very well. GO MY UNHOLY ARMY OF... Mexican migrant workers... GOOO! Find the halflings, they carry something of great value. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled. kill the others! -Isengard unleashed plays as they march off-
Narrator: Sauron's armies pillaged and burned and finally they captured two suspected halflings and took the one ring.
Gary Coleman: Oh my Mr. Frodo, this dosn't look good at all.
Mickey Rooney: We're doomed Sam, doomed!
Comic Relief Dwarf: Ooooh Laddy I had to much ale -Falls over-
Audience: -Hysterical Laughter-
Narrator: Where was the horse and the rider? Where was the horn that was blowing? Where was the crownless who would be made king?
Bill Clinton: So ya say all I gotta do is stick this one cigar in your mountain of fire and Saurons evil will fall and I can be king again? Well that's just peachy but first let me play the sax!
Narrator: And so it was that in the hour when all hope had failed the ring fell from Sauron's grasp.
Goblin Secretary: Mlord, it seems that they've pawned the ring in exchange for some burritos.
Goblin Secretary: Mlord, Gandalf the Grey is here. He's not welcome.
Sauron: Ah may as well let him in, open the black gate!
Goblin Secretary: Mlord...
Sauron: What is it now!?
Goblin Secretary: You know that whole system with the cave trolls and the whips and the chains and the gears?
Sauron: Yeah that was coool!
Goblin Secretary: Well it wasn't cost effective and the PETA people bothered us for using the trolls as forced labor so we had to set them free. Now we just have a door.
Sauron: Damn it! Well is it at least a black door?
Goblin Secretary: No actually it's a red door but I'm sure we could paint it black.
Sauron: Very well, let Gandalf in and scrounge in the couch cushions of darkness for money to buy some paint for the black door. And get rid of that welcome mat!
Gandalf: Sauron the deceiver, servant of Morgoth and enemy of all Middle Earth, I have come to serve you with a subpoena for infringing on the copyrights of Tolkien enterprises. However since you don't have any real assets we're just going to take your tower. Now go throw yourself in a hole and rid us of your stupidity!
Sauron: Things were so much easier back in the day... At least I'm still the evilest being around.
Goblin Secretary: Actually Mlord, Marilyn Manson owns the copyright on that. I'm afraid we're in for another legal battle. And forget about the black door, we'll need all the money in the couch of darkness for attorney fees.
Sauron: Well fawk.
By the way, everything in here is copyrighted by somebody but I'm not claiming it for my own or profiting from it so leave me alone.