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  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    Finding a web name is difficult. That is, finding an address on the Internet for your website is a veritable difficulty when considering how many of them have already been taken by porn sites. It took us forever to compose and find a viable name for a humor site until stumbling upon this one.

    Most of the topics we initially threw around for our web name unsurprisingly had to deal with:

    -peanut butter
    -mud wrestling
    -women with women
    -naked pictures of Pat Morita (actor from The Karate Kid I, II, and IV)
    -surfing goats
    -f*cking
    and
    -Britney Spears
    -and shocking real pictures of Britney Spears playing poker and backgammon in a variety of poses

    Let’s face it, porn has nearly conquered the Internet, leaving a bloody swath of wholesome family entertainment gored in its path.

    But one day, I fear, we too will fall sway to this inevitable necessity. There’s only so much that can be considered funny. And clearly, we’ve been running on empty for quite a while now. It’s only a matter of time until we make the necessary switchover from “humor site” to “naked humor site” to “girl on girl humor site” to “porn”.

    A gentle, quiet switchover at first, until all humor on the Internet, all information sources on the Internet, all personal web pages and public domain resources and venue listings and online retailers.... Until all Internet possibilities have finally been dried up, leaving a singular path open to us all.

    Until the first porn supercomputer is designed along with an erotic operating system. Unlike previous operating systems (such as UNIX), the new PORN operating software might even be equipped with fiber-optic genitalia.

    Imagine a sexual operating system doing your taxes, running a word program, working late into the night, delivering a pizza... Absolutely nothing would ever get done.


    Help Menu
    How do I start up my Internet connection?
    Maybe you could start by taking off that blouse of yours.

    What do I do if I get a message that says “There’s nothing in the E: drive”?
    Maybe you could put something in the E: drive... sexually I mean.

    But a porn supercomputer capable of excruciatingly in-depth pornographic calculations unlike anything humans have ever seen before would be a ground breaking advancement. So advanced, in fact, that I have absolutely no idea what the theory behind a government porn supercomputer would be. But something tells me it would be a massive undertaking.

    What exactly would a porn supercomputer be calculating? How would it be programmed? Would it’s role be to govern sexual behavior throughout the continental United States? What if its programming becomes twisted over the years until its control over society becomes dangerously authoritarian and strangling; until it gains a consciousness of its own, destroying all non-porn science, history, literature... until we become an erotic society, pornography infiltrating every crevice of our being and community. Everything from science to literature to music to adult movies... OH MY GOD!!! IT HAS ALREADY BEGUN!!!

    Have you read a book lately! All modern literature is simply disguised porn, with verbs and nouns just “doing” it! All adult movies have naked people in them! Science is examining micro-genitalia and adapting mouse semen to run car batteries! And history is nothing but porn: from the Apology of Socrates straight down to the First Continental Porn Congress and even the presidency of the United States!

    We’ve run out of interesting topics to invest our time and energies in and have simply reached the next step in our evolutionary progress. Nothing is left to us but porn. Perhaps we should fight it. Perhaps we should embrace it.

    Perhaps you should stop reading my articles.

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

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