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    Waiting in a Parking Lot: A Screenplay

    by J.M. Hoffman

    Iím sure weíve all experienced it. "Wait here, Iíll be back in a moment I just need to get a few things" "Iím back and its half an hour later. Hey... donít look at me like that... NOOOO!" Iíve just endured such a situation and met some interesting characters along the way. Well I dare not say met that would imply I spoke to people in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I donít go for that. Rather I stared at some interesting people from the safety of a car window. The only interesting person involved in this story I didnít actually meet is Thomas Harrisí timeless character Hannibal Lecter from the "Silence of the Lambs" series which I love almost as much as "Interview with the Vampire" Just so Mr. Harris knows if heís reading this I donít profit at all from using your character. Those bags with dollar signs on them are full of sausage and broken glass.

    Setting: My townís Wal-Mart and the parking lot outside at night.

    Personae Cinematique

    Me
    A tall nineteen year old who weighs approximately 130 pounds, has very light facial hair and is pale as fawk. I wore a green Hawaiian shirt and black jeans. I wore my long brown hair in a pony tail.

    Hannibal Lecter
    Ever the gentleman doctor Lecter is played by Anthony Hopkins and garbed in the finest Armani suit and an Italian style hat as in "Hannibal"

    Guy who buys ice
    A man with very well tanned skin looking to be about thirty. He wore a green shirt and khaki pants and had dark facial hair cut fairly short , somewhere between stubble and a full beard. He looked to be perhaps of Indian descent and had short curly hair.

    Woman who rode cart
    A young woman in a blue shirt and capris with long flowing blonde hair who rode a cart

    Woman who rode a cart the wrong way
    A dumbass.

    Man and woman in the other car next to me
    Shadowy figures sitting in an equally shadowy car. I can imagine they were husband and wife and I think the man may have worn glasses

    Rachael
    My best friendís sister who likes to dress liberally and pierce herself and shop. A lot. No really a whole lot.

    And now on to the script!

    Me: ( looking at non-existent watch ) My it certainly has been a long time.

    Man and woman in the other car next to me: It sure has.

    Me: Hey why are you talking to me I donít even know you.

    Man and woman in the other car next to me: True enough but you must feel our pain.

    Me: Indeed I do for it is mine as well.

    Man and woman in the other car next to me: We had figured as much, whom do you wait for kind sir?

    Me, aside to audience: In jest I wait for my bait but of a truth I do wait for my line to be tugged by a mad man who kills and eats those who terry too long within stores, the fiendish Hannibal Lecter!

    Woman who rode cart: Weee! (She stops and hops off beginning to unload her groceries after her moment of levity)

    Me: My, how happy she looks. It is those like her I must protect, though I doubt she would be the type to stay in a store too long.

    Woman who rode cart wrong: ( She bends over the cart at a perfect ninety degree angle, clearly a suggestive position, as her boyfriend pushes it straight through a well lit public place, his crotch just about touching her buttocks )

    Man who bought ice: ( Unloading myriad bags of ice from his cart to the back of a green SUV, a clear sign of evil ) My I sure have a lot of ice.

    Me: ( approaching ) And what would you plan upon doing with such a quantity of solidified water hm?

    Man who bought ice: Why what one would normally do with ice sir. I will but to keep my beverages cold and perhaps make mixed drinks.

    Me: Are you having a party?

    Man who bought ice: Um Yes, yes I am.

    Me: For what reason? Who has been invited? Why was I not invited? Will there be punch and pie? Is it BYOB?

    Man who bought ice: Please no more questions I know not!

    Me: Thou wretched cur! The only party you are having is a party of falsity! Now, the truth if you please, what fell purpose does this ice have?

    Man who bought ice: A man paid me to go pick it up for him please donít arrest me!

    Me, aside to audience: Such a quantity of ice could only be used to chill a body while butchering it and cooking!

    Me: Where is this man?

    Man who bought ice: Why, over there sir.

    Hannibal Lecter: (Runs into the Wal-Mart, dropping a package with the Man and woman in the other car next to me )

    Me: I shall give chase! ( Looking to the Man and woman in the other car next to me ) Hold, what is this!?

    Man and woman in the other car next to me: It appears to be a doggy bag. ( They open it ) My what a jolly fellow it is a meat platter!

    Me: Sir, Madam, I believe those are the remains of your vehicleís third occupant who has kept you waiting too long and thus drawn Hannibalís wrath. Iím so very sorry.

    Man and woman in the other car next to me: No worries, they were in the store too long anyways, bye. (they drive off happily snacking on the platter )

    Me, aside to audience: Now there is but one course, Lecter will surely go after Rachael for she has been in Wal-Mart for quite some time whilst I feigned waiting for her. Now is the time for justice! (Charges into the store, the stupid fans tussling my hair )

    Hannibal Lecter: (Drawing scalpel ) I must admit Rachael, Iím giving very serious thought... to eating your liver.

    Rachael: (Oblivious) Ok. Hey look new clothes!

    Me: Noooo !

    ( I tackle Lecter to the ground just as he goes to strike and we roll about in actioniferous style for approximately five and a half minutes. Finally I rise wiping some blood from a busted lip )

    Me: I see your skills have not been detracted from by a poor diet.

    Hannibal Lecter: Good food is hard to find, I only enjoy the meat of the rude.

    Me: No wonder you were after her.

    Hannibal Lecter: Well are you going to arrest me now?

    Me: Iím not even a cop I just happen to have taken on that role for theatrical purposes. Come to think of it I despise police and all other authority figures so how about I just let you eat Rachael then call the cops so you can eat their faces?

    Hannibal Lecter: Sounds fine to me.

    Me: Thereís only one thing I donít understandÖ

    Hannibal Lecter: What might that be?

    Me: Why have you taken to killing those who stay in the store too long?

    Hannibal Lecter: Because itís damned well annoying.

    THE END

    *

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