The Day I Watched Game Show Network
This afternoon, as I was just waking up, (yes, I slept until noon, so shoot me.) the first thought that came to my mind was, I sure would like to watch some TV. Well actually it wasn't. Food was the first thing I thought about. But I didn't want to eat my chicken noodle soup and sip my diet vanilla coke in silence. So I turned on the TV. The first thing that met my eyes was Jenny Jones, asking a young gothic man, who apparently was a stripper, if he was gay or not. I did not wait to hear his answer. I flipped to the next channel, only to be met with Days of Our Lives. I sighed in exasperation. Why does daytime television have to suck so much?
I began flipping through channels idly, when I suddenly came upon a show entitled "Russian Roulette" on the Game Show Network. Hmmm, I thought. This sounds better than Jenny Jones or Texas Justice. The setting of the show puzzled me at first. There was a giant round floor and 6 people, presumably the contestants, were standing on round indentations that were spread evenly apart in a circle around the perimeter of the floor. The host stood in the middle of them. "Welcome to Russian Roulette!" exclaimed the smiling host. Then he followed with some small talk, asking each of the guests where they were from, what their occupations were, and all of the other unimportant details of their lives that nobody cares about.
Finally, the game began. The host randomly selected one of the contestants to have the first turn. He gave her the question, and then asked whom she would like to challenge. She decided to challenge the creepy looking guy with glasses standing across from her. He got the question right so the next question went to him. This went on for about 5 minutes. Each time a contestant answered the question correctly, all of the money from their challenger went into their money pool. "Well this is rather boring." I thought.
But suddenly, could it be? A woman answered a question incorrectly. The host turned to her, with a maniacal grin upon his face and exclaimed, "Sorry Lori! But it looks like you get to play Russian Roulette. Lock all the drop zones except for Lori's!" Drop zones? I didn't like the sound of that. A sense of foreboding swept over the now hushed crowd. Suddenly I noticed something that escaped my sights before. A large lever was sitting sinisterly in front of each contestant. "Go on Lori. Pull the handle." She cautiously pulled down the lever. An eerie red glow suddenly lit up one of the indentations that a contestant was standing in. Then it flashed and appeared in the next indentation, rotating around the indentations as if it were a roulette ball. It stopped on Lori. A look of shock appeared on her frightened face, and the host let out a gleeful laugh. Suddenly the floor opened out from under Lori. She let out a terrified scream as she plunged into the darkness below. Well, I guess that's why they call it Russian Roulette, I thought to myself.
Horrified, I switched the channel. For a while I just sat there, in shocked silence. Lori. Where could she be? What became of that lovable little game show contestant that so easily stole my heart? That hole. That horrible, pitch black hole. What horrors awaited poor Lori at the bottom of that hole? Perhaps a tank of angry sharks? Is THAT why her scream lasted for an alarming 20 seconds Game Show Network? When will this madness end?
The scream of the panicked Lori still ringing in my ears, I decided that I must warn the world of the horrors of Game Show Network. And so here I am. Please, do your part; don't let another young, energetic Lori get dropped down a dark hole of emptiness! Lori was a friend. A wife. A MOTHER! Think of the children. Every night, as their grief-stricken father tucks them into bed, they hear it. I know they do. They hear their mother's screams. And they think, "Curse you Game Show Network. Curse you." Don't let my efforts go to waste. Don't become just another Lori. Fight the evil that is Game Show Network. Do it, for the children.