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    A CHECKLIST: WHAT EVERY FRESHMAN DORM NEEDS!!!!!



    Reservoir Dogs Poster
    We stuck this baby over our fireplace. It is SO COOL. I had personally never seen the movie, because I didn't think I could handle the ear part, but my roommates assured me that the movie was really cool. I mean, REALLY cool. Not so cool that they had seen it more than once or anything, but still. It was still really cool. And the coolest part was that we were girls, and it was totally this masculine movie, but we were still putting up a giant poster from it over the fireplace, because we were so badass and we were going to hook up with all these guys and wear tube tops and stuff. And also it was really big, so it fit really well over the fireplace, and also it was black and glossy and it was really classy-looking, because even though those guys cut off someone's ear, they looked classy. It also reflected the glow of the Christmas lights really well.











    Women on the Rise
    Okay, so this picture is really cool, because it counteracts the violent, aggressive masculinity of the Reservoir Dogs poster with some old-school, 1930s, Rosie-the-Riveter-era girl power. These ladies are tough. They are eating lunch on some building or crane or something and they are NOT going away. In fact, they are ON THE RISE. They're gonna go right through that glass ceiling, and they're gonna do it putting on lipstick and eating lunch, but not in a sissy way. People who think that women can't do anything are stupid. Women who think they are limited by stuff are stupid too, because a strong woman won't let stuff like economic oppression or domestic violence or sexist legislation get in her way. Just look at these ladies! They're on the rise! Also, this is not just a lame ripoff of that famous photograph of the guys building the skyscraper. This is an amazing metaphor for our meteoric rise into being really rich and getting tons of A's in all our classes and also wearing tube tops and making out with a lot of guys.














    Some Kissing Kids
    Just as the Women on the Rise acted as a kind of foil to the Reservoir Dogs poster, this little charmer softened and feminized the harshness of the Rising Women. This poster and Women on the Rise were hung over the couch, juxtaposed as if they were part of a diptych -- a Diptych of the Female Experience. "Yes," the posters said to the potential make-out partners we managed to lure to the uncomfortable shallows of our beige futon, "yes, we are indeed powerful, ambitious women, we are Women On The Rise, and our nipples are aggressive beneath the stretchy aqua nylon of our tube tops, and we would just as soon crush you beneath our jackboot as look at you, but look, look, we know also tenderness, and love, and cuteness! Look, look, at the charming vintage quality of this sepia-toned poster! The children's cheeks have been hand-colored with love and tenderness! Like the little child to the left, we too, have known the joy of kissing a boy; but yet, like the little towheaded kid to the right, we, too, have known the pain and frustration of seeing some other girl get to kiss a boy. So from this diptych, know this: we are powerful, and will crush you under our jackboot, but we also like to kiss boys, and we are sad when boys kiss other girls, so know that we are delicate and that you can cause us pain, even though we will still crush you under our jackboot. Also, does not this vision of kissing children fill your loins with unbearable erotic desires? Come, let us unfold the futon so we can make out more comfortably under the benevolent gaze of the kissing kids."

    (Interestingly enough, this picture did weirdly reflect our lives, because one roommate was always kissing some guy that the other one wanted to kiss, which resulted in much sepia-toned scowling.)









    A Hot Poster of Brad Pitt
    I know what you're thinking now. "Sure, all that girl stuff is great for getting boys to make out with you, but what do you do when it's Tuesday night and you have no one to kiss? What good is yucky-looking Steve Buscemi gonna do then? What are you gonna do, make out in some gross lesbian way with the Women On the Rise?" But, naysayers, you have yet to lay your eyes on our super-hot secret weapon: this smoldering poster of Brad Pitt, the Hottest Guy Ever. He is so hot! Look at his smoldering eyes and his moist, tender, voluptuously parted lips! Yikes! A picture of Brad is enough to counteract any Sapphic tendencies amongst any of the other posters. (Brad would totally counteract Marilyn or Audrey.)

    We put Brad over the mini refrigerator. When we got drunk, we liked to kiss him in the dark. He was so hot. Sometimes we would all sit on the futon, having just retrieved some energy drink from the mini refrigerator, and just all look at Brad. Then we would all watch Felicity together, but even Ben was not as hot as Brad, and Noel was not as sensitive.









    Another Hot Poster of Brad Pitt
    Obviously, one hot poster of Brad Pitt is not going to be enough. Duh! There were four of us. Also, since one Brad is clearly for kissing, where were we supposed to put the homemade dental dam that we constructed using one of the condoms that were regularly placed in a discreet paper cup stuck to a door in the hall? We couldn't put it over the mouth we were going to kiss, could we? Obviously we had to have another Brad upon whom we could tape the dental dam. (By the way, the dental dam was gross. But it was easy to make. I had never even HEARD of a dental dam before I went to college.)

    Actually, the second Brad was accidentally stuck to the first Brad, so we got him for free. We taped him above the first Brad, over the mini refrigerator. But let me tell you, that room was HOTT.









    Klimt's The Kiss
    Okay, the jig is up. This whole time I've been secretly making fun of my roommates' poster choices by pretending that I thought they were cool, all the while smugly acting like I would never purchase a GCLBAWP myself. But I'll admit it: I bought some. One of them was this one -- Gustav Klimt's masterpiece of decorative/Austrian Expressionist art, The Kiss. I thought it was pretty. I still think it's pretty. But now I'm a snob and I think it's lame to go buy a poster of some Fine Art that was next to some composite portraits of Yoda created by tiny tiny frames from Star Wars. Perhaps my condescending attitude towards my own poster choice comes from the fact that I suspect that The Kiss, too, was secretly a make-out poster, just like the little kiddies. Perhaps it comes from the fact that I am a big, snobby, jerk, and was much better when I was innocent and eighteen and kissing posters of Brad Pitt.









    Ophelia
    I think I bought this one, and tried to stick it up over my bed with that poster rubber they sell you, but the rubber just got dry and hard and the poster fell behind the bed and got all crushed. Good riddance. I still also like this picture, but clearly I was lame for buying it. "Oh, look at me, I'm so romantical, I discovered the Pre-Raphaelites when I was thirteen & I love floating hair and The Mists of Avalon and vegetation that looks like pubic hair and I identify with Ophelia and drowning and what can be done to save our teenage girls and virgin suicides of all kinds and I dressed up like Ophelia for Halloween, I am sooo profound and cute." Put a sock in it.






    So, uh, don't buy any of those posters, because I was kind of lame when I was in college.

    E-mail Caolan

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