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    Things Paul Ate As a Kid

    STALE BREAD AND VITAMINS
    I don't think I'm the only kid who abused Flintstones vitamins. But am I the only one thought that stale bread and vitamins was a great lunch, to the extent that I used to jump up and down and shout, "Stale bread and vitamins! Stale bread and vitamins!" so much that the DCYF visited my house three times before I was 6.

    MINT SANDWICHES
    Once at some church buffet I hollowed out a dinner roll and put after-dinner mints in it. For some reason, this earned me the black hatred of everyone at the event. To this day, people still stop me on the street and say, "Paul! Still combining mints and rolls in an unholy wedlock?" Why must they revivify the past? That age is dead!

    PLAIN PANCAKES WITH SALT
    I got a lot of flak for this, so I have to stand up for past me on this one. Everyone seems to think that this is really gross, a belief I attribute to a false association of flavors. It would be gross to put salt on the traditional syrupy stack of flapjacks topped with a pat of butter. But the fact is, plain pancakes don't taste like maple syrup. It's the maple syrup that tastes like maple syrup. Pancakes with salt are basically like pretzels. Is my rationalizing convincing you? Am I normal?

    BREAD DIPPED IN COKE
    OK, I don't know what I was thinking here. Where did I get this idea? A process of experimentation is implied, but who dips foods in Coke to see how they'll taste? Only a psychopath, that's who. And I'm here to tell you that bread in Coke is not a delightful taste sensation but a soggy, crumbly mass that leaves semiliquid starch globules in the bottom of the glass. I ate it every day.

    CHILDREN'S ASPIRIN
    Do you think it was a mistake to make children's aspirin more delicious than the most delicious candy? I don't, and neither does Bayer, which also, perhaps not coincidentally, makes and markets "My First Tummy Pump".

    *

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