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Deathstalker III

Deathstalker begins with our hero, Deathstalker, enjoying a simple town fair. Deathstalker, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Martin Short (although not as muscular), is played by fresh-faced nancy-boy John Allen Nelson. Deathstalker is written as a Han Solo type rogue. Imagine Martin Short as Han Solo. Not pretty, is it?

I'm BatmanIt's not long before the town is attacked by grunty guys led by a man who looks like he sired Batman. He has the snazziest helmet we have yet to feast our eyes upon.

Some Ice?It becomes evident that the men are after a pretty princess. The princess, after being saved by Deathstalker, reveals that she is the proud owner of one half of this really crappy diamond. When the two halves are joined, the diamond will unlock a magical city made of treasure! Golly.

The princess is quickly killed and replaced by her sister who is played by the same actress. She's not as "down-to-earth" as the dead sister and she and Deathstalker DO NOT get along. He finds her inexplicably lying outside a tent in the forest being fanned by a midget and he almost immediately finds an excuse to grope her. That's where their rocky relationship begins. She is on her way to meet her betrothed, a prince who she has never met. A prince named Troxartas.

Troxartas in bedTroxartas is balding middle-aged man who looks slightly like New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani. He shares a castle with his girlfriend (or POSSLQ) Marinda. It's great because along with his plans of world domination, he has to juggle all the demands of your average high-maintenance relationship.

We also get the feeling that Troxartas is trying to convince Marinda, and himself, that he is not gay. This doesn't work.

Speaking of people trying to prove they're not gay, this is approximately when Deathstalker's big love scene comes up. Deathstalker is wandering through the coutryside looking for someone's horse to steal (what any normal hero would spend his free time doing) when he stumbles upon a medieval dude ranch. He is caught in the act by the owners of the ranch, a potato-eating old woman and her potato-eating young daughter. The daughter is ordered to search Deathstalker. Her search consists of staring meditatively at his penis for about twenty seconds as he mugs.

Later on that evening the daughter and Deathstalker make love to the sultry sounds of a freeware harp patch.

The next morning the barn is attacked by Troxartas' men. This is where Deathstalker's disturbing propensity to prefix every statement with the exclamation "Ha! Ha!" becomes increasingly evident. Every battle is filled with lines like: "Ha! Ha! Missed me!" "Ha! Ha! Surprise!" and "Ha! Ha! I got you!"

Troxartas with girlfriendMeanwhile, Troxartas has retired to the basement of his castle to mock the corpses of all those that he has defeated in battle. The taunts include the classic: "And you, who used to hurl boulders from the mountain tops, were no match for me," delivered with his William Shatneresque start-and-stop acting style. Inexplicably these defeated foes begin to rise from the grave (apparently to aid the man that killed them). He has now done it, raised an army of undead warriors to help him defeat Deathstalker. Well, an army of six guys.

Troxartas must now journey though the dry-ice-filled corridors of his castle to talk with his girlfriend. The great thing about the relationship is the fact that his girlfriend seems to be a normal, non-evil girl. He has to deal with the jealousy issues brought about by his engagement to the princess. He assures her that he will kill the princess right after their marriage and that nothing will come between them. She has some troubles believing him, what with him being a villain and all.

Hellooooo!The princess is encountered by some guys that want to ravish her. Troxartas shows up looking extremely effeminate wearing an ascot and furs. He has the bullies killed and escorts the young lady back to the castle. It is at this point in the movie that it is realised that Troxartas is wearing a new outfit in EVERY scene. Not only that but he's wearing a more effeminate outfit in every scene. This is when the movie jumps from being just enjoyable to downright delightful.

In the next scene Deathstalker and Troxartas exchange banter as Troxartas discovers our hero roaming around the halls of his castle. It looks like Troxartas has put on some regular clothes but we only see him shot from the waist up. When he walks fully onto screen our suspicions are dashed as we realise that--HE ISN'T WEARING ANY PANTS!

Troxartas is able to get the second half of the diamond from Deathstalker and join it with his half, but then after nothing happens assumes that there must be a "third half." It doesn't occur to anyone that these giant cubic zirconium rocks may not actually have any magic powers.

As Deathstalker runs through the forest, he encounters Troxartas' undead army of six having a midnight cookout. They seem to be very down-to-earth zombies and have a really good conversation with Deathstalker. The bulk of the conversation is carried out by a reanimated Cheech Marin. He informs Deathstalker that Troxartas controls them because he has all of their souls "locked up in a jar back at the castle." Deathstalker strikes a deal with them and an alliance is made.

Deathstalker recruits a bunch of random villagers (who apprently are sick of Troxartas although it's never mentioned earlier) to help him invade the castle. A huge fight takes place including a super-dramatic and rather amateurish fifteen minute swordfight between Troxartas and Deathstalker. Deathstalker gets the jar and frees the souls of the zombie guys, thus reducing Troxartas' army from about 100 to about 94.

SunsetThe battle between good and evil continues in a "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style martial arts extravaganza which includes Troxartas grabbing a candle in his free hand so that he'll have two "weapons." At one point Troxartas is pushed against the battlements, which visibly move when introduced to his extra weight.

Finally, Troxartas comes to a fitting end-- he is stabbed, and then he explodes, and then his remains disappear in a Tron-like green wireframe display.

Sensing that his work is done, Deathstalker rides away into the sunset.



When one looks at a movie poster, one expects a slight exaggeration. No one expected Mark Hamill's chest to ripple quite as it did on the original Star Wars poster. If Luke were really that built, he probably would have spent less time whining and more time pulling the ears of gundarks. Even Pretty Woman shows Julia Roberts' head expertly cropped onto a hotter woman's body. The cover of Deathstalker III pushes the envelope with its interpretation of the movie.

Firstly, it displays a super-muscular warrior, wearing S&M gear, with his long hair flowing in the breeze. He's also wearing some sort of crown-like headband. In actuality John Allen Nelson, the star of Deathstalker, is a scrawny, short-haired punk who's usually wearing jogging pants like everyone else in this movie.

Secondly, the girl crouched beside him is holding a dagger. This girl looks equally like either of the two female lead roles in this movie (i. e. not at all). It is up to the viewer's discretion to decide which. Either way, we have only two females to choose from (presumably): 1.) A princess who spends the entire movie being pampered and never touches a weapon or 2.) the rough-and-tumble farmer's daughter who is handy with a weapon, but it's a bow.

Lastly, the situation on the box never happens. The cover depicts a death-stalking type guy and a girl, who is wearing a Princess Leia gold bikini, watching as a troll-like beast climbs over or out from a stone slab. There is a portcullis visible in the background. Here is a list of things that are not in Deathstalker: 1) Gold bikinis 2) Troll-like beasts 3) Stone slabs 4) A portcullis.

The entire Deathstalker III box gives off the impression that the artist had never seen or had even heard of Deathstalker. Instead it looks suspiciously like the writer and/or director cut it out of a Boris Vallejo calendar because they thought "the chick in the picture was hot."

Putting on a Clinic

By the time he made Deathstalker III, Alfonso Corona was a veteran of the genre. Ol' Deathy hadn't stalked his way though two sword and sorcery epics for nothing. Alfonso knew the routine, he knew the plays. Heck, he wrote the playbook.

Peter the Fire-eater

That's why within the first 30 seconds of Deathstalker III, we see a complete village spectacle complete with a firebreather pausing in front of the camera to spit flame, a pair of fools fighting with giant Q-tips, scruffy village children running around, and a crazy wizard type guy warning people against planting oats in the coming year.

The Potato People

Potato Eaters

A few questions about the daughter: Is she Irish or is she Russian? She has a Russian accent, but she also has red hair. She likes potatoes, but she also likes potatoes. It is unclear to us. It is also strange that she has a strong Russian accent and the mother has no accent to speak of.

Video Clips

The brilliance of Deathstalker III for your viewing pleasure

"...the world is mine!"
In this scene, the villain's true evil (and lack of acting skills) become evident as he reveals his diabolical plan to take over... the world!

Length: 1:12
File Size: 711 KB (0.7 MB)
Format: .rm (real video format)

Raising Undead Army
Watch Troxartas laugh his way through this scene as he raises an army of banditos from the grave.

Length: :20
Format: .rm (real video format)
File Size: 214 KB (0.2 MB)

Los Undead Mexicanos
A tiny group of undead warriors (presumably from hell as the title would suggest) explain their unfortunate situtation to Deathstalker.

Length: :19
Format: .rm (real video format)
File Size: 206 KB (0.2 MB)

Download Real Player

Cleverness of banter in one hundredth of a point= 2.6
As high as 3.9 if repeatedly exclaiming "Ha! Ha!" is considered clever.

Scrawniness of hero vs. muscliness depiction on cover ratio = 8/1

Hero Smugness Factor = 9.5

Percentage chance you will know hero's name at end of movie = 90%

Joie de Vivre of Villain = 10+

Boobs = 20

Non-explosive things that explode = Troxartas (1) Villain

Funniness of Helmets = 6
Helmets with wings always get a good rating.

Soundtrack = 1
"Gee, my casio keyboard has some kickass demos."

"Hoo Hoo!" Factor

Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell
1988, Artisan Home Entertainment
85 Minutes
Rated R

Directed by Alfonso Corona

Written by Howard Cohen

Soundtrack by Israel Torres and Alejandro Rulfo

Deathstalker John Allen Nelson
Clarissa/Elisena Carla Head
Camissarde Terri Treas
Troxartas Throm Christopher
Nicias Aaron Herman
Marinda Claudia Inchaurregus

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