• How I Spent My Summer Vacation
  • Boy Meets World Character Reviews
    more..
  • GOD EXISTS!!!
  • Embassy Blues - Part Two
    more..
  • The Christmas Flowchart
  • Why Cinemas Suck
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • World History Archive
  • The Totally Unauthorized Dune Guy Website!
    more..
  • Flash

  • The Worst Film Ever
  • The Binary L&E Promo
    more..
  • Fun

  • The Anime Title Random Generator
  • Name That Beauty Salon!
    more..
  • Extinct Beverages

  • Extinct Beverage: Hansen's Slimdown
  • Extinct Beverage: Niagara
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    I'm Tito Jackson: The Search for Tito Jackson

    I was recently skimming the Internet looking for people who like me when I came upon something that truly startled me. It appears there's a rumor going around that I don't exist, and it seems to have started somewhere on this very website.

    For the record, I'd like to clear a few things up:

    1) I do in fact exist. I have existed for some time.

    2) For a brief period in the eighties I did not exist, but then I existed again for a reunion tour (1984 I believe? The Victory Tour?).

    3) Also, despite my reclusive nature, I did in fact exist all through the nineties, writing romance novels under the name Cindy McNooga: "The Blossoms of Fire"; "The Fires of Blossom"; and "Touch Me There, William".

    Herein is where I believe the confusion to lie: throughout the 1970s alone, there were in fact over 12 different Titos cycled in a constant rotation. When the need arose, a new Tito was simply thawed and unfrozen while the next was put into stasis. In a very real sense, the Tito unit was not only the guitarist extraordinare, but also the functioning "bullet-taker" for the Jacksons, devised in a brainstorming session at Motown records. In theory, Tito's hair (or "fro") would be able to withstand a severe barrage of small arms fire, over 3 tons of pressure per square inch, and other such detriments including, but not limited to, certain forms of biological warfare.

    I myself was Tito-12B. And, as mentioned, the Tito line was not only built to endure all manner of offensive assault, but play one funky mother-f*ckin' bad guitar. And I mean baaad. Ye-ah.

    To purchase Tito, please contact Motown records care of Universal Music Group. For a low onetime payment of only $3.99 plus $4.99 shipping and handling, Tito Jackson can be yours! Your very own Tito Jackson will arrive in 6-8 weeks. I look forward to funkily protecting you... brother.

    Please come see my reunion concert at Madison Square Garden. It's going to include every Jackson brother but Michael; don't worry, we'll make up for it by tossing in a few Wayans brothers.

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • Company X # 021
  • Company X #011
    more..
  • Guy in the Elevator
  • George Lucas's Neck Size is Inversely Proportional to the Quality of his Movies
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Overrated: Diamonds (Mama Redcloud)
  • Some Questions for Buffy (Papa Redcloud)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • The American Presidents
  • The American Presidents 2
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • Are You Nate's Girlfriend Material?
  • Where Are You Going When You Die?
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Absurd is Right
  • The Erotic Adventures of Scrooge McDuck
    more..
  • L&E Comix

  • Lance and Eskimo Beat Feet
  • Brothers Redcloud Cuteness Vote: Lance