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Indiana Jones. Great character. Dodgy name.

Last Crusade. Great stunts. Dodgy dialogue.

Well, no, for the most part the dialogue in TLC was coherent ... as coherent as it gets for action movies, anyway. The little exchange that I'm having trouble with comes from the bit where Indy and Marcus meet Dr. Schneider for the first time (Y'know, the token chick). Apparently possessed by some satanic deity of conversation, they say:

CHICK: "Dr. Jones?"
INDY: "Yes?"*
CHICK: "I knew it was you. You have your father's eyes."**
INDY: "And my mother's ears, but the rest belongs to you."***
CHICK: "Looks like all the best parts have been spoken for."****

* So far, so good. It all goes downhill from here.

** You know that bit in Hot Shots! where Charlie Sheen reveals that he's been carrying around his father's actual eyes for years, showing them to people and saying "I have his eyes, look"? Well, this is different, but somehow it would've been gratifying if Indy had then produced a small box and said "I know, look!" and then the chick doctor would go 'Urrgh!' and he and Marcus would collapse giggling. That's what I would've done, but hey, Spielberg, he knows his own business best. And we're still sort of making sense for now. This will not last.

*** OK, now we get onto something I really do not get. The first part sort of works. He has his mother's ears. Fair enough. I have my mother's upper lip. But what the hell does he mean by 'the rest belongs to you'? Are you trying to say that, but for your eyes and ears, you resemble this hot German chick in every way? You should've brought your glasses, Indy mate, she's got slightly less stubble.

Or is he perhaps coming on to her? That makes slightly more sense as he bonks her six ways to Sunday later on in the film (as if anyone doubted he would for a second), but a closer examination leaves cause for concern. If he is bending this casual discussion of body parts into a full-on come-on, then he's probably referring obliquely to his little Indiana John Thomas. But he refers to it as 'the rest', so presumably he intends for his elbows, spleen and left kneecap to play active roles in the forthcoming mattress mambo. That's pretty acrobatic by anyone's standards. But why aren't his eyes and ears allowed to join in? Was he brought up in a strictly puritan household and is so ashamed when he gets into bed with someone he has to wear a blindfold and ear plugs? Some action hero!

The other possibility is that he is pledging his body as property to the chick doctor, but his eyes and ears are apparently leased to his parents so she has to leave them. I'll bet there was probably some civilization at some point that blinded and deafened all their slaves, so that sorta makes sense.

Whatever reason Indy had for it, it's still a pretty personal thing to say to someone you've just met.

**** Jesus, Dr. Schneider, I know English isn't your first language and everything, but I really have no idea what the hell you're talking about. All the best parts have been spoken for? Didn't he just say the whole kit and caboodle save some sensory organs were yours for the taking? Do you somehow believe that eyes and ears are the best parts? Granted, probably, from Indy's point of view, but looking after your best interests, you can't bring someone to orgasm by rubbing your eyes and ears over them. At best you'll probably get a funny look, at worst they'll call the police.

The trouble with this sort of flirty-talk is that none of it makes the slightest bit of sense. I say, if you're gonna flirt, do it right. Here's how I would have handled this exchange:

CHICK: "Dr. Jones?"
INDY: "Yes?"
CHICK: "I knew it was you. You have your father's eyes."
INDY: "I find you very attractive and I hope to have sexual intercourse with you in the near future."
CHICK: "I would welcome that opportunity."
MARCUS: "I hate you guys."

See, Spielberg! It wasn't that difficult! I've actually worked out a reworking of the whole original script I'd like you to look at. Indy's dad dies in the end 'cos the Holy Grail's a load of old mythic rubbish and the Nazis are replaced with disgruntled Burger King employees. Interested? Mail me!

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