Dear The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,
Iím currently a writer with the website Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. Weíre, without a doubt, the most popular humor/gambling site on the Internet. But now, Iíve realized, itís time to expand myself in other directions as well. Thatís why Iím applying for a position as owner (or host) of, or writer for, The Daily Show with John Stewart.
I myself donít watch your show, but Iím told itís incredibly funny. A friend of mine was telling a joke from your show once, but he couldnít tell it because he started laughing too hard and then I laughed because he was laughing because it was obviously hilarious.
Now, if you select me for the position of host of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the first thing weíd naturally have to do is get rid of Jon Stewart. That shouldnít be a problem though. There are plenty of other comedic television shows out there to just drop him into. Or perhaps heíd prefer to stretch himself into serious drama. In any case, Iím certain Iíd successfully grow into the role of host over time, until the audience will have completely forgotten that any other host had in fact run the show.
Jacques: Hello. Iím your host Jacques, and welcome to another episode of my program The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Tonight, I will lecture on turnips and why people do not lecture on turnips more often. There are numerous reasons why people do not lecture on turnips more often. Firstly...
But I would be just as suited toward owning or writing for the show.
I remember Jon Stewart had a television show on television once, and I tried applying as an intern but I was just rejected and the rejection letter said I was rejected because I was black.
I was baffled and entirely uncertain what to make of that. As such, I was forced to call up the show Jon Stewart had on television and inquire further upon the matter. I had to ask why they didnít accept me as an intern and they said it was because I was black.
me: Youíre not hiring me as an intern because Iím black?
The Jon Stewart Show: Yes. We have enough blacks here.
me: Thatís horribly racist. And also, why do you say Iím black? I never mentioned anything about being black or not.
The Jon Stewart Show: We know these things. Only a black person would have used the word "acquiesce" as you did in your cover letter.
me: Would you reject me if I was Jewish too?
The Jon Stewart Show: We donít want Jews here.
me: But how would you know whether Iím Jewish or not, and what would it matter, and isnít your host Jewish?
The Jon Stewart Show: Shut up Jew.
Suffice it to say that that conversation solved nothing of any consequence.
I applied for a position with the "humor" site The Onion a while back, but their only response was silence until I called up a few days ago.
The Onion: We donít want gays here.
me: Who said I was gay!?"
The Onion: Shut up gay person.
I donít know what it is with the comedy scene, but you guys can be real assholes.
Nevertheless, I am offering you my services in exchange for nothing more in return than a warm handshake, a 19th century whore (to declare for tax purposes), and an assload of money. By assload I, of course, refer to a mutually agreed upon ass-sized volume, filled to capacity with bills of a "respectable" denomination. Approximate ass-size, of course, negotiable; provided that the bills are rectally inserted in such a way as to assure me a "fair assload" of income, extended so far as (if not beyond) the colon, the specifics of which are to be stated in contractual terms at a later date.
As far as my credentials go, Iíve applied to such other comedy "areas" as The Onion (assholes), Spy Magazine (pretentious fucks), Mad Magazine (pretentious fucks who couldnít get a job at Spy Magazine), Cracked Magazine (failed the urine test required to work at Mad Magazine) and Late Night with Conan Oí Brien (I interviewed and met with some uninterested guy who was valedictorian at Princeton. Come on. Princeton? Now Yale, or Harvard... but Princeton? I could have been valedictorian of Princeton. Anybody could have be a valedictorian at Princeton. Rhesus monkeys could be valedictorians at Princeton if they put their minds to it and really hit the books).
In any case, Iíve applied to such other comic establishments as these, affording me much experience in the field of applying to and being rejected by humorous venues. Ultimately, my goals for the future are to apply for a position at and be rejected by Saturday Night Live with Tina Fey (sigh). Nevertheless, I am realistic and have currently set my present sights on applying to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and being rejected.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to being rejected by you drunks who couldnít hold a job at Late Night with Conan Oí Brien.
Lance and Eskimo Dot Com - Where Humor Comes to Die and Become Recycled into Fertilizer
For anyone whoís interested in forwarding letters of recommendation or degradation on my behalf, please address them to:
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
New York, NY 10019
Or e-mail them to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Hire Jacques from Lance and Eskimo Dot Com now!
Subject: Do not fucking hire Jacques; heís so fucking gay!
Make sure to include "Job Title: Owner/Host/Writer of The Daily Show" and "Job Code: 1733?" I donít know about that though; Iím really guessing here. The job code is pretty irrelevant, but they seem to want one desperately or they threaten to overlook the application entirely. So I suppose you can just make one up. That way, when they donít know what the code refers to, theyíll just feel like idiots and take my application to their superiors for confirmation and further examination.