• A Flattering Proposal
  • Lance and Eskimo Lose the Refrigerator
  • The Apology of Lance and Eskimo Dot Com
  • Origins of the Internet
  • A Cautionary Tale
  • Why it would Kick Arse to be Captain of the Enterprise
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home


  • The Lewgosset Musk World Domination Page
  • World History Archive
  • Flash

  • The Official "The Day Chris Said "Wicked Fine"" Gush Page
  • Dress Up Paul
  • Fun

  • The Expletive Random Generator
  • The L&E Boyfriend Generator
  • Books

  • I Was a Teenage Wizard
  • Ringworld Remembered
  • Contributing Writers

    How To Become a Redcloud Brother

    by J.M. Hoffman

    I have heard much discussion (and by much I mean no) on the internet about how to become a Redcloud brother. So I've provided a guide for the prospective Redcloud brother or rather, the man about to embark on a journey to become a god. I believe it's time for some history and random crap.

    The Redclouds were an ancient order of whore-nuns who lived in New England. When the witch trials occured they were scattered and small groups of red clouds popped up everywhere due to their whoring. Due to the fact that many of them, even the males, became nuns, the majority of Redclouds lived in those places where nuns live. The idea that nuns could be whores was of course not accepted by the catholic church although some christian groups, specifically the televangelists, supported it fully. The idea that whores could be nuns was not well accepted by many burlesque house owners. The idea that males could be whore nuns was not well accepted by other whore nuns. The persecution finally reached a fever pitch when Theodocius Redcloud, the matriarch of the Redcloud family of St. Mary's convent, was hit with a hotdog. Something had to be done and so a council was called. The leaders of each Redcloud sect decided that five must be chosen to protect them all. This was called the Council of Elrond, as they had recently read the Lord of the Rings and had no shame. The Redcloud Brotherhood as it came to be known came into being because the men were tired of having to wear dresses and those pointy hats that aren't pope hats but look just as catholic and silly.

    So for the next century the redcloud women dwindled and thus so did the family but the brotherhood of the five perservered. At first they fought as valiant paladins to protect their family name and the art of whorenunnery. Then they kind of just talked bad about any who put down their family. Then they just kind of sneared at people who didn't seem to like them. Then they started writing humorous articles about people who insulted their family honor , or about drinks that taste bad or about the porn advertisements they receive in their email accounts. Fine maybe they're slightly less noble now but they are still an ancient order and they sure are mysterious. Anyhow as a Redcloud scholar I'll answer a few of the most frequently asked questions I've received on this subject from other intellectuals and the media.

    Q: Do you have to be born a redcloud to be a brother?
    A: No actually you just need to complete the initiation ritual I'll describe later. Infact you don't even have to be a human being. Androids and Elves can become Redcloud brothers as well. It is a prohibited class for dwarves and gnomes and half orcs but a halfling may multiclass as a fighter/redcloud brother. In fact if you take a few armor proficiencies and get a vorpal weapon you can use the metamagic feats gotten from taking a point in "Knowledge: Redcloud" to become a really uber character!

    Q: Do you have to be male to be a brother?
    A: I have a great deal to say on this issue. While masculinity is not a requirement for becoming a brother I think it should be more of an issue in the core rules of our system. Women have the same abilities of men? These cowards just don't want to sound sexist. Anyone who knows how it really works will tell you that women subtract points from STR and CON and put them into CHA and WIS. That's just the way things are. While STR and CON aren't requirements of a Redcloud brother the system still needs to be looked at.

    Q: How can you account for LNE.com being such a hotbed of controversy?
    A: Because I just wanted to say hotbed.

    Q: What about the mystic status of Papa and Mama Redcloud?
    A: Every generation of the Redcloud Brotherhood involves three others. The family's chosen deity, Lance, and two leaders, known in the old days as Patre and Matre. These two are responsible for leading the brotherhood, buying boots and reviewing overrated items and occurences.

    Q: What about this Lance creature?
    A: He's pretty much the embodiment of all that is Redcloud and... wait is this a follow up question?

    Q: Yes it is.
    A: You only get one question, go away.

    Q: What if I don't?
    A: Than we have business.

    Q: Do we then?
    A: Yes we do

    Q: Yes we do indeed.
    A: Keep it in the form of a question, bastard!

    Q: What about the Iraq WMD?
    A: I left them in the trunk, let me go get them from my car. I'll have to take the keys of course. To open the trunk. Not to insert into the ignition and head for the freeway.

    Q: Fine

    Q: -Waiting-

    Q: Aw fawk!

    As for the question of how to become a Redcloud brother that is a complicated issue and the order of the five are very secretive about it but here is what I have learned. The first step is to be a human being, elf or hobbit. Once this is complete you'll need to get on the internet and right humorous articles. Satire, fiction, parody, bad fiction, reviews, or quizzes will do. Then you must go before Papa or Mama redcloud and swear by Lance that you meet the requirements which are as follows:

    1. You must not have ever sued Jackass or a similiar show because you hurt yourself while filming a stupid act you decided to initiate while watching the show. However if you have filmed yourself while doing something you saw on Jackass and didn't hurt yourself or sue you're pretty bad ass. Also if you filmed yourself doing things that weren't influenced by Jackass that's acceptable as well although the films must be turned into MPG format.
    2. You must have a layer of cheeto dust on your fingers. Cheese ball dust is unacceptable.
    3. You must take the vows of the order. I don't know the exact wording but it involves professing that your fool is a crock.
    4. You must purify yourself in a vat of Venom energy drink.
    5. Finally you must kill a Redcloud brother. Or get them to renounce their Redcloudiness. This is the prefered way as they usually do it for a twenty dollar bill and a porno mag. Once this is done just watch some scenes from "Highlander" with Christopher Lambert and you know what happens. "There can be only 1!!!!... plus four."



  • Extinct Beverage: Hansen's Slimdown
  • Extinct Beverage: Coca-Cola Blāk
  • Once Upon a Time in the House of Gerard Depardieu
  • Hawaii Five-Oh-Yeah!
  • Contributing Writers

  • Laura and Nick's Prom Adventure: The Adventure Begins (Nick and Laura)
  • Meet the Staff: J.M. Hoffman (J.M. Hoffman)
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com


  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Company X # 020
  • The American Presidents
  • Quizzes

  • What Do Your Clothes Say About You?
  • Are You a Serial Killer?
  • Fiction

  • Two Hundred Seconds
  • My Fool is a Crock
  • Star Wars

  • 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I (pt.7)
  • George Lucas 1983 - 2005