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    Jake's Future (This Week, part 1)

    by Jake

    There comes a time in every man's life when he begins to examine where he is, where he is going, and where he'd like to go. For me, this happens weekly but as far as I can tell people with normal lives, reasonable ambitions, and motivation this happens far less. Obviously, because while you are out doing, I'm sitting here writing about doing, accomplishing very little to make my future ambitions happen. Weird that I know what the problem is, yet I seem powerless to change it.

    So in order to have a record of where my life is going I have decided to write this down and share it with others. I figure once I get a collection of them I will throw them up in the air Nostradamus style and the first one I pick up must be what I am supposed to do with my life. I wonder if this is what High School guidance counselors do.

    Since, this is my first one I should explain that my future fantasies can run a wide gamut to the reasonable (a political scientist) to the absurd (a soldier during the revolutionary war) to the abnormal (the first human assimilation by the Borg).

    This week what I'd like for my future is a large mansion style house filled with all five or six good friends that I have. I'll have to check this number soon, I think it might be lower than that.

    In this house, I would put a large sound system, always on full blast, to annoy the neighbors. It would have ten full bars. Each bar, as a rule, must be within reach of a computer so I can sit down and continue to write while consuming massive amounts of homemade drinks. The last important feature to this house would be its large locker room style shower.

    Here we reach the thrust of this article: the shower. Why on earth would anyone want such an awful shower in their house? It is now that I reveal the true goal of this future life of Jake: Moral Relativism.

    For a simple explanation of moral relativism one needs to look no farther than "The Plague", the tall and dark antagonist that terrorized everyone's favorite High School Hackers in the movie, Hackers.

    The Plague said, "There is no right or wrong… just fun and boring… a thirty year prison sentence sounds pretty boring to me. Who do you prefer serves it them or us?" (Emphasis added).

    How does moral relativism play a part in Jake's Future, this week? A simple mathematical equation is in order.

    People in house + large shower + moral relativism = Lots of loud and messy orgies.

    I would not personally be partaking in such grievous acts of sin, however, my merely giving others a chance to do so is going to damn my soul to the burning abyss.

    In closing, the house would of course have a lot more room than my six friends and I could use. So feel free to stop on by anytime and don't let the noises from the shower bother you, you'll get used to them.

    There. My first future life is recorded and I exercised some demons in the process. Today is looking like a good day indeed. Maybe I might even leave my room for more than five minutes.

    ~Jake

    *

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