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The Sword and the Sorcerer
The movie begins with the obligatory opening dialogue. You know: "It was a time of legend when the world was young..." etc. A British actor delivers the lines, possibly Hugh Grant in some bizarre self-imposed penance.
Obligatory opening dialogue
In the opening scene, a boat rows across a murky bog. A curly-haired gentleman enters a cave lined with frozen human faces (yawn) to summon Freddy Kreuger from the dead to deal with his enemies. Of course some idiot doubts Freddy's power and is killed. This is in case the viewer has not figured out that the seven-foot tall creature made apparently of blood is an evil man.
Cut to a scene where King Richard (played by Dr. Zaius) frolics among some flowers. Everything sure looks peaceful. Not for long!!!

All of a sudden in the next scene the camera pans across dead soldiers and it looks like an age of darkness has fallen over... the place that they are in.

In the next scene King Richard passes a ridiculous triple bladed sword (we're sure we saw this sword in another movie!) to his younger and uglier son. The sword is capable of shooting two of its blades like a gun. Of course it is. Son loses it almost immediately but escapes.

Fabulous facial hair

The evil king, Cromwell, sneaks up on the undead guy who helped him conquer the kingdom and stabs him in the back. Stabbing is apparently all it takes to get rid of ancient undead evils. If only the Good King's army had known that the demon's Achilles' heel was ANY SORT OF ATTACK AT ALL. Stab him. Push him. Hell, cough on him and give him the flu.

Villain kills own henchman
Time passes. In eight years the ugly 16 year old becomes a very attractive 24 year old. The undead guy is back and muttering something about the "rising of the seventh moon." There is also an ornate stone carving on the wall. A small triangular point of light creeps across its surface. It fails to cause suspense, but it does raise mild interest in the following questions: "What's the deal with this ornate stone carving, and why do they keep cutting to it?" "Is that triangle of light going somewhere?" "Is this like that part in Raiders of the Lost Ark?" "Can we watch Raiders of the Lost Ark instead?"
Cromwell personally shows up the head of a rebellion's house. Yeah, there's a rebellion now. The man's sister runs out of the house and is cornered by some sex-starved guards. One of the more hideous ones tries to rape her. She feigns interest and then knees him in the crotch (1). At this point the guards may call her "feisty." Or did we make that up? We can't remember.
Girls ravished
Our hero Talon arrives, chewing on what appears to be an ostrich drumstick, and quickly dispaches the guards. He then takes the girl to a tavern and listens to her sob story about her brother being captured. He agrees to save her brother in exchange for one night of passion with her. (He's a hero because he's helping her cope with the experience of almost being raped.) They then shoot around a number of subtle sexual innuendos such as "My sword stands poised, Miss." "My sheath is not a place I want you putting your sword in, Sir." "But my sword is very very long... and I want to put it in your sheath for I am worried about it injuring someone if I leave it out." "How long did you say your sword was?"
Hero is loathesome

Clumsy sexual innuendo
Once out of Talon's sight, the girl is promptly captured by some more guards. Meanwhile, Talon wanders over to a nearby battle between the rebellion and Johnny Law. There are a number of rebels hanging out in a cave and a number of guards standing ready to shoot flaming arrows and "burn down" the cave. A dapper Captain shouts at the rebels that this is their "last chance" and our hero, Talon, is seen from behind some rocks visibly rolling his eyes.

He find about a pint of flammable oil, which he pours by one of the archers' feet. The archer is apparently so focused on the task at hand that he is oblivious.

The next thing we know, all the archers explode and are all killed. Our hero is good. Oh, he's good. Not only is he good but now he's the leader of the rebels.

The sister is brought to Cromwell, who announces his plans to marry her. She acts disgusted, then pretends to be sexually attracted to Cromwell. Then she kicks him in the crotch (2).

Cromwell retires to his basement torture chamber for a quick gloat over the captured leader of the rebellion, who hangs chained in mid-air while people whip him. A woman with blond hair saunters over to Cromwell and he says, in a deft little piece of exposition, "Elizabeth, your life as my consort suits you fine." We now know that Cromwell is more dastardly than we had previously thought, because he apparently doesn't value the sacred bond of marriage!

The hero establishes himself as the leader of the rebels by leading them through a tunnel or a cave for no apparent reason. During this ordeal, two men are suddenly completely eaten by rats. Those who managed to escape the rodents are captured by guards. Talon eludes them by -- this is clever -- knocking out a guard and stealing his clothes. As the soundtrack reaches a previously unachieved fervor, Talon returns to set his men free.

Knocking someone out and stealing their clothes
One of the prisoners that the hero sets free just happens to be the architect who designed the palace and the dungeon. He was locked away for fear that he would "reveal the secrets of the castle." In any other movie this character would have been introduced at this point to reveal that there is a secret tunnel into the castle. That is where The Sword and the Sorcerer is different. He is not called upon for any help. In fact we never see him again.

Mica, the captured leader of the rebellion (and somehow heir to the throne even though Talon is clearly the son of the King), is freed by Cromwell's consort. She's a double agent? But we thought her role as consort suited her fine! There are more plot twists in this movie than in one of Auntie Ann's famous pretzels!

Our hero, eluding guards, flies through a window to find himself in the midst of about 10 naked women, apparently concubines. His chiseled good looks and lecherous sneers immediately win their affection and they do their best to trip and stall the guards in various humorous ways. The pursuit follows into a room where the sister's butt is being oiled by maidens. The hero's ridiculous battle with the guards continues while the soundtrack joins him with a comic "Ewok stealing a speeder bike" accompaniment. He's eventually captured.


Butt gets oiled
Now there's a cut to a whorehouse, where rogues in different curtained stalls begin to gossip, apparently while employing the whores' services. "Talon's been captured?" Captain Morgan and TV's Frank Fontana agree to form a band and rescue him. Cut to next scene of same men in prison.
Meanwhile the King's second in command is discussing a diabolical plan to assassinate kings of other countries--with names like "Valencia" and "The Drakes"--while they are attending Cromwell's wedding. Cunning.

The wedding feast is typical. A bountiful buffet table lined with men sporting funny facial hair and chain mail. Whole roast pigs and chickens, fruit and vegetables, that sort of thing. Oh and the centerpiece... our hero nailed to a crucifix. Very Martha Stewart. The best thing is it didn't cost Cromwell a penny.

Meanwhile the concubines are setting the captured men free. Apparently Talon made a big impact on these ladies. In Cromwell's castle, concubines have a free run of the facility including access to the dungeon's keys.

During the wedding ceremony, chatter begins among the wedding party's attendants. One of the guests happens to be King Don Imus. "Is that Talon?" "Good god, we can't let him die like a dog!" "What about our kingdoms?" "Damn you, we'd have no kingdoms if it weren't for this man!"

Talon rips one of the his hands free from the crucifix with the one-foot-long nail sticking out of it. Then he yells "CROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM- WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
All the guests to the feast begin battling castle guards to help our hero dethrone Cromwell. Our hero, who was looking rather peaked on the crucifix, is now battling guards and swordfighting with the best of them. Out of nowhere someone throws him the 3-bladed sword from the beginning of the movie. We can now be assured that some "serious shit" is going to go down.
The henchmen who were planning the assassinations take Alana down into the dungeon and one of them begins coming on to her. Surprisingly, she pretends to be interested and then... kicks him in the crotch (3). This doesn't seem to faze the man, however, and Alana knows something is amiss. His head begins to peel off and it is revealed that he's that Freddy Kreuger guy. Zounds!

Now a huge battle takes place when Cromwell comes down into the dungeon followed by the hero. Talon and Freddy begin arguing over who gets to kill Cromwell. When the hero wins, he and Cromwell begin a marvelous fight wich involves both of them performing various feats of swordsmanship, mostly involving them each making their swords into smaller swords until eventually they're fighting with weapons that look like they would be used to skewer an olive for a martini.

Eventually our hero manages to poke Cromwell to death. Meanwhile Alana, who has been lying unconscious in some dry ice steam, awakens to see that she's being eaten by a giant boa constrictor. Talon yelps like a kicked puppy and slices the snake's head off, freeing the fair Alana and restoring peace to the kingdom.

Sword sliced in half

Sword sliced in half

Sword sliced in half
They return to the banquet room where everyone begins chanting "Talon! Talon!" Talon throws the crown to Mikah, slings Alana over his shoulder, collects his sex and leaves. Our hero.

After the movie a title placard warns us:

Watch for Talon's next adventure
Tales of the Ancient Empire
Coming Soon
Oh, we will. We will.

Loathesomeness of the hero = 6
Heroine acting skills in tenth of a point = 8
Cleverness of banter in one hundredth of a point= 4.6
Scrawniness of hero vs. muscliness depiction on cover ratio = 2/1
Percentage chance you will know hero's name at end of movie = 60%
Non-explosive things that explode = Some archers
Crotch Kicks = 3
Soundtrack = 4.5

"Hoo Hoo!" Factor

The Sword and the Sorcerer
100 Minutes
Rated R

Directed by Albert Pyun

Talon Lee Horsley
Alana Kathleen Beller
Mikah Simon MacCorkindale
Machelli George Harris
Cromwell Richard Lynch

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