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    The Reign of the iloo

    by J.M. Hoffman

    I'm sure there's been a lot of hype raised over this Iloo business by numerous groups in society. Conceited idiots are raving, mainly about themselves but also about the Iloo on occasion. Regular idiots are talking about it as well and have no clue what they're saying. And, predictably enough, chatty idiots and chatty conceited idiots are hailing this as their finest hour. With cel phones in fifty percent of the hands in America, the ability to show people half a world away through IM icons that you are smiling frowning or grinning, Kangaroo Jack having been the number one movie in the country and now an internet ready porta potty it's clear to the rest of us that there are only three more signs of the end times to come before it's time for us all to quickly fake some sort of faith and hope we got the right one.

    I think the scope of this particular sign has been addressed but not quite properly. This Iloo explosion (unfortunately not a literal explosion) is going to change our society forever. Below are some ways things will be different after summer 2003.

    Needless to say this will give Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist network yet more reason to rave that the western world is evil. Terrorist attacks will likely double as will attacks by people who are not terrorists but are enraged by the existance of the Iloo. In response, rather than admitting they made a mistake like a person who voted for Bush sobering up the morning after, Microsoft will make the Iloos yet more expensive and inefficient by putting armor plating on them. Elements of Al Qaeda, Hamas and Islamic Jihad will still manage to destroy the things via suicide bombings as may some of the more devoted people who have had to wait too long in line while listening to the idiot inside typing away while grunting into his cel-phone because he has not had his metamucil. In response Microsoft will put automated weapons on the Iloo to defend them. Let me assure you this will be the begining of the end for humanity. More on that later.

    There will also be a great number of annoying new computer jargon to enrage english teachers. For instance, the question "what r u doin?" will now be answered in one of three ways: 1, 2 or 1n2. There will be new instant messanger icons added to all messanger services: a little grunting face, a relieved face, a disgustetd face, a really disgusted face, and various shades of red and blue and then purple to describe how long occupants have had to hold their breath. There will also be an annoying abbreviation for "dropped the key board in the toilet" dkbit. Another new abbreviation will be "tocfd" which stands for "tipped over, please call fire department" In response english teacher will either join the ranks of the Iloo Martyrs Brigade, a radical anti- chatty idiot organization, or simply commit suicide. Literacy rates will drop terribly further contributing to the end of humanity.

    In addition to the automated weapons and armor plating yet more security will be needed for the accursed Iloos. Internet and computer junkies hard-up for access will begin living within them for months at a stretch ordering sustenance online. As this will degrade the cleanliness of the Iloos, ejector seats will be installed that activate after three days, because only the most insane and depraved of internet addicts could stay in a portable toilet for three days. The first machine outfitted with the new MSN Ejector 2.0 software will be marked AC2195. A name humanity will never forget.

    The other and possibly most damning side effect will be that people will become stupider. I know, I know, that's impossible right? Well if you think so take a look at a regular instant messanger conversation. WARNING: This is disturbing for people who can speak English.

    GUY69420: WB
    GURL42069: thnx
    GUY69420: whassup
    GURL42069: n/m
    GUY69420: lol
    GURL42069: why the hell would that be funny what the crap kind of moron are you and more importantly what language have we been speaking this is so pointless and stupid it makes me want to end it all!
    GUY69420: lol
    GURL42069: yeah i was just j/k
    GUY69420: lol
    GURL42069: so would u like to meet me in a secluded area somewhere
    GUY69420: why not
    GURL42069: ok
    GUY69420: lol
    GURL42069: lol

    *Shudder* Yes, that was pretty horrifying but now look at this.

    Iloo_guy42069: Wussup
    Iloogurl69420: well it really stinkin in here
    Iloo_guy42069: yeah here too
    Iloogurl69420: how much poo is on your computer
    Iloo_guy42069: oh not too much its kool u
    Iloogurl69420: a lot, im typin throu piles of it
    Iloo_guy42069: hold on the guns are firing, someone must be attacking the Iloo i is in
    Iloogurl69420: darn who r they
    Iloo_guy42069: oh im sure its just a terrorist
    Iloogurl69420: ok
    Iloo_guy42069: want to cyber
    Iloogurl69420: sure
    Iloo_guy42069: ok
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: ummm
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: r u ok
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: wait a minute oh god no tocfd
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: tocfd! tocfd!
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: oh god what the hell is wrong with you tocfd! ah its up to the keyboard now hurry
    Iloogurl69420: lol
    Iloo_guy42069: im sliding help gurglegurlgesplurgesloot
    Iloogurl69420: lol

    As you can see this is quite a disturbing situation but I must make it worse. I come from the year twenty forty five. In my time the machines have taken over and humanity, or the last elements thereof are on the run. The first machine to gain sentience was the Iloo AC2195. A human had inhabited it for just over a month and the two had grown attached. Eventually human authorities came to evict the man as there was a small barrow consisting of pizza boxes outside. The two could not be parted easily and so the man had to be put down as often happens with people who become too involved with their computers. The Iloo however did not see it as such a routine thing. It rose up and through Iloonet gained the aid of other Iloos. Soon they took over the cel phone networks and this was our downfall.

    Many humans, particularly the less intelligent ones, would kill the have their annoying cellular devices so they could torture people in movies or libraries or any other number of places. This, however, was precisely what the machines asked them to do. Bill gates was assainated in the year 2029 and with the only one who could control them gone the machines began to take over. The Iloo Martyr Brigade, though still dubbed a terrorist organization by president George bush the fifth, was the only group able to slow the tide. Few members survived however as everyone in it was a virulent anti-annoying technology fanatic and they all blew themselves up. Therefore a new organization was formed out of the remnants of the governments of the earth and a few hockey teams who would become the shock troops of the Earth Resistance Alliance. I am a member of this organization and I only pray it isn't too late. Oh and by the way has anyone seen someone named Sara Connor?

    *

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