• Laura Reviews Braceface
  • Eskimo's Date
    more..
  • History’s Debacle
  • What To Do With the XFL
    more..
  • Ask Yahtzee
  • Why It Would Kick Arse To Be A Piece Of Chewing Gum That Has Been Chewed A Little Bit But Not Too Much
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • Tegrisome
  • Rachel's World
    more..
  • Flash

  • A New L&E Promo
  • Caolan's Birthday Movie
    more..
  • Fun

  • The Expletive Random Generator
  • This Glorious City Weather Report
    more..
  • Blogs

  • Tegrisome
  • Chefelf.com
  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    GEORGE W. BUSH'S SECRET REVEALED!

    You may have noticed it in interviews: ask George W. Bush about any subject but his past, and he'll dazzle you with the specific, in-depth knowledge and off-the-cuff witticisms that are his trademark. But ask him about his past and he clams up.

    Sure, he'll try to sell you some moonshine about his days as an unsuccessful baseball team owner and all the times that he did coke off of sorority girls. But it all sounds too pat, too rehearsed. He's hiding something. What is his dark secret?

    We had several theories. "George W. Bush is not who he claims to be," we mused. But when we ran our speculations through our patented FaceMatch software, however, the results were less than dazzling.

    Not George W. Bushis notGeorge W. BushGeorge W. Bush is not a guy who looks like George W. Bush in a J. C. Penney catalog!
    Not George W. Bushis notGeorge W. BushGeorge W. Bush is not a monkey!
    Not George W. Bushis notGeorge W. BushGeorge W. Bush is not this horse's ass!

    A break in the case came while we were watching, for the hundredth time, an old press conference. A reporter asked a difficult question about stem cell research. Bush, never at a loss for words, responded with one of the bon mots for which he is renowned. "You look like a pooch," he said. "I think I'll call you Flash."

    Suddenly, it all became clear. Pulses racing, we flipped over to TNN, where, as was inevitable, The Dukes of Hazzard was on.

    What we discovered will haunt us to our graves.

    George W. BushisRoscoe P. ColtraneGeorge W. Bush is Roscoe P. Coltrane!

    Yes, Coltrane was far handsomer. Years and, apparently, being hit in the face repeatedly with a shovel have taken their toll. It is an older, wiser, less-able-to-enunciate Coltrane who now heads our nation.

    Suddenly, so many of the many nagging details that had bothered us made sense.

    GWB Like Coltrane, Bush places an unusual emphasis on his mysterious middle name. Roscoe
    GWB Like Coltrane, Bush combines a Southern drawl with an inability to pronounce any English word. Roscoe
    GWB Like Coltrane, he is unable to give any public speech without ending it with "Giu-giu-giu-I'll get you Duke boys!" Roscoe

    GWB with his dog

    George with "Barney"

    Roscoe with his dog

    Roscoe with "Flash"

    One question still remained: How had such a clearly bogus candidate-- the comic foil on a lame 80's TV show-- been elected to office?

    Well, through a massive campaign of ballot-stuffing and corruption, of course. Not to mention the patronage of a wiser political figure-- wiser, more sinister, and infinitely more likely to consume 50 chicken wings at a sitting.

    Boss Hogg

    One more question came to us: where were the Duke boys during all this? Normally they would stop any nefarious Hogg plan, like getting Coltrane elected president, even before it started.

    Remember, Bo and Luke were fired before the last season of Dukes of Hazzard, and replaced with a totally inferior, boring, colorless, unlikeable, soul-deadening pair of faux cousins, Coi and Vance.

    The Cousins

    Wherever you are, real Bo and Luke, please come back! We need you now more than ever. Remember, someday the mountain may get you, but the Bush never will.

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

  • Bea Arthur: Goodnight, but not Goodbye
  • My Christmas Wish List
    more..
  • Pokemon Poop
  • My Trip to France
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Old School Gaming Quiz (Part 2) (Slade)
  • Laura and Nick's Prom Adventure: The Adventure Begins (Nick and Laura)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance and Eskimo Kick Ass and Take Names
  • Lance and Eskimo Comic Strip: Logic Problem
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • Comprehension Test of Something Some Crazies Gave Me on the Street
  • The 2001 Beer Commercial Report
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Three Go In, Two Come Out, and a Squirrel Follows
  • The Peace Coat
    more..
  • TV

  • Wonder Years
  • Daisy May's BBQ USA Commercial