• Bears!: the musical
  • Laura's Mailbag from July 2002
    more..
  • Sh*t Happens
  • GOD EXISTS!!!
    more..
  • Ultra Scary Suddeny Frighty Ghosty Thing!
  • Why it Would Kick Arse to be Freddy Krueger
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Anonymous Blonde
  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
    more..
  • Flash

  • The Empress is Dying
  • Ultra Scary Suddeny Frighty Ghosty Thing!
    more..
  • Fun

  • The Lance and Eskimo Personality Test
  • Angel Blue's Bingo Page
    more..
  • Extinct Beverages

  • Extinct Beverage: Jeff's Berry Dream Soda
  • Extinct Beverage: Coca-Cola Blāk
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail
    In Search of the Elusive Hawaii Steak Elf

    Unlike his less tropical elven brethren, the Hawaii Steak Elf’s primary concern is (of course) getting his dainty little elven hands on some sweet, luscious steak. Thus, this elf is normally seen in more tropical climes, hunting for his own special brand of “magical” steak.

    But, a fact that goes most often unrecognized is that the Hawaii Steak Elf himself is a being comprised almost entirely of steak. Thus, in order to maintain his tender and juicy consistency, more steak must be found to sustain his scrumptious self.

    Stumbling upon a magical steak + 1, this elf can be seen rejoicing in its magical glow:

    What the fuck is this article about?

    Dance for me Steak! Dance!

    The Hawaii Steak Elf is occasionally prone to fits of extreme surfboarding and often given to fits of utter bodaciousness. It should be noted that he always has his own special condiments on hand, such as his magical A-1 steak sauce +4. Not only does it make hamburger taste like a steak, but steak taste like shit.

    The Hawaii Steak Elf has numerous hobbies; among them he thoroughly enjoys taunting vegetarians and people for the ethical treatment of animals. A common antic of his is running into a crowd of environmentalists and taking a hefty bite out of some holy cow or endangered animal or other such steak-producing creature in their midst, then running off giggling, to enjoy his bloody feast elsewhere, as time permits.

    The degree of swank and suffering merely adds to his delight. The Hawaii Steak Elf walks with the gait of a man in the midst of a perpetual orgy.

    Only the Hawaii Steak Elf could ever hope to attain the height of extreme limbo-stick perfection by entering into a certain zen-like presence of mind. With it, he is suddenly able to contort his body into a parallel relationship with the ground.

    If you see the Hawaii Steak Elf, be warned. He is extremely funky and may, at any time break out into exotic pantomime. A papaya cookout is not unheard of, though he himself would eat none but his exotic, almost elvenly sexual steak; or steak substitute, preferred by 9 out of 10 Hawaii Steak Elves, made from real steak concentrate.

    -Bureau of Elven Affairs, Tabasco, and Firearms

    Did I just write all that? What the fuck does that mean?

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • Tour de France Commercial Recap, Week 2
  • The Subway Is Not Your Office!
    more..
  • Extinct Beverage: Orbitz
  • The Creepy Cable Cartoon Guy
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Angel Force II: The Sidekick (Rory)
  • How To Be The Biggest Idiot Alive (Heccubus)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Eskimo's Date
  • Lance Turns 21- Part 1
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • The 2001 Beer Commercial Report
  • The Lance and Eskimo Career Aptitude Test
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 10)
  • The Passions of Greedo
    more..
  • L&E Comix

  • Lance and Eskimo Lose the Refrigerator
  • The Lance and Eskimo Personality Test