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    In Search of the Elusive Hawaii Steak Elf

    Unlike his less tropical elven brethren, the Hawaii Steak Elf’s primary concern is (of course) getting his dainty little elven hands on some sweet, luscious steak. Thus, this elf is normally seen in more tropical climes, hunting for his own special brand of “magical” steak.

    But, a fact that goes most often unrecognized is that the Hawaii Steak Elf himself is a being comprised almost entirely of steak. Thus, in order to maintain his tender and juicy consistency, more steak must be found to sustain his scrumptious self.

    Stumbling upon a magical steak + 1, this elf can be seen rejoicing in its magical glow:

    What the fuck is this article about?

    Dance for me Steak! Dance!

    The Hawaii Steak Elf is occasionally prone to fits of extreme surfboarding and often given to fits of utter bodaciousness. It should be noted that he always has his own special condiments on hand, such as his magical A-1 steak sauce +4. Not only does it make hamburger taste like a steak, but steak taste like shit.

    The Hawaii Steak Elf has numerous hobbies; among them he thoroughly enjoys taunting vegetarians and people for the ethical treatment of animals. A common antic of his is running into a crowd of environmentalists and taking a hefty bite out of some holy cow or endangered animal or other such steak-producing creature in their midst, then running off giggling, to enjoy his bloody feast elsewhere, as time permits.

    The degree of swank and suffering merely adds to his delight. The Hawaii Steak Elf walks with the gait of a man in the midst of a perpetual orgy.

    Only the Hawaii Steak Elf could ever hope to attain the height of extreme limbo-stick perfection by entering into a certain zen-like presence of mind. With it, he is suddenly able to contort his body into a parallel relationship with the ground.

    If you see the Hawaii Steak Elf, be warned. He is extremely funky and may, at any time break out into exotic pantomime. A papaya cookout is not unheard of, though he himself would eat none but his exotic, almost elvenly sexual steak; or steak substitute, preferred by 9 out of 10 Hawaii Steak Elves, made from real steak concentrate.

    -Bureau of Elven Affairs, Tabasco, and Firearms

    Did I just write all that? What the fuck does that mean?

    *

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