|The thing about the movie reviews is that we always like to come up with new and exciting ways of presenting them. The general plot synopsis often works. Sometimes more of an in-depth dramatis personae is in order. This one had us stumped. We wanted to break down a minute-for-minute recount of the action but it proved too cumbersome. We toyed with highlighting the characters and their flaws. This didn't work (too many flaws).
Every movie is different and requires different treatment. This movie had us stumped.
Finally we realized what we must do. This movie had average characters, average plot, average bad acting, average soundtrack, etc. Yet it was one of the most enjoyable movies yet! So what made it so great? Answer: the scenes. This movie has an unfair amount of classic scenes and moments. So here it is... the top 10 moments of Sorceress. Enjoy.
The movie begins with a dramatic opening of some guys on horses chasing some other guys on horses. A guy dressed in red appears and says "We have them now. Onward!" Then a woman in a hood is seen saying "Jondrias, Traigon has found us." At unprecedented 3:37, the woman spits in the villain's face. This is usually reserved for later in the movie (at least past the one hour mark). This is a tell tale sign that this will be a quality movie.
The stock "walking into town" scene is added. The twins get their first taste of the big city as a thief's hands are chopped off accompanied by admirably underplayed "ouchie owie" noises. Belly dancers cavort. Decadence ensues. The male lead is introduced [see scene #2]
Villain performs a hysterectomy on the woman he captures. A very violent and disgusting one involving a stick with metal talons on it. Woman seems unhappy about this turn of events, but perhaps not as unhappy as she should be. The feminist message later appears when it is stated that "These aren't just children... they're girl children." There's two of them and we are led to believe that they are twins.
After being ambushed the Viking says "So it's a trap, is it? All the more of these dogs to taste my blade!" This line is easily a fan favorite. Just seconds later the Viking says "By the fangs of Grugner!" Suddenly the Viking knows all the right things to say. We think that Grugner used to be a weatherman for Channel 6.
After being captured, Erlich (the rogue) is put onto a greased pole about to get a giant skewer up his butt. Traigon sees an amulet around his neck and declares him a prince and instead of skewering his butt they decide to pamper it. Later he gets his same butt rubbed with oil (which seems to be a common trait in these movies) and they stand around and reverently look at his magic butt. Suddenly the actor playing Erlich is the first actor since Kevin Costner to take a back seat to his own butt.
At the end of the movie the hero exits the castle with both girls and says something like "Two is better than one... ha ha!" Classy.
The girls says some secret magical word and a weird muppet looking creature with wings appears over the city. Then a woman's face appears in the sky next to it and they begin sneering at one another. No one seems to notice them and they eventually, after some hard-core sneering and devious leering, explode. They seem to be fighting each other but it is unclear whether or not the two of them each represent the good and bad guys (which is which?) or whether they are two separate entities fighting their own battle.
A creature that is half man half goat (How do they come up with this stuff? We find out later that his name is Pando. What imaginations on these guys!) appears to be skulking in the bushes, watching the women skinnydipping. He's wearing some sort of panpipes around his neck and his face and lower extremities are covered in fur. There follows rapid cuts between boobies and the ridiculous looking Pan creature. The girls spot him and they begin discussing who he may be. They express concern at the "weapon" he is carrying that is hanging between his legs. "What is it?" Asked one sister. "I don't know, some kind of horn," answers the other. All of a sudden, angered by the penis, the girls simultaneously punch then kick the beast until he collapses.
In the decadent town scene the hero is introduced gambling with soldiers in a tavern/whorehouse. A woman who is dancing around hugs him for luck and slips some loaded dice into his pocket. When she stands up the hero bites her ass. It's very strange and has to be seen to be believed.
One sister, Mara, is a captive at the castle along with Erlich. Erlich and her begin to have sex. The other sister, Mira, who is still in the woods with the Viking and goat man, begins having a simultaneous orgasm as her sister is ravished by Erlich. The Viking watches and says "By the horns of........... Never Mind." Apparently he couldn't think of anyone with horns, even though Pan is standing right there. We begin to notice that the Pan character is wearing some blatantly visible suspenders.
- Q: Why does Pan wear suspenders?
- A: To keep his fur up.
- Q: How long is this movie?
- A: The box says 82 minutes (which is not very long) but after timing it we find that it's only 72 minutes.
- Q: Oh brother.
- A: I know.
The Video Box
Now it is more than standard for a movie of this type to have a box that doesn't exactly "reflect the movie." However the movie Sorceress may be stretching with this one. On the cover we see a woman with a weird looking head dress standing with her back to us. I am aware of no woman that fits this description in the movie and if there is a woman like this, she must have an incredibly minor part. Also we see a guy that looks like he's wearing a lizard costume. Again we do not see this in the movie.
The movie features the Barbarian Brothers' female counterparts: Leigh and Lynette Harris. These two vixens play children who are kinda okay at fighting. There are two of them. Two. They're twins. Twins. You would think that this would be featured a little more heavily on the box, but it isn't so. Also there is a completely different logo displayed in the opening credits than on the box.
The movie is called Sorceress. Singular. Not Sorceresses. Sorceress. Why is this? There are two of the girls. I am assuming that the word sorceress is being used to describe the girls although I can scarcely see why. They don't really display any sort of magical power at any point in the movie.
The box boasts a running time of 82 minutes. The VCR clock tells no lies. From the beginning of the tape (pre FBI warning mind you!) to the beginning of the closing credits is exactly 72 minutes. so assuming a long credit sequence the movie may have gone up to 75 minutes. This could just as easily have easily been two TV shows.