Heccubus' Guide To Guessing Your Way Through College
Heccubus' Guide To Guessing Your Way Through College:
Your Five Step Guide To Being All That You Can Be, With Half The Effort
There are a lot of people out there who are currently attending, or will soon be attending college or university. While I can't directly speak for a university student, having never experienced it for myself, I have been through a year of college. During this year, I laid witness to a great deal of tests, essays, and other written assignments that result with the participant getting a pretty little letter on a piece of paper at the end of the year. As I prepare myself for another year of low-grade food, fledgling student activism, discarded liquor bottles, over-used electronics, and crappy student association events, I also prepare to put into use a simple five-step system that I hope others can put to use as well.
(PS: Follow it exactly, otherwise it won't work, and everyone will hate you)
Step 1: Environment Nothing!
You've probably heard the phrase "Your study environment is more important than anything when it comes time to 'crack the books'" or one of the ten billion other stupid phrases that are exactly like it. Well, as I have discovered based on my own success rate, this is a lie. My room was a mess. Clutter everywhere, empty pop cans, video game magazines strewn about from my desperate attempt to find that Metal Gear Solid strategy guide, computer parts, CD cases, and countless other pointy, potentially dangerous items. The secret is blocking out the mess, rather than actually dealing with it. Leaving a six-inch walkway through the centre of the clutter that connects your furniture and exit is more than sufficient. By ignoring the mess, it will eventually go away and you can study all you want, but that brings us to our next step...
Step 2: Studying For Multiple Choice Tests
Just don't. Sound easy? Well it is. All it takes on a multiple choice test in most situations is a vague understanding of what the teacher said in whatever class the test is for. And always keep in mind that if you don't know the answer, it's probably "c". Teachers also like to give marks for effort, so if you try looking very distressed, and overly-anxious during the test, you can still pass based on raw emotional stress!
Step 3: Dealing With Essays
Not only are essays a daunting task, but they are also a patience-trying nightmare. That is, if you dive into it right away. Try leaving the final draft until a week or so before the absolute-final deadline. Sure, you'll be rushed, but you won't be nearly as tempted to continuously jump back and fix minor errors that "just don't seem right". In my own first year of college, I wrote seven or eight major essays for different classes, all of which were started and completed within five days before the final due date, after having over a month to start them. And I got at least 70% on all of them, one of which lost marks because I fell ill and was unable to get the essay in on time. The ability to dash off a half-assed essay and still impress a teacher is the sign of a student who is truly "Guessing Their Way Through College". It makes me so proud...
Step 4: Fulfilling Your Social Life
While I'm sure you would rather sit at home with a copy of Popular Video Game A or Generic "I'm Smarter Than You" Political Book B, a truly Guessing student should carry on a somewhat well-balanced social life. The trick is learning when it is appropriate to take part in certain activities, for example, shambling off to the local pub for a pint probably isn't a great idea when you've got that Issues In Society And Technology lecture at 8:00 am the next morning. However, it is perfectly acceptable to wet your whistle if your classes don't begin until 11:00 the next day, giving you plenty of time to wake up, vomit, wish you were dead, swear to God that you'll never drink again, and take too many Aspirin tablets. The night before an early class gives you ample opportunity to go see the latest feature at the cinematorium, or attend a formal gathering with your special somebody, otherwise, should said special somebody be unavailable, street drugs are a great way to pass time in larger cities.
Step 5: Making Your New, Better Friends
Before you make your social life fly by in a dizzying blur, you have to make some new friends to show off to your old high school friends, thus alienating them completely with your newfound coolness. Sure, this step should probably be switched with #4, but that would require the efforts of a non-Guessing student, now wouldn't it? Ideally, you should force yourself upon these new people by loudly proclaiming which clubs you were in in high school, how many friends you had, what type of music you listen to and why it's better than any other styles, and why you think pants look so great tied around your ass, and how stupid people look with their pants around their waist. Fraternities are a great way to make friends, and hazing can be a blast! Nothing better than eating a live goldfish and being force-fed luncheon meat out of a dog dish while in nothing but your underpants to make your college life a blast. For the pale, skinny college-bound, the computer labs provide the best opportunity for making friends, as you'll meet others with the same preference in Windows jokes, Dragon Ball Z episodes, and Hyao Miyazaki movies as you! And always remember, your old friends can't get enough of your stories about all the wacky things you do with your new friends, and how much better things are than when you were in high school!
Well, there you have it, Guesser-in-training, the complete, easy-to-follow five step process to becoming the best damn college student your country has ever seen! Use this guide properly, however, as even the slightest deviation from the plan could result in becoming a hopeless deviant who will fail at everything and never succeed in life and remain lonely and depressed forever.
For further steps, such as "Eliminating The Need To Use The Bathroom" and "Saving Money By Shopping At Other People's Houses", send whatever little money you have to me, and wait patiently outside the post office with a sign that says "I am Turbo Satan", and I'll do my best to consider acknowledging your request.