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    The Candidate

    by J.M. Hoffman

    Ok so I'm now charged to finish the saga of my search for a raise. As the entire world remembers from my critically acclaimed piece Asking for a raise when I last wrote I was contemplating asking for a raise. Well I didn't. Instead I just worked and worked and nothing really happened. I made timid hints in a rather soft voice and they were not noticed. Finally I gained the nerve to ask my manager but the blasted exhaust fan drowned out my voice. As you all remember the exhaust fan has always been my nemesis, thwarting my efforts at every turn, difficult to clean, keeping the kitchen free of carbon monoxide and, on occasion, eating small children despite my best efforts to save them. The battles between the exhaust fan and I are many and demand a great deal of my might and main. To speak of them here would fill pages upon pages with exciting tales but this is not about history's greatest rivalry, it's about me and my wallet. Well actually I don't so much have a wallet as a collection of plastic and duct tape and that's been missing for days but again I get off topic.

    After being thrown down by the exhaust fan's malice I had to take drastic steps. Asking again was far too much, and my advisors argued against it accept for the militaristic former general and his "nuke em all and ask for a raise" style. Needless to say he was not listened to very closely at all. Instead we decided an ad campaign was in order so I, along with an elite team of media advisors, spin doctors, Dennis Leary and a guy modeled on Willie Nelson who may actually have been Willie Nelson, all of whom I kidnapped through time travel from the set of the film "Wag the Dog", set out to create the most ambitious campaign ever. Together we created a two minute spot to highlight my superiority and why I was best for the job and thus the raise. It was indeed a masterpiece. It is provided here uncut and in it's entirety for you to gaze upon so there will be no doubt that I should get paid some insane sum of money to wash dishes and pull weeds.

    Now if you watch it you will clearly not believe what is written here and know that I'm lying through my teeth. For those of you who are gullible and have slow connections I shall present a description in the form of a trailer.

    Coming this fall...

    A J. M. Hoffman production...

    In cooperation with Hoffman Intl...

    A Sam's Choice award winning film...

    Starring...

    J. M. Hoffman as "The candidate"

    Sharon Stone as "The Candidate's wife"

    Christina Applegate as "The Candidate's Mistress"

    and Dustin Hoffman as "Osama Bin Laden"

    The world is in peril and only one person can wash the dishes...

    -Clips of big explosions, car chases and a teaser of Christina Applegate nearly exposing herself, only to be cut off by the title, in burning letters "The Raise" Coming this fall to a workplace near you-

    The real thing was thirteen hours long before the editors got ahold of it but before we killed the film producer--er, I mean before he died of a heart attack while sunbathing--he had it shortened to two minutes.

    Ok so that's nowhere near being representative of the plot of this movie but oh well. The point is I was going to show it to my boss in three days when things were quiet and he'd have a chance to look at it. I brought it on the third day and I walked in, sat down as it was not yet time for me to go on duty, and suddenly it happened. He walked out of the kitchen and gave me a raise. I stood their in shocked aw for a moment. "but... but... um... thanks" was all I could manage. I told him of the presentation that was now obsolete, of the actors I had to hire, the directors who were troublesome and about how it was nearly killed in production because a media mogul thought it reflected poorly on him. Now I have my raise all be it without having used my masterpiece so I guess you can all see it instead. Enjoy!

    Oh and if Papa Redcloud is reading this I need your help. My friend and I have decided to view all the movies deemed to be classics. Since we like seeing people get chainsawed and viced we started with Casablanca and then went on to the mob films. Goodfelllas, Hoodlums, Casino, The Godfather part 1, Pulp Fiction, Lock stock and two smoking barrels to a lesser extent. All excellent films. So why not give Pachino's "Scarface" a chance. We did. Woe be to us we did. If chu don't like seeing Al Pachino mumble through a barely understandable Cuban accent, I hope you can help spread the word that this is a very, very bad movie. If chu are a fan of likable, developed characters, violence that has some point to it other than being violence, stories that have some sort of meaning and plots that are not completely obvious (My his boss is an asshole I bet he lives a long full life, wow that guy screwed his sister I bet he gives him flowers, hey look he likes the boss' girlfriend I bet he lets his love stay a secret to maintain their friendship, I'm also sure that if he did shack up with her she wouldn't turn into a detestable crack whore ) then please, I beg chu to do an over-rated column about this movie. Is there anyone who can point out one likeable character in Scarface? The mother hates her son, the main character is an asshole without one redeeming quality, the boss is the same, the boss's wife is going to become a detestable crack whore as happens in most mob movies. The sister might be the only decent character in the movie but we never see her except while she gets fondled. Scarface seems to have all the building blocks of a good movie (Pacino, the mafia, a chainsaw, the scenery of Miami and a historical background ) but they just leave the blocks scattered over the floor. I didn't finish watching this movie, it was that bad. Not "Barbarian Queen" kind of bad or "Six String Samurai" kind of bad but the kind of bad that makes you mourn for your poor judgement in movies.

    *

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