It has recently come to my attention that a great injustice is being perpetuated upon the public. A certain bastard "rapper" has robed himself in the moniker "Eminem". Unfortunately, Eminem is not as tasty as his delicious name would suggest. It is difficult for me to perform a thorough enough inspection, but the following facts seem apparent:
1) He is not at all sweet. Nor does he appear to be filled with any manner of confection, chocolate, or creamy nougat.
A portrayal of the adverse affect Eminem has had, prompting this M&M to make an irreversible decision. The terrible mistake has disastrous consequences.
2) He is not round and crunchy.
3) He is white, yet does not appear to be for holiday use only.
4) M&Ms generally refrain from discussing "whores" and "bitches" for the more popular candy subject matter of mocking Baldwin brothers.
5) As of yet, I cannot seem to purchase a bag of Eminems at any of the local convenience stores. And I'm not entirely certain I'd want to. Unless they were cheap enough.
Now, while it is uncertain whether or not he melts in your mouth, as of yet, he does not appear to have melted in any hands that I am aware of.
Eminem's influence prompting the production of a less wholesome candy to compete with his growing popularity. But would you put this candy in your mouth?
Suddenly, I can understand what all the fuss is about over this man. Rightly concerned parent groups are outraged simply because they wouldn't want their children putting any Eminems into their mouths by accident. Because that's precisely what Eminem would want you to do: mistake him for something he's not.
I have yet to listen to any of the "music" produced by this "Eminem" person, and I'm uncertain I'd want to because of his already blatant rip-off of Mars Candy Inc. Swiping songs is one thing, but messing with defenseless candy and promoting yourself on and at the expense of their credibility... well, that's in a whole other realm of low.