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    Anthony's Pizza of World Domination

    by J.M. Hoffman

    I'm sure some of you out there have eaten Anthony's Pizza. They're sort of like Papa John's or Little Caesars in that you go to them when Pizza Hut or Domino's are closed. In this case though my friend had a discount for working there so we ate Anthony's Pizza. It was good and all and it was much better than quietly starving, however something troubled me. I looked at the box and was shocked at what I saw. The words Anthony's Pizza were written on the top of the box. No that's not that shocking. In fact it's not even what shocked me. Below their mascot it said they had free delivery. No that didn't shock me either.

    In the very center of the box dwelt the Anthony's mascot. He's a chef who looks quite jovial and is twirling an American flag and a pizza. The bushy eyebrows and apparent mustache give me the idea he is Italian, as does the fact that he can twirl pizza which is a racial trait only allowed to Italian characters. Also I presume his name is Anthony which would make him Italian as well. And yet he appears to be very American. Just in case his blue shoes and pants weren't enough to tip us that he is indeed American and not Canadian he wears a blue bandana across his neck. Perhaps this isn't patriotism but an odd jab at the bloods by the ownership of Anthony's Inc who are loyal to the Crips. This makes sense as we all know that bloods always eat at Papa John's anyhow.

    The entire box by the way is done in red white and blue. You would think that a pizza joint would want to use red white and green, the colors of Italy's flag. Italy is where pizza was invented and thus it makes sense that Italians would want to use their Italianess in their advertising. Perhaps I'm wrong, this is on a box after all. Perhaps in their ads Anthony waves an Italian flag and his boots and bandana are green. It's easy to imagine this but why bother? My guess is they're poking fun at their customers as if to say "Haha you bought this under the belief that we are Italian and make good Italian pizza but in fact we are American. Verily we shall reveal that our pizza is deep fried and has been dropped on the floor by an employee with pimples." "Traitor!" The customer cries.

    This is their mascot before they eliminated the Italian flag and changed his colors, apparently he used to be a blood. This man knows no limits to his betrayal and deceit. Also note that the flag poles are sprouting from his head.

    But no, not even this bugged me too much. So what could it be? It's the words on the border and when I say this do not doubt that it is the truth. On the border of the box are three enlightening little proverbs. "Don't Drink & Drive" "God Bless America" and "Say No To Drugs". Where oh where to begin. First every word is capitalized for added impact. Second if I say no to drugs than why are you worried about me drinking and driving? Do you mean drinking in the sense of cola or juice or milk? Do you want me to drive dehydrated? Is it a coded request for me to not drink before driving so I wont have to make a pit stop? Are you from the future? Are you trying to stop Skynet's plot to make me drop coffee on my crotch so I can't father the person who will lead the fight against the machines? Do you know that I don't drink coffee? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?

    Next there's the fact that all three of these are together. I despise this patriotic crap but when I see someone with god bless America written alone on their truck or scratched into their forehead with a knife at least I know they're serious. Not so here. The use of so many phrases and causes cheapen all three. This isn't like my guitar. I have stickers for a hundred political social and revolutionary causes, so many so I think I'm under investigation for that "I heart Hamas" sticker which I got because they were out of bumper stickers where there was an actual picture of a heart rather than the word. When someone has stuff like this you can tell they're legit because it takes great conviction to find the stickers, then buy them, then endure a few people saying they're wrong and a bunch of people asking if Mumia Abu Jamal is a rapper and why his music should be free. Idiots!

    However with this sort of watered down patriotic crap it's clear that the person bearing these messages doesn't necessarily have to believe any of it. No one's going to be persecuted for the DARE sticker on their bumper, except maybe by me. No one has ever had stuff thrown at them for having a god bless America pin. People just do this to conform to society's demands. Everyone wears those stupid flag lapels regardless of whether they like the flag or not. Everyone instructs us not to drink and drive and to ask God to bless America since we clearly haven't been blessed with a few advantages like corporate morals and a capable leader. On every car there must be a God Bless America sticker and a My Child is an Honor role Student sticker. Failure to do this will get one reported to the thought police.

    That's required. But then there are always people who want to outdo others even if they don't give a crap about the issue they outdo them in. They may as well have thrown in "Fight Terrorism" "We support our troops" "save the rainforest" and "We support Lanceandeskimo.com" Come on now we already know everyone supports all these causes... well except the support for America's war effort and the saying no to drugs. But still those are well stated societal views. Who's going to argue in favor of terrorism or against LnE.com? It's not as if there needs to be a large political campaign mounted to get people to stop putting down our army or if we need an awareness campaign to tell people not to drink and drive. Everyone knows it's a bad idea they just don't give a crap and neither do the people who say not to. Sure there are people who protest against drinking and driving and lobby with politicians but they're probably not named Anthony and if they are they're probably not too into blessing America and saying no to drugs.

    How do I know this? Because on the box they make a humorous pun: "Nobody doughs it better!" Yeah, like you would find that funny when you're not high! And more importantly let's be honest here--Marijuana is responsible for fifty percent of all Pizza sales in the US and Anthony knows this so he won't be campaigning against pot anytime soon. Incidentally Marijuana is responsible for 100 percent of Cheetos sales and ninety percent of vanilla coke sales. The other ten percent is people like me who drink it to figure out if they like it or not, can't decide and then go drink some more. This politically correct act disgusts me... but why do it in such a hyper-aggressive manner. As best I can tell no one's accused Anthony's of employing terrorists. I ate some pizza that Aman Al Zawhari made, it involved pita bread, dates and falafel. I told him it wasn't all that good and he called me an infidel and then tried to crash a ball of dough into me. So why are they trying to seem so patriotic and correct? I have a theory.

    You see sometimes I see these cars with American flags flying from the antenna and a bunch of red white and blue bumper stickers. I flip them off. However that's because I know they're stupid. I know they really do hope we blow up the middle east and anyone who prays to the west instead of in a church. However people like Anthony puzzle me. Let's examine this man. It's clear he came from Italy and wants to conceal that. Why? Italy isn't a terrorist state... or is it? Remember Benito Mussolini? He was scary, with that pointy hat and all. So he WAS a terrorist. I bet he's really mad at America too. No wonder all of Europe opposed the war, they're still mad over World War II. So it's clear the Europeans have much anti-American sentiment. So Anthony hates America but he doesn't do anything so why should he need to cover that up?

    This question stumped me for a while until I remembered Ayman Al Zawhari's attempts at pizza cookery. Every ethnicity loves pizza - white, black, terrorist. Terrorists? Why yes that makes sense now! I've seen Arabs and people I suspected of being Arabs in pizza joints. And it's clear by the Bush administration's policies that anyone looking to be Arab or having dark skin is a terrorist. My god! Terrorists eat at Anthony's all the time. But why? Because they're getting money. The terrorists clearly are acting as hired muscle for Anthony, driving planes into the offices of their competitors. For this they are given funds and free delivery. And worst of all Anthony helps his goals of revenge against America. Once Anthony's is the only remaining pizza chain he will use this leverage to keep America out of World War III while Italy takes over all of Europe. With Italy giving funding and aid and an army of pizza powered Crips no longer troubled by the Bloods ( who, without Papa John's are just a disorganized rabble ) Anthony will take over America and rename it Anthonica. But don't fear, I'm onto him.

    *

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