Here's the long-awaited episode guide for the third season of Friends, complete with episode name and number, a synopsis, Dune Guy ratings, and funny, funny Dune Guy quotes from each one.
301: Chandler and Janice Piss Off Joey
Chandler's girlfriend, a "Nanny" clone, annoys Joey. Meanwhile, Monica regrets breaking up with that old guy she was going out with, you know, the actor. Burt Reynolds? And Rachel reveals Ross's Princess Leia fantasy to general mirth. "Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!" "Girth? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why would they do this?"
302: Ross's Big Day
Ross tries to get the Friends dressed for an event at his museum. It's a virtuosic episode, which takes place in real time and never leaves the apartment. It's as tightly constructed as a Greek play and is reminiscent of Hitchcock's Rope. It gets the coveted 5-out-of-4-Dune-Guy rating. The highlight is the fight between Chandler and Joey over chair cushions and underwear. "Not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad!" "In the words of A. A. Milne, Get out of my chair, dill-hole!" "The cushions are the essence of the chair!" "Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place." And the all-time classic Dune Guy line: "That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!"
Dune Guy Reference Alert
Isabella Rossellini guest stars in Episode 305, "The Home Entertainment System." Notice Ross's reference to a Dune Guy movie. "I'm a big fan of yours. Ooh, `Blue Velvet.'"
305: The Home Entertainment System
Joey becomes a handyman and wreaks the inevitable havoc; Phoebe hangs with her submoron brother; the Friends play "Celebrity Sleepover". "You know, it's my fault, because the couch is where we usually KEEP the varnish!"
Chandler gets a new roommate…Joey. The two bond over Baywatch. Phoebe abandons Monica's apartment, driven away by Monica's evil ways. Ross's wife leaves him for another woman. "Wow, look at 'em run!" "You are one of my favorite people, AND the most beautiful woman I have ever known in real life."
307: Goodbye, Mr. Tribbiani
Joey teaches an acting class for soap operas. Monica buys a bed from Janice's ex, but gets the wrong one-a racecar bed. Ross has to chill with Rachel's evil dad. "Whoa, somebody missed the off ramp." "My bed's so boring."
308: I Saw Janice Kissing Some Guy
Joey sees Janice kissing her ex-husband-and he has to tell Chandler. Also, Phoebe goes to the dentist. No big deal, except that every time she goes, somebody DIES!! It's the awful tooth. It's a real brush with death! I taped this episode so I could watch it at tooth hurty. "See, that's the problem with having an invisible dentist." "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba Birthday." "You can't leave! I have your shoe!"
309: The Geller Cup
The gang decides to play football together. Monica and Ross have a childhood score to settle as they compete for the Geller Cup. Joey and Chandler fight over a Dutch girl. "I want to sit around in my bathrobe eating peanut clusters all day. I want to start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals!" "Wait a minute, how are we gonna get there, because my mom won't let me cross the street."
Joey dates the director of a Broadway play and almost gets the starring role in Brigadoon Ross is worried that he will begin taking Rachel for granted, and he has the Friends brainstorm new romantic things for him to do. Phoebe decides to write a romantic song for him to sing. "You know, they say there's a broken light for every heart on Broadway." "You tell me. You're the one who's going out, with a girl!"
312: Steppity Step and Jazz Hands
Joey has to teach a dance class. Of course, he has no skills. What ensues is pure comedy! Ross is jealous of Rachel's smoove boss Mark and sends Rachel all sorts of extravagant presents. Chandler has a stripper party for his cousin. "Well, why don't you send him a musical bug?" "She's a business woman. She's walking down the street and oh oh oh, she's naked!!"
313: Just Friends
Monica meets Richard in the video store and they decide they're ready to be friends. Phoebe's new friend wears pants that leave little to the imagination, much to Chandler's chagrin. Meanwhile, Joey and Rachel read each others' favorite books, "The Shining" and "Little Women." Guess whose favorite book is whose. "Sometimes you guys just burst into flames." "Stretchy pants!! Well those are the best things in the world! If I were you, I'd wear them every day, every day."
315: Communication Breakdown
A real yawnfest where Ross and Rachel fight over nothing and break up. Phoebe has a date with a diplomat who can't speak English. Chandler and Joey are gaga over a hot girl at the copy place who invites them both to a club. Chandler and Joey begin laying down threesome ground rules, but Rebound Ross ends up dancing with her. "This isn't like swimming after you eat. Pick up your phone!!"
316: The Morning After
Ross wakes up with the Xerox girl, and, taking Chandler and Joey's advice, tries to hide this from Rachel. She finds out, and the gang is trapped in Monica's bedroom while Ross and Rachel have an apocalyptic fight. Could this be it for our couple? "Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question-- How dumb are you?"
317: Ski Weekend
The friends try to divide their time between Ross and Rachel. The situation so stresses poor Chandler that he begins smoking again. The Friends, sans Ross, head up for a ski weekend that doesn't go as well as it could. Ross and Rachel alternate between sulky and petulant. "Actually, yesterday I started smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still." "Beam me up Jesus." "I thought if I littered that crying Indian might come by and save us." "I can handle it. 'Handle' is my middle name. Actually, it's the middle part of my first name."
318: The Cold Shoulders
Rachel and Ross spend an entire episode hanging out with the rest of the friends without speaking a word to each other Get over yourselves! "M'lord, I come bearing tidings of woe." "What, why, what, what do you know?"
319: The Magic
Monica dates Pete the millionaire, but feels no magic. Among Ross's petty acts in this episode is demanding back his "Frankie Say Relax" T-shirt, which Rachel sleeps in. He also wants to break up a date between Rachel and Mark, but Chandler acts as the voice of reason. Joey gets the lead part in a play, and mistakes his attraction to the female lead for hate, until Chandler acts as the voice of reason. Phoebe believes "Spiderman" should be pronounced like "Goldman," but Chandler acts as the voice of reason. "Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings. 3rd wife sold separately." "Either that or Gloria Estefan was right… sooner or later the rhythm is going to get you." "Ah, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth."
320: The Day of Good News
Monica gets a dollhouse, inspiring Phoebe to make her own. Joey sleeps with Kate, but to her it was just a one night stand, while Joey wanted more. Rachel sets up Chandler with her boss Joanna. Joanna likes him, but he doesn't like her. He says he'll call her, and when he doesn't, Joanna's wrath falls on Rachel. So she makes Chandler go on a second date with "the big dull dud." "Hey, my father's house does that." "Multiple so many papercuts!"
322: Boxing Day
Everyone goes to see Joey's play, Boxing Day, on opening night. It's trashed by the papers, so the temperamental director breaks up with Kate. Kate and Joey "have the night" where they stay up all night and fall in love-and then she takes a job in LA. Rachel dates a guy who screams at people when he gets mad. However, only Ross sees him act out, so everyone assumes Ross is making up fibs. Phoebe spends the episode on hold with her phone manufacturer, trying to get it repaired before the warranty runs out. "Step away from the duck."
322: Boxing Day
The gang goes to the beach because Phoebe wants to meet an old friend of her mother's, also named Phoebe. They play strip-Happy-Days-Game, since they can't find cards. Rachel and Ross flirt until Bonnie shows up. Rachel convinces Bonnie to shave her head. "I know that hat. I was taken aboard that hat." "Hi. I'm Dorf, your date for the evening."