Recently, I was called upon to write an article on some musician (Natalie Cole?) by some place I write articles for (in theory, and in theory alone, I should be getting paid for this). Apparently that show Saturday Night Live did some parody of her song, and I was supposed to find out what exactly was done to parody it. As a dutiful researcher, I realized the most accurate info would most obviously come from the source itself, and so I immediately hurtled myself straight toward it: the Saturday Night Live web site. Unfortunately, that web site finds information offensive and (I suppose) a black background seems to be the extent of its humor. I was really looking forward to peeing in my pants (really I was), but you can only laugh so hard at a black background. But none of that is of any relevance to this article.
So, stumbling through the place for info, I came across something that startled me even more than the fact that I was wasting so much time researching such a stupid article. Glancing at the cast of the show, I came across a picture of this stoned girl:
Suddenly, I was forced to ask myself: "who is this stoned girl and why is she so stoned? And why would such a 'respectable' show as Saturday Night Live allow someone so clearly on illegal narcotics to be featured so prominently?"
From that moment onward, I knew these questions and others would have to be answered. If not for me, for the sake of future generations of people with similar mental illness. And so, the quest began, until finally, all was made clear by reading her bio.
The girl’s name was Tina Fey. Contacting her offices, I was amazingly able to procure an exclusive interview with the illustrious Ms. Fey. Sitting down to chat, she was kind enough to discuss with me her goals, interests, and hopes for the future.
A Bit of Background on Ms Tina Fey:
Growing up in the outskirts of Quebec, Tina Fey soon realized that it was simply wrong to be Canadian and so crossed the border towards comedic freedom and healthily rigorous Christian repression.
Raised in a predominantly libertarian family, vacationing and hunting convicts for sport on a small island off the southern tip of France, she made her first bona fide kill at the age of 8. As a young adult, she spent her days studying calculus and nights reading the poetry of Byron and the philosophy of Nietzsche. Always the prankster, a favorite hobby of hers was setting ice cream on fire, leaving it on someone’s doorstep, and then running.
But always, comedy was on her mind as a profession. Recruited by Saturday Night Live after a humorous incident involving a hammock, an umbrella, and the firebombing of Dresden during World War II, Tina immediately began cranking out her own special brand of humor as head writer for the show and the lady who does that mock news thing with some other guy who seems to get in her way, but she doesn't say anything to him, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
The following is the unedited transcript of the exclusive interview (part 1):
Tina Fey: Did you know that there are over 160 different pressure points and 8 major "kill" points on the human body?
Brother Jacques: No, I didn’t know that. Over 160, eh?
Tina Fey: Yes.
Brother Jacques: 161?
Tina Fey: Yes, 161. I once felled a goat with such deadly techniques.
Brother Jacques: A goat, eh?
Tina Fey: It was a menacing goat.
Brother Jacques: How can a goat be menacing?
Tina Fey: It had threatened to blow up a schoolbus full of children.
Brother Jacques: How can a goat threaten to blow up a schoolbus full of children?
Tina Fey: Well, you can tell that’s what it wanted to do. It was obviously its intent to do so. It was implied. So I saw myself as having been justified in the use of deadly force.
Brother Jacques: So you went into action.
Tina Fey: So yes, I went into action
Brother Jacques: Do you feel regret at having killed the goat, now? Any remorse?
Tina Fey: No, the goat deserved to die.
Brother Jacques: Really?
Tina Fey: Goats die. It’s just a fact of life. Goats die all the time. Goats are killed all the time, and people eat them. Meat goes to the strongest. And I am far superior for having done so.
Brother Jacques: Why do you look so sleepy in that photo?
Tina Fey: Well, let’s just say "screw Columbia".
Brother Jacques: I hear ya. By the way, about your name...
Tina Fey: Yes, many people ask me about that.
Brother Jacques: That’s an interesting and unusual name you have, "Tina", what is it?
Tina Fey: Dutch-Mexican.
Brother Jacques: Oh? Which part of you is Dutch?
Tina Fey: The part that isn’t Mexican.
Brother Jacques: Makes sense.
[Tina pauses to take a sip of water]
Tina Fey: I should hope so.
Brother Jacques: Few people know this, but you are in fact the inventor of those little urinal cookies, aren’t you? How did you come upon the idea? Especially being a girl and all. I’d think it mostly a male dominated concept.
Tina Fey: Well, just projecting as a guy, mind you, I just thought one day: wouldn’t it be fun for guys to have something to pee on? Something to aim for, giving them more of a focus and reason to be peeing. You know, for concentration. My rationale was to give them reason to pee so they knew they’d be accomplishing something productive. It gives them something to aim for. Some goal. Some purpose. And only a girl could truly realize that from an objective enough standpoint, looking at it all from the outside. Some object to pee on seemed the next rational step. Like a little tablet, or bar... a cookie.
Brother Jacques: And with this added focus and concentration, they’d be sure to get it all in.
Tina Fey: Their lives would depend on it.
Brother Jacques: And so the cookie notion was born.
Tina Fey: The whole cookie notion came into being. Yes. I’ve always liked cookies, so the notion seemed appropriate. People are always eating cookies. Wouldn’t it just be ironic and fascinating, I reasoned, if they were peeing on them as well? They’re not usually made of the same ingredients though.
Brother Jacques: Oh, no. Of course not.
Tina Fey: Chocolate chip and peanut butter urinal cookies would be pretty worthless. No one would want to eat them once they began to taste like urine. Not even guys.