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Why does mascara run?

Why do books open from the left side?

Why do all Cubans smoke cigars?

Why does rain only fall up?

If you're like me, you've wondered about these and hundreds of other frustrating questions. Well, I decided to do some research and I've written a little book presenting the answers to over 175 Mind-Boggling Questions.

Unfortunately, the only resource available to me was the public library, or, as I call it, the "shitty public library." All it contains, besides tiny horrid gnomes and the dirty lunatics who sleep in the carrols, is about 10 volumes of some encyclopedia from the 50's, and tons of back issues of Omni magazine. So the facts I was able to glean weren't exactly as fabulous as I hoped. And none of the fascinating questions I mentioned earlier were addressed.

Still, you can be assured that when you take the Fun Book of Fabulous Fast Facts into the bathroom to take a dump, the book will simultaneously take a dump. ... OF KNOWLEDGE!!! ...... Into your HEAD!!! (I apologize for the extremely graphic and horrible nature of the preceding image.)

So what will you learn, you ask? Oh, nothing, just little facts like:

  • why it it called Queen Anne's Lace?
  • who invented the zipper?
  • when was the first ballet in the United States?
  • What were the top-grossing 5 movies of all times, and where does The Postman figure on this list?
  • What is 'lucid dreaming?'
  • What state boasts the largest network of underground caverns in the US?
  • How many planets are there, not counting the mysterious "Planet X" which may or may not be beyond Uranus?
  • How can I learn to dream lucidly?
  • What city boasts the first traffic light?
  • This article about the Boy Scouts is creepy. Kids from the 50's all look like Nazi youth.
  • What state boasts the highest rate of infant mortality?
  • What are the advantages of lucid dreaming?
  • Why is every article in Omni about lucid friggin' dreaming?
  • What was that noise?
  • Are there vagrants in this public library?
  • If so, are they rabid, or is that toothpaste?
  • Are mitochondria small?
  • What is best for fighting off vagrants who call me a 'pretty girl'... Volume R of the encyclopedia or an issue of Omni?
  • How do they make soap?
  • What is the gross national product of Denmark?
  • If you think you might have rabies, what do you do?
and all those other questions you've just been dying to know the answers to.