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Jason X

The Friday the 13th series really speaks to me, y'know. I know I've only seen two of the nine films, but still. In my quest to discover the perfect cliched horror movie sequel I have yet to find one that hits a perfect 10 out of 10 with my scoring system, but I have a feeling that when I do it'll be a Friday the 13th film.

Imagine my delight when I discovered a tenth film is coming out, bravely choosing to ignore the fact that Jason Goes to Hell was subtitled "The Final Friday" and was described as a 'finale' on the back of the video box. It's a courageous producer who begins work on a film so receptive to mockery! Jason X is a landmark title as it chooses to officially implement the naming system fans of the series have been using for decades (for instance, 'Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood' is usually shortened to 'Jason 7'), and what's more, it's science fiction!

I downloaded the trailer, so I know this. It's set on a spaceship in the far future after our hero J.V. is revived from cryonic storage, and he chases a bunch of oversexed teenage space cadets, and he becomes a cyborg at one point, blah de blah de blah. To be honest I could tell just from the dialogue in the trailer that this isn't exactly going to be a flick designed with intellectuals in mind, but hey, neither was Men in Black.

But allow me to clarify my point. Thank you. It's not simply the fact that we're getting a new Jason film set in space that excites me. It excites me 'cos this brings in a whole new candidate for sci-fi crossovers!

SCENARIO 1: Jason vs. Star Wars

[SCENE 1: someone's house]

OBI-WAN: The force is strong with you.

JASON: [breathing hoarsely] Hooorrrrr ... ksssshhh ...

OBI-WAN: Now, let's see how you wield that light-machete.

[Jason kills Obi-wan]

[SCENE 27: Death Star]

DARTH VADER: Hoooooorrr ... ksssshhh...

JASON: Hoooorrr ... ksssshhh...

DARTH VADER: Hoooooorrr ... ksssshhh...

JASON: Hoooorrr ... ksssshhh...

DARTH VADER: Jason, I am your father.

LEIA: I can see the resemblance.

[Jason kills Leia]

[SCENE 149: Emperor's digs]

EMPEROR: Hey, Jason, kill me, then you'll have to come over to the dark side or some shit. But I know you won't kill me 'cos AAAAARGH

[Jason kills emperor]

JASON: Hoooorrr ... ksssshhh ...

DARTH VADER: Well, that ruined the whole bloody scene, didn't it.

[Jason kills Vader]

[SCENE 10 ZILLION: Ewok village]

HAN SOLO: Hey, the emperor and Vader are dead and we won!

JASON: Hoooorrr... ksssshhh...

EWOK: Kupo!

C3P0: Damn these ewoks piss me off.

HAN SOLO: I think I'm supposed to bonk Leia now but she doesn't seem to be around.

JASON: Hoooorrr... ksssshhh...

[Jason kills everyone in the whole universe]

OBI-WAN GHOST: Well, shit.

Sounds like a moneyspinner to me! Hey, George Lucas baby, you should have got me to direct Episode 2. I know what people like. E-mail me and I'll tell you about this Freddy Kreuger / Indiana Jones crossover I've been thinking about! Cha-ching!

P.S. I apologise for how little I know about Star Wars.

P.P.S. No I don't.

Copyright (c) 2000-2002 Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
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