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Not for Nibblers

Triscuit CrackersWhen you are as unemployed as myself and my brothers Laura and Paul, you quickly find ways of nourishment that are atypical to say the least. Usually you find a super cheap food and stick with it six days a week. I have become somewhat of a master of the grilled cheese. I know what you're thinking... but Nate aren't you a fully trained Classical French Chef? Perhaps. But in leaving the restaurant business to pursue my own culinary ventures I had to learn to deal with a few things. Firstly, I learned to deal with having 80 hours a week suddenly freed up. Secondly, I learned to deal with keeping all of my hair even the ones that have turned grey. Thirdly, I learned to deal with a much smaller budget. So I buy cheese in five pound bricks and three packs of bread from Stop & Shop.

  • 3-pack of bread = 27 grilled cheese sandwiches = $2.89
  • 5 pound block cheese = 60 grilled cheese sandwiches = $9.25

So for a little under thirty cents a sandwich I eat them two at a time for three meals a day.

  • Total daily cost = approximately $1.80

My brother Paul decides that his poison is spaghetti. Spaghetti is good too, just not my preferred weapon (all that hassel for boiling water and heating sauce... he can have it!) He keeps huge stocks of spaghetti readied in "clik-claks" to preserve their freshness.

  • spaghetti = $1.00 for one pound.
  • sauce cost = $.99 (at food suprlus bargain store)

One box of spaghetti keeps a man fed for an entire day. It makes two huge helpings or three modest sized helpings. Paul eats about a box a day on average.

Total daily cost = approximately $1.90

Laura is different. She hasn't developed into full maturity yet and therefore doesn't necessarily eat. Sometimes she will eat but it's usually just bread. Maybe a loaf a day.

  • 3 pack of bread = $2.89
  • Total daily cost = $0.96

Sometimes we aren't fortunate enough to have our preferred food or as we have taken to calling it: Method of Ingestion for Life (MIL). This is when other things suddenly become nourishment.

For example: A friend of mine who worked for a food distribution company ran into me about a year ago and asked if I like Pepproncini (those spicy peppers found in antipastos). I said, "Sure, they're pretty good." So he gave me a whole case. Evidently there had been a mix up and he couldn't use them.

I thought: "What will I do with this?" Little did I know that this would turn out to be a life saver in times of great hunger. Me and my friend Chris (who still doesn't have enough money to actually eat) had run out of cheese so we decided to make Pepproncini sandwiches, and the results were better than we could've expected. They filled us up and made our stomachs not cry out in agony, so we were happy.

Myself and Laura were watching lousy TV one Sunday afternoon when we ran out of bread, cheese, pasta and sauce. Could this be the time we actually died of starvation? That's when we discovered some chocolate chips in the freezer. Semi-sweet chocolate chips. A few cold and crunchy mouthfuls later we were all nourished. That Laura, she's very resourceful.

Myself and Laura had also been known to actually eat Triscuits when we were really hungry. Triscuits are among Earth's shabbiest snack crackers. They taste like pressurized sawdust. What was worse is that we had the low sodium kind.

The two of us were sitting there grumbling in misery, drinking Coke, eating Triscuits and watching Briscoe County Jr. when we noticed something written on the package. "Not for Nibblers." I immediately took offense to this. I may not be a little lady, but sometimes I like to just nibble a cracker rather than forcefully shoving it into my dry and hungry mouth. What other way is there to eat a cracker that tastes like yarn? I am not compelled to wolf down Triscuits. If that is a crime then color me guilty!

No other products warn "Nibblers" to stay away. Are't most snack foods made to be nibbled? M&M's, Pringles, Planter's peanuts. Nibble. Nibble. Nibble. Laura was visibly disturbed by their exclusionary marketing and so we decided to write them a letter to explain our concern.

It seems to me that Triscuit crackers should not be so picky about who's eating them. The vast majority of those eating Triscuits must be pinching their nose before gulping down their dry foul putrescence.

Not for NibblersBeing a chef at heart I came up with a few ways to make Triscuits not as horrid. You can mash them up and soak them in milk absorb some moisture. I also find that a 4:1 ratio of cheese to cracker can be quite enjoyable. I have yet to find any recipes that really thrilled me involving triscuits. If anyone out there has one, send it to me at You could win a free hat, mug or mouse pad but you probably won't.

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