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Zelda Title Screen
Legend of Zelda
If you've played the Legend of Zelda then you're familiar with the aspects of the game. If you haven't then shame on you. Get an old Nintendo and buy the Legend of Zelda. Or if you already own it and want to download a backup copy ;-) go to and download an emulator (I suggest either Nesten or Nesticle) and then download the Legend of Zelda Rom. Either way, enjoy my analysis of the game.

The Missing Links

Link is our Hero. There is little or no explanation given as to why he specifically should be the one to rescue Zelda and restore peach to Hyrule. The only explanation I can come up with is that he's the only mobile person in all of Hyrule and given the smattering of Hyrulians profiled on this page he's far more equipped to take care of business. The rest of Hyrule is a rather sad and pathetic bunch but I'll take care of each of them individually. Link is the hero and he does a fine job, although he often gets sidetracked due to his excessive greed.
The Sword Master

Sword Guy
The sword guy seems like a nice enough chap. He offers Link his first sword for free. Then he waves the next two in front of his face taunting Link that he can only have them once he's "learned to master" them. This is a somewhat flawed method. How is Link to master a sword that he can't use until he's mastered it? It's a Catch-22, you see. Ay, ay, ay!
David Letter Man

Guy that gives you the letter
This guy informs Link that he must show a letter to the "Old Woman" who up until then had just been sitting there and staring blankly at the wall (apparently just playing dumb). Link takes the letter and the man vanishes (which happens often enough). Link can't wait to find out what the letter is going to get him. A new sword? A Valentine? Rupies? I can hardly stand the excitement sometimes.
Dr. Quinn

Medecine Woman
When Link shows this old hag the letter she whips out her "Little Miss Small Business Owner Starter Kit" and sets up shop. Now there's yet another nice looking item that Link cannot afford. Link goes back up to the cave to see if the letter guy is still around so he can beat the stuffing out of him but he's nowhere to be found.
Wise Guy

Wise Man
The wise man may be wise to the goings on in Hyrule or the general geography of the underworld but he's no genius. His brain must be so crammed with Hyrule trivia that he completely forgot how to speak. He's usually saying something semi-cryptic like "The East Penninsula is the Secret." which always falls just shy of being enigmatic because Link has already found what he's talking about and has bumped into him about six times since then.
Can you keep a secret?

Secret Guy
Bravo! Link and the Secret Guy hit it off right off the bat. A guy who just gives Link money for blowing off the front wall of his house or burning down a tree. Link wonders how this cound not be a secret to everyone seeing as how it's usually under a tree or statue. He also fears for Secret Guy's health, it must be bloody murder trying to breath under there.
Will you be my Valentine

Potion and Heart Container Guardian
This is Link's favorite guy. More so than even seeing Zelda is the joy brought about by burning down a tree or leveling a mountainside to find this man's stoic visage. He offers Link a choice. Now think about this Link, think really hard because you can only make this decision once. There's no turning back. Do you want the life potion that's readily available from any of a half dozen medecine women or do you want a heart container Valentine? Choose wisely, Link. For Hyrule. For all of us.
Buy somethin' will ya!

The merchant just looks like a buffoon. Look at him! He just sits there like a giant bearded lump. His customer service skills are noticeably lacking. He assaults Link with the line: "Buy somethin' will ya!" Another Merchant says "Boy, this is really expensive." Hyrulian merchants have a decidedly small market. Link, that's it. There's only about fifteen other people in Hyrule that aren't monsters and none of them can move. They should be kissing Link's feet when he walks through the door.
Gamblin Guy

Money Making Game Coordinator
I can scarecely think of any offer that's less enticing than this old fool saying, "Let's play money making game." Again, Link is his only target audience for this game, he should market it a little better. Maybe if there was something like a race, or a skill contest involved. Link doesn't have time to be playing a completely random "choose the right rupy" type game. He has triforces to rebuild and princesses to save.
Show me the Money!

"Pay me and I'll talk!" Lady
What's this woman's damage? "Pay me and I'll talk." How does Link know that what this woman is going to tell him is worth anything at all? Eventually at some point or another Link gets desperate enough for a clue and is sitting on enough rupies that he accepts her terms. Link looks at his options. Five rupies, ten rupies or twenty Rupies. Obviously Link would like to pay the five rupies, but he's no dummy. She's obviously not going to tell him what he wants until he pays the full twenty so he does. Then she tells him how find level five. Great. Link tries in vein to stab her in revenge seeing as how he's looking for level eight.
Pesky Kids

Guy that charges for door repair
After Link blows up yet another rock wall in his unending quest for Valentines and rupies he's rather chagrined to find that this is actually someone's house. Link wonders why the man's door is actually a huge slab of granite attached to the rest of a mountain but feels sorry none the less. The two agree that 30 rupies is will be adequate for the man to reseal himself inside the mountain. Link feels he has a pretty good case but has to settle. He has no time for small claims court, he's on a quest.
Hungry Jack

Hungry Guy
This hungry man is just kinda standing there in between two flames. Link is a little confused by the sound "Grumble, Gruble..." He doesn't know if this is being said by the man or if it's his stomach growling. He appears to be one of the boomerang tossing Goriya that has been seperated from his brethren. Alone and cold without his boomerang and lost in the depths of Level 7 he's taken to begging for food. It's quite sad actually.
Where do you want to go today?

Secret Path Custodian
This guy is about as useful as a restroom attendant. How come when Link wants to see someone again (like the bastard that gave him the letter) they're gone, vanished into thin air? Yet when Link would rather never see someone again they're there at ever turn. Every time Link enters a cave this gentleman says "Take any road you want," as if Link needed him there to figure out that piece of knowledge. Link is more frustrated because he always chooses the wrong road and has to re-enter the cave where this man begins to say it again as slowly as possible: "T..a..k..e.. a..n..y.. r..o..a..d.. y..o..u.. w..a..n..t.." Link's one weakness is that when people are talking he becomes paralyzed for no particular reason. If Gannon had only known this he could have used it to his advantage. And why aren't these damn "roads" labelled? What is this guy doing in here when he's not announcing the purpose of the room to Link? What he should be doing is making some friggin' signs!

Invisible Bomb Satchel Spokesperson
A Vice Presidential Salesperson for Invisible Bomb Satchels Inc. (IBS) this man has a great offer for Link. "Are you tired of being only able to carry 8 bombs in your old outdated invisible bomb satchel? Why not upgrade to the 12 bomb model? This is the bomb satchel for the adventurer on the go. Not 255 rupies, not 155 rupies, not even 110 rupies. If you order right now you can receive this Invisible Bomb Satchel for only 100 rupies. Order in the next ten minutes and we'll throw in four bombs free of charge." This shyster later tries to sell him the 16 bomb model.
My Princess

Princess Zelda
Zelda is of noble breeding and speaks thusly. She's the one person in the game that Link isn't embarrassed for when she's speaking. "Thanks Link, you're the hero of Hyrule," she says. Then she holds the Triforce of Wisdom over her head while Link holds the Triforce of Power over his. It's very disappointing that she doesn't give him a hug or anything else that would lead us to believe that hanky panky would ensue. At least we know that Mario and Pricess Toadstool got busy.

Coming next... The Creatures of the Overworld -- A breakdown of everything from Leevers to Peahats. Relive the frustration.
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