Keith's
TRUE AND ACCURATE ACCOUNT
OF
THE EVENTS
LEADING UP TO THE UNTIMELY DEMISE
OF
THE SLOB GOING BY THE NAME OF "HUNK"
AND
THE GREAT PRINCESS ALURA OF EROS

March 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:

Voltron is ruined!! It's all Lance's fault, he took his latest girlfriend out for a midnight ride in the Blue Lion and the evil witch Hagar possessed it and gave Lance's chick a real scare. She ain't goin out with him no more! Anyway, now we have to go find the friggin lion or we can't make Voltron. We have to go across the Plains and Mountains of Eros in a covered wagon and not the Lions because Lance's lion is missing and none of us will let him ride with us. I don't want him riding with Alura because he might make passes at her. Correction. He WOULD make passes at her. And I don't want that. I don't want him riding with ME, though. I doubt he'd make passes at ME, but you never know!!!
People who think its easy being the leader of the Voltron force should be shot. All these people are morons. Lance is girl-crazed, Pidge is an annoying little bug, and Hunk is just plain stupid. The only decent one in the whole bunch is Princess Alura.

March 4, 1848
We shot 285 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. It was easy, I just imagined the buffalo was Lance (well, Lance holding a hundred pound weight anyway). Usually he's not half bad but today he was makin passes at Alura, right, it's cool, nothin new there, but she said OK, let's go see a movie right? But I wanted to take Alura to see "Snake Eyes"!!! Stupid Lance!!!!!!!
We lost 20 pounds of food due to spoilage: The perfect end to this perfect day.

March 6, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.

March 7, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
128 bullets
59 pounds of food
Hunk (drowned)
Hunk-- drowned!!! We are all put out, natch, but we none of us are surprised. Hunk is quite a heavy guy. Now we'll have to drop Sven a line when we get back to Eros. He can fly the orange lion.
We saw Kel Frizzihair's grave.

March 11, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. We'll have to put the past behind us and try to caulk again. I hope Lance and Alura both drown. Apparently Alura ENJOYED her DATE with LANCE! Well, well, well! I guess you WOULD like seeing a movie with that MORON if you LIKE to see movies with MORONS!!!

March 12, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Darn.
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

March 14, 1848
Broken wagon wheel.
We fixed the broken wagon wheel. We spent a whole day fixing it. Neither of us will admit it to Alura but we are in a deadly competition for her affections. We spent from morning till night getting nowhere on the wheel, we were so busy showing off, that around dusk she came out and said she doubted the wheel was so broken that we both had to take off our shirts and flex our muscles gratuitously to fix it. She took one look at it and laughed and said "oh look, it's just dislodged" and snapped it back into place, just like that!! Without even (much to our dismay) taking off her shirt!!!

March 17, 1848
We shot 179 pounds of meat. This time I shot an amount of meat aproximately equal to Lance's weight. (He is 174 pounds.) However I did not pretend the four deer were him. He and I have called a truce and joined forced because Alura hasn't been going out with either of us lately and we figure if we put our heads together and consider it a victory if either one of us gets a date then we'll get further.

March 18, 1848
An ox wandered off for 2 days. I think he went back to see Uncle Froggy's grave.
Well all of our plotting to get Princess Alura worked-- FOR LANCE!! She asked him out!!! SHE asked HIM!!!!! He said we should both consider it a victory because he couldn't've done it without me but he had this smug grin on his face and I declared our truce null and void.

March 20, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Princess Alura and I played Red Light, Green Light with Pidge. Lance was reading War and Peace in a corner to impress Alura with his mighty smarts. That was one of my ideas, but it didn't work. I used one of Lance's techniques which was to "accidentally" trip and fall over Princess Alura then laugh and help her up and stare into her eyes. I think it worked. She stared at me for a long time. Lance says from now on he's gonna use his techniques and I can use mine.

March 21, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. I think Pidge is trying to come on to Princess Alura now. He must be real bored. So must Princess Alura. She's taking him to the carnival.

March 23, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. We all went to the Annual Fort Kearny "Kearnival". Alura and Pidge went on the Ferris wheel together. Alura is getting very strange. I'm not even sure I'd want to go with someone who has her taste anymore.
I take that back.

April 1, 1848
We shot 288 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Lance had to do the shootin today cause I had a date. Yep, just yer normal, average, everyday, run-of-the-mill date with Princess Alura. Yup, that's all it was. Oh baby, I'm such a charmer!!!
We lost 21 pounds of food due to spoilage. Who cares, Princess Alura thinks I'm cute!!!!!

April 3, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. I scratched "ALURA + KEITH = {heart}". Then I looked round and saw Lance writing "ALURA + LANCE" and Pidge scratching "Hey Hey I'm a Monkey." I looked at Alura to see which of us she scratched, for she had been writing "I LOVE" a moment ago, but under that it said "Smiles." Lance thinks that means him, but I don't see the connection.

April 4, 1848
We saw Rod Zilla's grave.

April 6, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. Alura met a soldier who she was flirting with. Lance and I decided to go to the ball and dance with other girls to see if she got jealous, but she didn't notice because she was surrounded by girl-starved soldiers.
Pidge danced with Polly, the fort parrot.

April 18, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. I wish I could be Independent of Lance and Pidge.
Pidge has been bulking up since Fort Laramie and now we are out of food. Thanx Pidge!!!!

April 19, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. I'm hungry!! We were considering eating Pidge, but we decided to wait until the bruises heal.

April 20, 1848
No water.

April 21, 1848
We shot 350 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. ELK, baby, Elk!!!
No grass for the oxen.

April 23, 1848
No grass for the oxen. However there's nothing I can do about that, IS there!!!
Princess Alura has cholera. She is not happy.

April 24, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 5 days. Princess Alura is the only thing holding us together. Without fear of her disapproving, we would probably all beat each other up. Pidge would be gone within a day, and Lance and I would fight to the death!!! Besides, it would be SUCH a shame to waste that body in death.

April 30, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 4 days.

May 1, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

May 3, 1848
Princess Alura is well again. Thank you god!

May 5, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

May 9, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass. Alura wants to head to Fort Bridger from here for the Grand Silver Golden Jubilee Extravaganza Ball, but the rest of us refuse to go because we all look silly in black ties. We only have four pounds of food left, but we're all too polite to take it.

May 10, 1848
Pidge took the last four pounds of food.
We shot 236 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

May 11, 1848
No water. Maybe I could do something about that... IF I WAS GORON, GOD OF WEATHER!!! Geezzzz!!

May 12, 1848
Bad water. It tasted suspiciously Lizardy.

May 13, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Princess Alura told me stories about when she was child in the palace. I did my best to stay awake.

May 18, 1848
Pidge has a fever. I knew we shouldn't have given him the trick taco we made from last week's antelope, but Alura and Lance INSISTED that nothing would happen.

May 19, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

May 21, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

May 24, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.
We decided to rest for 4 days.
Princess Alura has the measles. She better not die on us!!

May 25, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

May 29, 1848
Pidge is well again. Goody goody gosh.
We can't hunt at landmarks but we're out of food and we can't go till Alura gets well.

June 2, 1848
We traded 15 bullets for 5 pounds of food. Some deal, huh?
We traded 14 bullets for 5 pounds of food.
We decided to rest for 3 days.

June 4, 1848
Princess Alura is well again.
Pidge has the measles. We decided to go ahead across the river anyway. We NEED to hunt.

June 6, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.

June 7, 1848
We shot 378 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Our health is VERY POOR, though.
We decided to rest for 3 days.
We saw Lord Pontias' grave. Is this an Omen?
Lance is sick with typhoid fever. I guess so!!

June 8, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days. I think things would be better for me with him dead-- Princess Alura griefstricken, crying into my shoulder... But he's a friend, and besides, Alura threatened to claw my eyes out if I didn't.
Alura spends all her time at Lance's bedside. Lucky devil.
Lance is certainly making the most of his illness. When I went in to fold the towels he looked very pale and said he was dying and his dying wish was for Alura to kiss him just once. She did, passionately. AAARGH!

June 11, 1848
Princess Alura has dysentery. That's what you get for swapping spit with a dying man!

June 12, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

June 13, 1848
Pidge is well again. Oh yeah, he was sick wasn't he? I just plum forgot about him. Sorry, Pidge, but you're just not all that important to me.

June 16, 1848
Lance is well again. We are competing for prime spot at Alura's bedside. Lance says he'll brave a relapse if Princess Alura wants him to kiss her, it's the least he can do after she did the same for him. She was so touched she let him. Lance made the most of it, let me tell you. He's so gross. Then she let me, but only the cheek!! I hate you, Lance!!!

June 19, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

June 21, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

June 22, 1848
Princess Alura is well again. All right! Now we can get things done! Too bad she doesn't want any lovin' when she's well. Ah well, she'd probably want it from Lance anyway.

June 28, 1848
We shot 274 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
An Indian helped us find some food.

July 2, 1848
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 4, 1848
We shot 289 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Pidge has dysentery.

July 5, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

July 11, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
Whiny crew members.
We lost 25 pounds of food due to spoilage.
We took the wrong trail and lost 1 day.
Cranky mood.

July 13, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
No water.
An ox wandered off for 3 days. Stupid Ox!

July 14, 1848
Pidge is well again.

July 16, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

July 17, 1848
We have reached Soda Springs. Have you had YOUR break today?
Bad water.

July 18, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

July 19, 1848
Pidge has the measles.

July 20, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

July 22, 1848
We lost 13 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 24, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall. It's just as well Pidge is sick. There was a dance and with only two of us Voltonians for Princess Alura to choose from me and Lance each got half of the dances.

July 25, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We decided to rest for 2 days.

July 27, 1848
We shot 205 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 28, 1848
Pidge is well again.

August 3, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
Rough trail. Me and Lance both tried to sit close to Princess Alura so when we got jostled around she would bump into us and we could have an excuse to hold her. We are so immature.

August 5, 1848
No water.
We lost 15 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 6, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 13 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 8, 1848
No water.

August 9, 1848
The trail is impassable. Lost 5 days.

August 10, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We traded 11 pounds of food for 19 bullets.
We traded 12 pounds of food for 17 bullets.
We traded 2 pounds of food for 3 bullets.
We traded 1 pound of food for 1 bullet.

August 12, 1848
Princess Alura is suffering from exhaustion.

August 13, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.

August 14, 1848
Princess Alura got sick and died. She knew last night she was dying even though she felt all right at the moment and she has us all kiss her goodbye, then she said "OK Keith and Pidge you can go now." She wanted to be ALONE with LANCE!! After we left we heard strains of disco music coming from her room. And now I can't get Lance to tell us what happened. All he'll say is "For a sick chick she sure could PARTY!" I guess Princess Alura did that just because she was dying and she didn't have to worry about me being jealous anymore. She knew I loved her but she loved Lance and she didn't want to hurt me. That or she loved Lance in a superficial, physical-attraction sort of way and me in an emotional way, and she just did that to kill 2 birds with one stone: 1. Not make me sad when she left, because I would be mad at her. She didn't want me to be sad. 2. Get to boogie down with Lance.
My life is a war that can never be won.
Pidge is sharpening his toenails on a rock. I think he plans to stab me.
Lance is contemplating throwing himself into the swollen river. He can't though because we're still a couple of days away from it HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

August 17, 1848
We shot 276 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 22, 1848
No water.
We lost 15 pounds of food due to spoilage.
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.
We decided to drop 1 spare wagon wheel.
We decided to drop 1 spare wagon axle.
We decided to drop 1 spare wagon tongue.
We decided to drop 4 sets of clothing.
We decided to drop the subject.

August 23, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
No water.
A thief stole 3 sets of clothing. My red jumpsuit is missing! Now I have to wear my Voltron uniform all the time. Lance is the only one with both outfits. All Pidge has is his green headband. Whenever Pidge complains about his situation we whip him with a wet towel.

August 26, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 27, 1848
Bad water.

August 28, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 7 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 29, 1848
An ox is sick. Nothing ever happens anymore. The only interesting thing going on is Lance's mysterious long hours spent in his room, writing something. Letters?

August 30, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We have reached Fort Boise. When we got there one of the soldiers said, "Hey, do any of you guys know a... Lance?"
"That's Me!" Lance cried.
"You got a bunch of letters here," the soldier said. "Most of 'em perfumed."
Geez. Princess Alura barely gone for a fortnight and already he's got perfumed correspondence with other women.

August 31, 1848
We lost 4 pounds of food due to spoilage. We found a mailbox conspicuously situated in the middle of the trail. Lance sent a bunch of letters out. I think he's got about 40 girlfriends.

September 2, 1848
We shot 352 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Bad water.
Pidge has a broken arm. Gymnastics, who needs 'em.
No grass for the oxen.

September 3, 1848
Bad water.
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the wagon axle, but we replaced it from supplies.

September 4, 1848
Lance has cholera.

September 5, 1848
An ox died.
We decided to rest for 6 days. Lance is miserable. Cholera's not too fun. I bet if Princess Alura were around now she wouldn't be kissin him!!!

September 12, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

September 14, 1848
Lance is well again. I wonder how he got word out so fast that he got 12 get-well cards within the last week. Also, how did he get mail delivered out here?

September 18, 1848
Bad water.

September 19, 1848
Bad water.

September 21, 1848
We shot 107 pounds of meat.

September 22, 1848
No water.
No grass for the oxen.
Rough trail.

September 23, 1848
We saw Scherezade's grave. Since she was such an important person she has a statue erected to her. She is pretty HOT! I wish she was still around today.
As you can probably see I am suffering chick-withdrawal. At least Lance doesn't have that problem!!!

September 23, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
We fixed the broken wagon tongue.

September 24, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

September 25, 1848
Bad water.
Broken wagon tongue.
We couldn't fix the wagon tongue, but we replaced it from supplies. What is it with these wagon tongues!!!

September 26, 1848
We have arrived at the Grande Ronde in the Blue Mountains. It's sure purdy.
A thief stole 3 sets of clothing. We have no clothes now. What would Princess Alura say to us wandering around the Blue Mountains buck naked!!!

September 28, 1848
We traded 1 ox for 3 sets of clothing. Lance got a leather jacket, blue jeans and a T-shirt. I got a red NASCAR jumpsuit. Pidge got a green shirt with stupid blue fringe and green pants. Incredibly, this is just like our old outfits!!!!
No grass for the oxen.

September 30, 1848
No water. Lance stole my last bottle of Polish Springs!

October 1, 1848
A severe storm caused a delay of 1 day. I was hoping Lance would get struck by lightning but he didn't.

October 2, 1848
Pidge is well again. Now he is ready to enter the Dalles Gymnastics Competition.

October 5, 1848
We shot 291 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

October 6, 1848
We lost the trail for 5 days.

October 9, 1848
We lost 21 pounds of food due to spoilage.

October 12, 1848
We have reached The Dalles.
We decided to drop 1 spare wagon wheel.
I wanted to drop Pidge but hey, 2 or 3 extra pounds won't make much of a difference.

Epilogue-------

In Willamette Valley, Keith, Lance and Pidge found the Blue Lion. They flew it back to the palace where they spied and angry mob armed with torches and pitchforks waiting for them.
"Word must've got out about Princess Alura's death," Keith observed.
"Do you think?" Lance asked sarcastically, shoving Keith out of the driver's seat and stepping on the gas.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing!" Keith cried.
"I'm saving our hides," Lance replied grimly.
"Hey!" cried a member of the mob from below. "They're getting away!"
Shouting angrily, the mob pelted the Blue Lion with stones as it flew away unharmed.
Later, Zarkon, upon hearing, from citizens of Eros, the distorted account of events blaming the Voltron Force for Princess Alura's death, invited Keith, Pidge and Lance to join the evil guys on Planet Doom. Ever-faithful to Eros, Keith refused at first, but Lance was swayed easily. "After all," he reasoned, "the people of Eros betrayed us without even hearing our side of the story." Eventually, Lance had Keith and Pidge convinced, too.
When they got to Planet Doom, it was obvious that Keith could no longer be leader. He just wasn't the criminal mastermind type. Lance, getting into the spirit of being evil, rose to become the new leader of the much-condensed Voltron Force.
Meanwhile, an unknowing Sven arrived at Eros only to be tackled by the angry mob. Having found a scapegoat in which to vent their anger, the people of Eros went back to their everyday peaceful existence.
One day at Planet Doom Lotor came rushing at Lance with a knife, intending to stab him for the murder of his one true love, Alura. However Lance easily sidestepped him and sent him hurdling into the wall. While he struggled to pull his knife out of the wall, Lance touched a pressure point on the back of his neck and he died instantly.
Keith and Pidge were becoming frightened of Lance. He was just getting too evil. They set up a secret underground rebellion against Lance's tyrrany. As Lance grew more and more powerful they gained more and more allies until the entire Doom Society was against Lance. Sensing that he was about to be overthrown, Lance slipped quietly out to a small, backwater planet in the Sol System.
A planet going by the name of "Earth."
A primitive planet just beginning to get over the extreme pollution of its previous inhabitants, inhabitants who had moved on ages ago to spread throughout the entire galaxy, and evolve new life.
When Keith took over Planet Doom, spreading a new era of peace and prosperity throughout the land, abolishing evil and putting the rest of the Intergalactic Voltron Force out of jobs, there was one tiny, flickering spark of evil left in the galaxy.
Little did he know that when these new people, the so-called "Humans," reached the year they would call "1999," this spark would flame into a giant fire, spreading evil everywhere and damning the entire galaxy to enternal hellfires. It was Lance's criminal masterplan, long after he died deep within the primitive jungles of Earth.
And, knowing nothing of this, the petty humans would continue with their petty lives, worrying about their petty problems, oblivious to the eternal suffering of the entire universe, not knowing that soon their petty planet and all its petty inhabitants would be sucked into an eternal vortex of misery and anger.
And, somewhere in the deepest, darkest regions of the deepest, darkest Hell, evil souls are being turned loose into the galaxy, and, as all hell breaks loose over the galaxy, Lance is laughing himself to final, eternal sleep. Mwa ha ha. Ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!
August 10, 1998
by Keith
Attached: A piece of scrap paper found on the wagon floor:

Lance's Book of Stuff that Happened that Time We Were Looking for the Blue Lion.
March 1. We left.
March 2. Sent letter to Lovely Marian.
March 6. Sent letter to Lovely Jennifer.
March 7. We had to say goodbye to Hunk because he died. Poor guy.
March 10. Date w/ Lovely Allura.
March 12. Sent letter to Lovely Allyson.
March 19. Date w/ Lovely Allura.
March 22. Sent letter to Lovely Jessica.
April 6. Danced with some chicks.
June 7. Bored bored bored bored sick and bored.
June 8. Bored bored bored sick and bored.
June 8 (again). Kissed Allura Boy is Keith PISSED!!!
June 16. Kissed Allura again. Sent letter to Samantha.
August 14. Partied w/ Allura. She died. I didn't do it I swear I didn't we were just partying together and she said how much she enjoyed my company, that's what she said to. Then she keeled over and died. Poor thing. She was so pretty too. And nice. I liked her. But maybe now Keith will not be so bad.
August 29. Wrote letters to Lovely Maria, lovely Annabelle, lovely Emily and Lovely Selina. Also Lovely Alice, Candy, Mary Anne, Elizabeth and Charlotte. Plus Lisa, Julie, Carrie, Zoe, Wendy, Katherine, Kelly, Anastasia, Sally, Rachael and May Belle.
August 30. Got replies.
September, um, 4 I think. Sick and bored again. Blaah.
September 26. They say you learn something knew every day. Well today I learned more than I wanted to know!!!
September 30. Contracted mild case of brain freeze.
October. We made it. Got my Pretty Shiny Kitty back. We are hailed as heroes on Eros. Yay!!!
STUFF THAT HAPPENED LATER: Alura's gone and so is Hunk and it's just no fun anymore. We realized all we had to do was kick Lotor in the shins and he went away. Keith took over doom planet. Peace now. He's got some sort of Memorial to Allura goin down. I'm here on Eros with Arani, Julise and Kalika, My Lovely Blue Girls from Planet Doom. Pidge opened up a catering business.