I am Lord Pontias. I have formed an uneasy alliance with Enemy Mine. We were kicked out of Independence, Missouri because his minions burned down a house with me in it. In the ensuing confusion dozens of innocents were killed. We are banished from civilizations and must start a new one on the west coast. My betrothed, Svengali Sue, agreed to come with me and Enemy Mine brought his vile henchmen the Dog Brothers. The old Saddlemaker was also kicked out of the town at the same time for peddling porn and he asked to come with us. We reluctantly agreed. We think the old man will slow us down, and if he does, we will tie weights to his feet and throw him in the nearest river!
March 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:
- 6 oxen
- 6 sets of clothing
- 600 bullets
- 1 wagon wheel
- 1 wagon axle
- hockey equipment
- 1 wagon tongue
- 400 pounds of food
- 6 cases of dynamite
- 5 rifles
- 12 pistolas
- 2 15-pound weights (for the Saddle-maker's feet)
March 4, 1848
Uneventful so far. Snow. Cold.
March 5, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. It is frozen in spots. The Dog brothers are playing hockey while I confer with Enemy Mine. Should we take the ferry? Caulking the river might not be wise. We will have to avoid icebergs. Svengali Sue has just seen "Titantic" and is very nervous.
March 6, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Sue screamed at every piece of ice we poled away. But it was laughably easy! I wanted to go back and do it again.
March 8, 1848
Still snowing so we have not yet hunted. We have agreed that the Dog brothers will do the hunting and Sue and I will cook. Enemy Mine is perched atop the back of the lead ox like a clay Buddha which is perched on an ox.
March 9, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. Last night the weather improved and the river is clear of ice. The Brothers swim while we talk. We decide to caulk the wagon again since last time was so successful.
March 10, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Of course, because I was the one at the helm of the wagon. I love to caulk! I live to caulk! I feel that my whole life has been wasted because I did not know of my special skill.
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. The melting snow probably contribuuted to this ridiculous weather.
March 13, 1848
We decided to go hunting. We released the Brothers on the naked wilderness and they were off, hooting and hollering like the wild jackals they resemble. They shot 510 pounds of meat, firing off bullets like they were lining the path to Oregon. Wasteful fools! When finally they were able to injure a buffalo, Svengali Sue was forced to finish it off with an axe. Furthermore we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
March 16, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. They do not want us here; the doors are closed to us. They have heard of our asdverntures in Independence. It is the Saddlemaker who is most hated here. They throw dung at us as we leave. The Brothers open fire and wound several civilians.
March 17, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. The wagon disappears under a blanked to snow. We huddle and shiver.
March 19, 1848
We lost 11 pounds of food due to spoilage.
March 20, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We are off to a slow start and we have not been able to hunt because of the weather conditions! We have only 300 pounds of food.
March 22, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. The Saddlemaker entertains us with several French books of etchings.
March 23, 1848
The Dog Brothers are suffering from exhaustion. They have not slept since the Saddlemaker gave them the books of etchings. Furthermore they have been jumping up and down and howling nonstop. Now the rest of us must tend to these brawny idiots.
March 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.
April 1, 1848
We shot 500 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Enemy Mine displayed his proficiency on the rifle. We rest for a few more days since we now have enough food. Svengali Sue is running out of ways to cook buffalo.
We decided to rest for 3 days.
April 3, 1848
The Dog Brothers are well again. It is about time. We have hidden the porn.
April 5, 1848
We lost 14 pounds of food due to spoilage. It is time to let the Brothers display their idiocy again.
April 6, 1848
We shot 418 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Once again far too many bullets were used. I want to leave the Dog Brothers behind because they are a waste of food. Enemy Mine argues with me. He just wants them there for his own protection. Coward. If I wanted him dead he would be a corpse right now, and the Dog Brothers would be too.
April 9, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. We pass the grave of Rod Zilla. The fool made it only to Chimney Rock before he died. I have no patience with weaklings.
April 11, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
April 13, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. Here the Saddlemaker disappears for a few hours. I enter the city. I see him shaking his hands with Danger Elwood, the notorious villain. What is the Saddlemaker's fiendish game?
April 15, 1848
The Dog Brothers are improving. They only used 18 bullets in their hunting trip, and successfully shot ONE squirrel. Even Enemy Mine has to agree that they are more an inconvenience than anything else.
We lost the trail for 2 days. Enemy Mine is thinking of shaving his beard. Svengali Sue convinces him not to.
April 19, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Gort Dog, one of the brothers, shot at a distant bug but he missed.
April 21, 1848
We shot 54 pounds of meat. We have 265 pounts of meat. It will suffice.
We lost 16 pounds of food due to spoilage. I am saddened.
April 23, 1848
We lost 11 pounds of food due to spoilage. Today has been a terrible day. I am beset by bacteria and poisons who want to spell my DOOM!!!
April 25, 1848
We shot 3 pounds of meat. The Brothers squandered 20 bullets. The bullets actually weighed more than the meat. Thank you, Dog Brothers, for lightening the wagon! Enemy Mine remarked that perhaps they could jettison their brains as well, since they don't appear to be using them. I replied that that might actually make the wagon heavier, since I am convinced that their skulls are filled with helium.
April 28, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. We are shocked! The weather has been so nice. Well, you know that Louisiana Purchase weather... if you don't like it, wait a few days....
April 30, 1848
We have 106 pounds of food.
I decided to ration the food in meager portions.
May 2, 1848
We decided to hunt in the snow. Not surprisingly, we have litttle luck. We manage to shoot 3 pounds of meat, and we use 18 bullets in doing so,
We traded 16 dollars for 40 pounds of food. If I had known how things would go I would have left the guns and bullets in Independance and just brought money.
May 3, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. We can only hope to trade for more food.
We traded 1 set of clothing for 50 pounds of food.
We traded our only wagon axle for 50 pounds of food. If that breaks, so help me, I will kill.
The Dog Brothers got lost. Unfortunately, we found them alive after 4 days. What were they doing? How did they get lost? Idiots! Why could they not have stayed lost? Now I have assigned Svengali Sue to look after them at all times. Idiots!
May 6, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
Saddlemaker has the measles.
Enemy Mine shaved his beard.
May 7, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days. Enemy Mine has decided he looked awful so he is regrowing his beard.
May 8, 1848
Svengali Sue has a fever. I hope she recovers. She is less idiotic than the rest of these people. Besides, who knows if I will be able to find another wife in Oregon. If she dies I will have to find an Indian bride.
May 11, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.
May 15, 1848
The Dog Brothers have dysentery. Everyone around me is sick. Me and Enemy Mine are running around tending to the other four. We have little water, little food, and no time to hunt. I want to stop feeding the Saddlemaker but Sue won't let me. If she dies, his food is cut off!
May 17, 1848
Saddlemaker is well again.
We found some wild fruit. Perhaps things are starting to go well.
We decided to rest for 5 days.
May 18, 1848
Svengali Sue is well again. Thank God! Now only the brothers are still sick.
May 19, 1848
We shot 9 pounds of meat. I shot 5 hares--an entire family! I am satisfied.
We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage. Acceptable.
May 24, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
May 25, 1848
We shot 48 pounds of meat.
May 26, 1848
The Dog Brothers are finally well again.
We lost 5 pounds of food due to spoilage. This is all we need! The Brothers want to hunt but I give Enemy Mine the gun and send him hunting.
May 28, 1848
We shot 334 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Enemy Mine successfully stalked and shot a caribou. I respect Enemy Mine... he is a great intellect.
May 31, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass.
We traded 2 sets of clothing for 100 pounds of food. If this goes on we will arrive in Oregon buck naked.
June 2, 1848
An ox is sick. We shoot it and load 200 pounds of meat into the wagon. Now we have 520 pounds of food!
We decided to ration the food in filling portions.
We took the wrong trail and lost 1 day.
June 5, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
June 9, 1848
We shot 262 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I see a river in the distance... perhaps we can caulk the wagon and float it.
We lost 48 pounds of food due to spoilage.
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
1 set of clothing
1 wagon wheel
We found out that the Saddlemaker was reading some racy stories by lanternlight when he had a little accident and knocked over the lantern. Luckily the Dog Brothers were having a water balloon fight nearby and doused the fire before much was destroyed.
Saddlemaker has a fever. Serves him rigfht, the clumsy, destructive fool! I decided not to rest. In fact, we will increase the pace!
June 10, 1848
We will now travel at a more strenuous pace. When Sue asks why, I say that I am worried about not reached Oregon by winter.
June 11, 1848
June 12, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing. I can't wait to caulk across. I love to caulk! An Indian guide has offered to take us to a shallower point in the river. I laugh at him and have the Dog Brothers drive him away with sticks. How dare he try to rob me of my rightful position as King of the Caulkers! We will float across, and I will be hailed as the genius that I am.
June 13, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost:
57 pounds of food
Lord Pontias (drowned)
Enemy Mine (drowned)
Svengali Sue (drowned)
Dog Brothers (drowned)
A fitting end for a bunch of horrible misfits.
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