March 1, 1848
We are sick of the religious persecution of the East! We are ready to find a new golden land in Seattle where we can worship our own gods. Rock Armstrong has just loaded the golden calf in the wagon and we're ready to go.
We started down the trail with:
10 sets of clothing
1 Jolly Roger
2 wagon wheels
2 wagon axles
2 wagon trannies
2 wagon alternator caps
2 wagon tongues
180 pounds of food
1 golden calf
1 skeleton arm
March 2, 1848
We shot 44 pounds of meat. We shot 1 deer and 1 duck. We're going to eat the duck tonight, Cap'n Brandon has a special sauce he plans to use. He says it's very good.
March 3, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Cap'n Brandon, La Femme Jesse, Femme Fatale, Rock Armstrong and myself have come down with a stomach ailment. From now on Jesse is cooking.
March 7, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. We're pretty scared because we've heard stories about this crossing. But Cap'n Brandon claims that he's sailed these waters before. In fact, he says that he'll be keelhauled if he can't sail a trim little vessel like our covered wagon across the high seas if need be and definitely this little river.
None of us trust him. We don't think he's a real pirate.
March 8, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Everyone is shocked.
March 10, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Pinochle.
March 12, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. Oh no, we have to rely on Cap'n Brandon again. Morale is low because his eye patch keeps on switching sides. He can see out of both!
March 13, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
Perhaps the cap'n's advice to pray to the four winds was a good idea after all.
March 14, 1848
La Femme Jesse shot a buffalo but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost the trail for 1 day. This was thanks to Cap'n Brandon. His ridiculous map is unreadable to all but him. I don't see why the entire distance from Independence to Oregon should be measured in "paces."
March 16, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. Boy is it cold!!!!! I am really freezing. La Femme Jesse entertained us with stories about her mercenary work in Prussia! Boy has she had an interesting life! Femme Fatale volunteered to go out looking for firewood. Cap'n Brandon made hot chocolate.
March 19, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Goddamn!!!!
March 20, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. Played pinochle but we have definitely lost some cardds. All these delays are really fraying some tempers. Femme Fatale and La Femme Jesse are getting very snappy.
March 23, 1848
We shot 200 pounds of meat. Femme Fatale got one deer, La Femme Jesse got three. I think Femme Fatale is a little jealous.
March 24, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney.
March 25, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
1 set of clothing
1 wagon wheel
instructions for "Jenga"
no Jenga pieces
Boy were we pissed.
March 27, 1848
We shot 523 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Mmm, buffalo.
March 28, 1848
We lost the trail for 2 days. Femme Fatale made a radiant origami chain of pigs with the Jenga instructions. Rock spends all of his time looking in the mirror. He disturbs us all.
March 31, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
The morale was even lower than usual so I decided to organize races. In the 235-pace sprint, the two Femmes brushed up against each other and there was an instant fight. Rock tried to separate them. The femmes are fine but Rock has a bloody nose and a pair of shiners. We used a cut of buffalo meat for his eye.
April 2, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We really hate fog. Right now Rock and Femme Fatale are outside crocheting a "WE HATE FOG" flag for the wagon. I must admit, it is going to look very keen. It's orange letters on black, and the orange sort of fades into the black in a rather spectacular effect. Rock is really quite talented, but surprisingly modest about his crocheting ability.
April 4, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. What else is freakin' new.
We have officially run out of things to do. We just sat around staring. And we got to hear Jesse's mercenary anecdotes---AGAIN.
April 7, 1848
We shot 407 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. We sent out Jesse alone to do the hunting. One shot, one buffalo.
We lost 46 pounds of food due to spoilage. Thanks, Rock, for leaving the tupperware lids ajar!
April 8, 1848
We lost 40 pounds of food due to spoilage. Rock, don't you learn anything?
HEY BABY DON'T LOOK AT ME, IT WAS CAP'N BRANDON.
"It wasn't me, by the four winds, I left that tupperware ship shape and bristol fashion. It was that lowly skalawag Rock as sure as the day I was born."
I lost the journal briefly and when I found it I discovered that it had been vandalized by members of the party. I didn't even know Brandon could write!
April 9, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Boxing contest.
April 11, 1848
An ox is sick. We kept moving. We passed a grave of Ken Doughnut. He had a man, he had a plan. Unfortunately he did not have much luck. Had he prayed to the four wind gods, as we do, he would have made it farther!
We have reached Chimney Rock. It looks like a chimney.
April 14, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. It looks like a Laramie.
April 16, 1848
We shot five deer. The party is finally starting to draw together. There we were, blasting the hell out of deer, and I think I saw some real love there between us!
April 17, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We made an immense salad.
April 20, 1848
We shot 50 pounds of meat.
We lost the trail for 3 days. I am beginning to hate our group. No, really hate them. Captain Brandon is a shabby excuse for a pirate, Rock is an arrogant, self-centered weasel,
HEY YOU'RE NO BEN FRANKLIN YERSELF MR. "OHH I'M SOOOO BENEDICT"
Yes. And the Femmes are violent little psychopaths. Fatale is a bitter person and Jesse is mroe at ease as the head of a violent regime's secret police force than as a settler. Still we press on.
April 28, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
May 1, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We decided to press on. "Screw the fog," said we! But after passing our campsite nine (9) consecutive times we finally decided to rest until tomorrow.
May 4, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. Decided to wait one day becuase the wind gods were not favorable to our continuing today.
May 5, 1848
We shot 329 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Femme Fatale is getting sick of meat. She's threatening to become a vegetarian but we keep telling her we don't shoot many tofu burgers on our hunting trips. Still she whines. Grow up you eco loser!
May 8, 1848
We shot 194 pounds of meat. Caribouuuu!
We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.
May 11, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass. We decided not to take the road to Fort Bridger because we are out of money. Fatale is short of nail polish. She wants to trade for it but none of us are willing to part with two oxen for glittery metallic nail colors.
May 15, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Cap'n Brandon and Rock Armstrong got tummyaches. They were just lying there groaning with berry juice running down their faces. What a couple of idiots.
May 16, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing. Oh no, here we go! Cap'n Brandon has one more chance to screw up. We sacrifice breath mints to each of the four wind gods. South wind may be a little peeved bt the rest seem OK with the crossing.
May 17, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost:
O Benedict (drowned)
Cap'n Brandon (drowned)
La Femme Jesse (drowned)
Femme Fatale (drowned)
Rock Armstrong (drowned)