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Wuzup God Part II

Well, here it is, as I promised it. Sorry if it's not up to its usual standard, Rags insisted on waiting till the last minute. By which I mean I waited till the last minute to tell Rags to do it. Anyway. If you don't know what the hell this is, visit Messages from God and Wuzup God Part I.

You can run, but you can't hide from me
--God
Rags RAGS SEZ: Am I the only one who thinks this is way too B-horror-movie-ish for a god who purports to be love? Think about that. God Is Love. God's not satisfied being a loving being, even being the world's most loving being. No, he Is Love. Well, hear this, God: I am not just made of rags; I am Rags. I epitomize Rags. Every time you blame a housefire on oily Rags, you are really blaming it on oily Me.
God GOD SEZ: "Being God, I know why you would want to run from me. You see me as this...well...this...God who has all these rules."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Here's a tip, guy. If you don't want kids to see you as a God, don't start your sentences with "Being God..."
God GOD SEZ: "And you don't like my rules because if you followed them, you think you wouldn't have any fun. So you avoid me at all costs. You don't want to talk about me. Hear about me. You just want to hide from me."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Way to tell me how I feel. I guess you know because you're God and you made me feel that way, huh? If I was God I would also use my divine powers to make all my children feel apathetic and run from me and then I would bring them back using the power of bus banners.
God GOD SEZ: "And there are times when you know in your heart that I don't approve of what you're doing (that conscience thing...that's Me!)."
Rags RAGS SEZ: You mean... YOU'RE JIMINY CRICKET? Shit! Laura, get out my best Sunday suit and the churchkey, I'm goin' to Sunday School.
God GOD SEZ: "You see, I know everything before it happens. I'm OMNISCIENT. That means I know everything before it even happens."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Whereas I, on the other hand, like to repeat everything more than once. I REITERATE. That means I like to repeat everything more than once. That means I reiterate.

I'm everybody's homey
--God
Rags RAGS SEZ: When I first read this I thought it said "I'm everybody's honey." I thought that was a little promiscuous for a god who invented marriage. But then, a god who claims to BE LOVE should be everybody's honey, shouldn't he? Also, I would just like to state here that I am everybody's honey. I'm cuddly and limp. What more could you want in a man?
God GOD SEZ: "Thatís right, Iím everybodyís homey. Black, white, Asian, Latino, Indian, rich, poor and everything in between-- I made you all."
Rags RAGS SEZ: I love how the races are black, white, Asian, Latino, Indian, rich, or poor. Let's think about this... two colors, a continent, a geographical area, a country in Asia, and two financial groups. I would like to lead a formal petition for "made of rags" to be added to the list. "...Indian, rich, poor, made of rags, and everything in between." That would cover the millions of kids who are in between being poor Indian children and being made of rags. Children who you can help with just a simple donation of $1,000,000,000 a day in checks payable to Mr. Dr. Rags J., um, Rags of the Lance and Eskimo Corporation of America. Esquire.
God GOD SEZ: "When you make fun of that kid in school with your 'kewl friends'-- you make fun of me (by the way, theyíre far from kewl!). When you jack a CD from Wal-Mart-- you jack it from me. When you-- aw forget about it cause I could go on forever (literally)-- letís just say that the things that some of you have done to me-- well, I donít even want to go there."
Rags RAGS SEZ: God, when you talk to me with your "kewl spelling"... you spell my doom. When you say "phat"... you phatten me so the witch can eat me. When you... aw skip it, I don't even want to go there. TMI!
God GOD SEZ: "I just donít want to see this kind of stuff go on in your life anymore. So start treating each other like weíre all each otherís homeys."
Rags RAGS SEZ: God, I love it how your way of being cool is to go through writing a sermon, then find and replace all "friend" with "homey".
God GOD SEZ: "Sure, given your circumstances, it may be tough at first, but if you put your trust in me, I can and will help you. And the rewards will be heavenly!"
Rags RAGS SEZ: Ooooh! You got some righteous babes up there in heaven, neh? Ehhh? You know what I'm talkin' about.

I know what you're goin' through... I have a son
--God
Rags RAGS SEZ: The best part about this one was how in the Flash animation, the ellipses were made of tacks that flew onto the screen and turned into periods. TACKS! Someone was throwing tacks at God's words. I wonder if it was God himself. I wonder if those were tacks he just got through pulling out of his own ass, along with the rest of the stuff on his website.
God GOD SEZ: "I know you're thinking, "But you're God! How can you have any idea what it's like to be me? How can you know what I'm feeling right now?" Well, you should know that I have personally experienced what it's like to be human. I have experienced the pain and pleasures that you yourself have experienced. How is this possible? I'll tell you."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Oh, please do.
God GOD SEZ: "I sent my son to live with you on earth for a short time and through Him I have lived as a human."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Oh, great. Not another parent living vicariously through his son.
God GOD SEZ: "It's hard to understand, but it's true (some things I do will always be hard to understand)."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Like seriously expecting cryptic signs on buses and billboards to change the youth of America, and only printing the poorly-written explanations by some guy in a God costume on a website no one will ever see because you didn't put the URL anywhere on the signs? No, I don't think I'll ever understand that. God, you are so inscrutable.
God GOD SEZ: "Unforunatley, there were many who didn't recognize him."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Unfortuneatly, God spells like a friggin moron! Didn't you create spelling?

I'm an awesome dad
--God
God GOD SEZ: "I want you to know that I am here for you and that your heavenly FATHER makes an awesome Dad."
Rags RAGS SEZ: God always wants be my father. He even has that prayer that starts "Our father, who art in heaven..." The other day I finally found out why. He just wants to be able to say "Who's your daddy," and all the Christians say in monotone, "You are. You are."
God GOD SEZ: "Iíll never leave you, die on you, ignore you, or choose someone or something else over you."
Rags RAGS SEZ: I hate it when my dad dies on me. Mom always makes me clean it up.
God GOD SEZ: "Iíll always be here when you need someone to talk to. Iíll cheer you on in the race and pick you up when you fall."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Right... the big race. (rolls eyes)
God GOD SEZ: "I know youíve been hurt before, but if you let me be your Dad, you will never hurt like that again. What more could you want in a Father?"
Rags RAGS SEZ: Not being imaginary would help. I tried to play catch with God, but he just watches the ball drop on the ground and roll away. And when I tell him to pick it up, he just disappears in a puff of smoke. What a bastard!

Let me be your ecstasy
--God
Rags RAGS SEZ: God, what is your obsession with being drugs? Remember last time with your claiming to be the ultimate high? I tried smoking pages out of the bible, but I just singed my patches.
God GOD SEZ: "Ecstasy. Ever heard of it? Your Websterís dictionary describes it as a state of being 'beyond reason and self control'."
Rags RAGS SEZ: I love how Webster's Dictionary is the ultimate authority, higher even than God.
God GOD SEZ: "Why would someone want you to be 'beyond reason and self control'? Let me give you a clue. There is an enemy, he is called the father of lies. Some people call him SATAN or the Devil."
Rags RAGS SEZ: That's kind of a big clue, don't you think? I'd have thought you'd give me more credit than that. Give me a real clue, a riddle. Like this, "My first is in insect, but not in louse. My second in attic but not in house. My third is in triumph but not in win. My fourth is in wrath but not in sin. My fifth is in heaven, and what does that spell? Not something in heaven but something in..." And there you trail off, because hell is a no-no word.
God GOD SEZ: " He makes promises he will never keep. He is out to use you, abuse you and lose you. I want better things for you. Put on your armor and work with me towards PEACE, LOVE and real JOY with a clear mind."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Armor? Oh, sure. Drugs are bad, no drugs, but war, that's okay. Thumbs up on war. Yup. Nothing more Christian than a bunch of gay guys killing each other.
God GOD SEZ: "True ecstasy is a free gift from Me and when you receive it you'll wonder why you ever settled for a cheap substitute."
Rags RAGS SEZ: No way is ecstasy ever cheap. And anyway, you're giving stuff out free, man, so you're not allowed to put stuff down by calling it cheap.

Don't dis the ones who love you
--God
God GOD SEZ: "If your parents get on your nerves sometimes, it's probably because they love you and are concerned about you."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Laura gets on my nerves when she--
Laura LAURA SEZ: Raaags! I'm not your parent. I didn't make you the way God made Jesus. Think of it more like I made you the way Dr. Frankenstein made the monster, or better yet, the way the sculptor Pygmalion made the stone chick.
Rags RAGS SEZ: You made me to be the perfect woman?
Laura LAURA SEZ: Uh... never mind. Let's see what God has to say about parents!
God GOD SEZ: "Don't DIS-RESPECT 'em. It won't be long before you are in their shoes and you'll know what they're going through."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Right. Like someday I'm gonna make a person out of stuff I found around the house. Don't try to deny it. Wasn't Adam made out of clay or something? I bet it was the cheesy non-hardening clay, too. It was probably not even the right color. It was probably red.
God GOD SEZ: "Take it from me- being a parent is tough. It really hurts when the people you love don't seem to love you back, especially when you're the one who brought them into the world."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Yo, eh, Jesus was a bitch to you? Why didn't you ever mention--ohh. You're talking about me, huh.
God GOD SEZ: "I have also observed that a lot of time and effort is put into into gaining the respect of your so called 'friends' so I find it very sad that many of you think nothing about dis-respecting the people who really love you...including Me."
Rags RAGS SEZ: You wouldn't belittle my friends with quotation marks if you had any friends your own, mope mope.
God GOD SEZ: "So start with respecting the one who knew you before you were born-- who loved you before there was time-- the Alpha and the Omega-- the First and the Last."
Rags RAGS SEZ: James Gurley???
God GOD SEZ: "Start with Me."
Rags RAGS SEZ: ...oh.

There's no sub for my teachin'
--God
God GOD SEZ: "There are a lot of people down there making all sorts of claims. Some people claim they can teach you to become really rich... (order now and youíll get this free video!). Others say they can teach you the keys to perfect health (this product may cause bloating, nausea, cramping, blah, blah, blah!)."
Rags RAGS SEZ: If God's idea of perfect health is nausea and bloating, I don't want him to be my ecstasy.
God GOD SEZ: "Hereís the 411-- my Word, the BIBLE, is the only place where you can truly learn how to achieve success in life."
Rags RAGS SEZ: But if you're making the same claim as all those advertisers, how do we know you're the one who's really telling the... oh, never mind.

Bro'... save me a seat!
--God
God GOD SEZ: "Letís say youíre planning a trip to someplace youíve never been before."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Okay, that sounds like a fun game.
God GOD SEZ: "As a matter of fact no one has ever been there before so there are no maps to guide you."
Rags RAGS SEZ: What? That would never happen. What are we, what are we, living in Magellan's time or something? This game is getting a little too fantastical for me, buddy. Count me out.
God GOD SEZ: "But wait, there is one person who knows the way and he happens to be a friend of yours."
Rags RAGS SEZ: What did I just say? God never listens to me and he's always spouting words. For example, the following passage, which has been edited for boredom.
God GOD SEZ: "Well, all I got to say to you is 'Bro, save me a seat!' The road of life, yada yada, potholes yada yada, ultimate road trip yada yada, wonderful sights yada yada. I, yada yada, the Creator of the Universe, yada yada. Yada yada. Trust me, yada yada. Yada yada, listen to my directions, yada yada. More words, yada yada. I promise."
Rags RAGS SEZ: Way to say it, Godski.
Laura LAURA SEZ: Well, looks like that's the last message "from God", so that's all for now from our resident ragamuffin. What does everyone think about Rags, is he good or evil? Reader feedback could be the difference between a triumphant comeback for my little Frankenstein's monster or... well, reader feedback doesn't actually mean all that much, but we like our message board to be bustling. Anyway, remember to tune in next Wednesday for something involving Kermit the Frog, and oh yeah, the rest of the week for more from my lousy brothers.

 

- Laura