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I'm Sick of All Those Love Songs

Music. Humans, particularly those of the teenaged variety, regard music with passion and mysticism; it is an expression of the contents of one's soul. In determining likeness among peers, teenagers tend to use musical taste more than anything else--more than TV, more than movies, more than literary tastes, favorite academic subjects, or interests. Those who do not affiliate themselves with a particular musical genre are made to feel like outsiders. But that's a rant for another time altogether.

     Music thinks it's so great. But I have a question: if music expresses the true nature of humanity and all that jazz, how come it's all the same? Hear me out. Song lyrics are universally about love and/or heartbreak. In fact, there are only a handful of known songs that are about anything else. These are as follows:

Note: Songs about sex and driving are not included on this list because those are considered to be acts of love.

"Getting to Know You," from The King and Igetting to know you
The Rainbow Connectionunsure. It could be about love. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and say it's about drugs.
anything by Schoolhouse Rockthe joy of learning
"The Wizard", Black Sabbatha wizard
my new favorite song, "Corey Matthews", by Suspicious DeliciousBoy Meets World

You'd think, with the entire range of human experience at their fingertips, musicians could come up with something else to compose their little ditties about. I'm not saying love and heartbreak aren't powerful things in their own way, but is that really all there is in life? Of course not. In life, humans have more motivations and interests than love. Love's important, but there are other things in the world. So why isn't there anything else in the world of music?

     I personally think there are plenty of concepts and experiences out there just as powerful, important, and universal to humanity as love. They're out there, and if musicians would just get off their lazy keisters and roll out of the deep rut forged for them by all the love songs of the past, they'd realize this. I know I have, and I don't even know how to play an instrument. As a service to songwriters everywhere, I provide this list of suggestions. (I'd write these songs myself, but I'm terrible at writing music. Remember the Rory Birthday Song?)

Alternatives to Love in Song Topics

  • the power of platonic friendship
  • the transient nature of existence
  • losing interest in things you once enjoyed
  • a deathly phobia
  • misanthropism
  • the pleasure taken from a nice cigar or a well-prepared bowl of eggs
  • a nice game of parcheesi
  • the exploitative nature of the recording industry
  • the lack of musical talent of contemporary artists, particularly those in your own genre
  • solving a mystery
  • giving up chocolate for lent
  • how hard it is to play an instrument
  • how authority figures are whack
  • the origins of famous words and phrases
  • purchasing a phone
  • taping your favorite show to watch later
  • France's gift of the Statue of Liberty to the United States
  • bottled water vs. tap water
  • those little address labels you get in junk mail
  • uses for paper
  • how it must have sucked to live in olden days
  • kinds of dinosaurs
  • the word "shucks"
  • fixing the squeaky hinge
  • socio-economic factors of some kind
  • how hard it is to decide between all the different kinds of cheese at the grocery store. I mean, can't you just get some cheese, ferchrissake?
  • some princess diaries
  • what happens when you sneeze
  • how surprising it is that McDonald's was not founded by a guy named McDonald, nor was Burger Christ founded by Jesus Christ
  • I thinked I messed up that last one
  • whippersnappers
  • Swiss neutrality
  • bite-sized items
  • our friends the spiders

     I hope some of the musicians of this country get off their giant asses, pick up their pan pipes and their bongo drums or whatever the kids are playing these days, and get to work on some of these topics. And if you don't mind slipping me a little cash for the inspiration, that'd be great too. Thanks.


- Laura