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The Rabid Pro-Lizzie McGuire Hate Mail Creator

It's hard to believe that I wrote that fateful Lizzie McGuire article well over one year ago. It's been an eventful year-plus, and I've learned and grown a lot. Also I've recieved a lot of reader mail; and I mean a lot. Over the past fifteen months, I've become something of an unwitting expert on how to write an effective a Lizzie McGuire defense-o-mail. I feel it is my duty to share my newfound eptitude with the uninitiated, so that those seeking to rebuke me for my critical folly might not have to "reinvent the wheel," so to speak.

          Hey, I'm savvy to my fans. I know you may not have the time or energy to spend conceptualizing all of the various points against me! In the past, people like you have had to resort to brief, two-line emails. Well, those days are over! Now you can simply pick your chosen sentiments from the following form. You'll end up with a finely-crafted argument to rival Clarence Darrow's three-day final argument in the Crime of the Century!

(Note: All selections are actual excerpts from past Lizziemails I have recieved.)

Step 1. Start strong with an attention getter! Try to draw me in. Some tried-and-true greetings include the following (placed in alphabetical order for your convenience; please choose one):

Damn girl,
excuse me,
Excuse me,
hey u know what--

Step 2. State your thesis.

I just read your lizzie review, and I understand you're a critic and it's your job, but don't you think you were a little harsh?
i just happened upon ur site about lizzie mcguire, and now i'm sorry i did
its low that you would pay to to have a site that insults somehthing that you dont like.
I think that your website was very..very..very...wrong.
You must be poppin pills or something because if you think Lizzie and her friends are not even gonna go there
You are so stupid my God
I think your too harsh, all TV's like that.

Step 3. Claim to be Hilary Duff.

I would appreciate it if you wouldnt put your feeling s about me in writing for the world to see, thank you!
Look I wasn't the one who wrote that to you. I don't know who did, but it wasn't me. You were talking about Lizzie not me (Hilary).
I know that is going to be hard to believe but I am the real Hilary duff and I really don't know who was the girl who pretends to be me.

Step 4. Express your alliance five ways from Sunday! Check all the options you want.

Lizzie McGuire is a really cool show and i think you're a bi*** for dissin it so frickin much!
Lizzie mcguire is the best show!
lizzie mcguire show is cool
why are you critisizing lizzie mcguire! ITs like the best show ever.
I cant believe you dont like that show its is my fav! show ever.
The show is a complete most excellent show , It has comedy and style
I think Lizzie Mcguire rocks, your beliefs are just opinions.
hilary duff, and lalaine are both great actresess who are lucky enough to have a tv show!

Step 5. Try to reason with me.

it is just a freaken tv show
Its so funny how you watch it all the time when you hate it.
Maybe if you would stop bad mouthing the show and watch it.....u might perhaps like it.
If you have such a god damn fucking problem with lizzie McGuire then why have a page with lizzie McGuire!
So you dont like Lizzie Mcguire, there are people that do so why would u even bother dissing her.
if this show is so bad why is it still going so strong
Yeah, the show MAY be annoying, but for most people watching it, it's more like a fantasy for them, and it's their fantasy that YOUR crushing.
yeah people have rights to state their opinions of somethings...but u went a lil too critisizing some ppls favoritest tv show...
All TV makes things better than they are, but I just think that picking one show is stupid.
God if we had more people like lizzie and McGuire maybe this world would be a better place!!!!!!
And why do you make fun of the clothes they were. there do pick them out you know!
no one will care if you dont like lizzie.
And I'm sure nobody cares how much you hate her.
you're full of shit cuz ninjas are just fuckin sweet!!!

Step 6. Here is where the real fun begins: attacking my credibility! This is where you really get to express your individuality. Embrace the simple elegance of calling me stupid. Convey to me my own hipocrisy for criticizing something I cannot create myself (for financial reasons). Make sure to be unaware of the bitter irony.

I don't know why you have this stupid website up, because it totally makes no sense.
yoou are sooo stupid !
U think ur such a good girl!
U are the meanest person ever!!!
i bet you're just jealous of them b/c maybe you suck!
maybe even though you try to cover it, maybe you are stupider than ethan. oh probably.
ur lucky i don't use cuss words, cuz if i did, u would be the recipient of PLENTY of them.
your the one that sounds like a fuckin bitch here
and adam lamberg is so fine, i think you're just gay!
The reason they wear tight shirts is because they can and the reason you probably said that they shouldnt is because you are probably some fat pig that wouldnt look good in one. so there.
are u an 8th grader? didnt think so...
What are you doin poppin pills!
Here's a review of the show from Variety Magazine, a respected entertainment magazine read by every entertainment professional in Los Angeles. So if you ever want to be a real journalist, read this and take notes, cuz you aren't going to go anywhere if you bash the hell out of every good thing you see that you don't like. { insert review of the show from Variety Magazine }
i would like to see you get up there and do what she dose
i bet that little 13 year old hilary duff is makin more money than you so I'd be quiet.

Step 7. Offer advice.

Let other people enjoy the show without somebody like you critizing it.
and u shouldnt do that to people who work there *sses off to do so ,so if u get another thang to write a report dont do it if ur gonna be all b*tchy about it.
If your bored and have nothing to do but criticize, criticize TV in general. Criticize how TV is fake, dont go down on one show when every one is like it.
so just get over everything and drop all the stupid comments.
Go get a hobby!
Get over it.
get real
grow up
get real and grow up
get a life u have to much time on your hands
go beat your meat
if u dont like it dont watch it cuz we dont really care what u say!!!

Step 8. Sign your work!

Unsincerely, Wouldnt you like ta know!!!
with all due respect, Lizzie Mcguire's Self-appointed number 1 fan
Viva Las Lizzie McGuire!
lizzie mcguire ruleess!!!!!!!!!!!! forever!!!!
The REAL Hilary Duff


- Laura