Fiction LNE
Fiction Friday

The Bad Guy Adventure

My speeder raced towards the looming building in the desert. I quickly reached down and pushed the button to open my glove compartment. Fumbling through various how-to manuals (how to operate a land speeder, how to speak Ryllian, how to make your very own light-saber, how to send away for your very own light saber etc.), I found the subject of my query: my water canteen.

As I took a quick swig my speeder hit the Reeveet equivalent of the common giant cactus, the jerk and sudden change in direction knocked my canteen from my hands and away from my vehicle. I cursed a stream of words a Yaktuar corsair would be proud of and angled back towards the massive, colossal, ginormous… hell, it was just freaking huge! building.

I suddenly couldn't take my eyes off it. It hadn't perceptibly changed but something had to be different. Huge spires, creatures from every curve of the universe, towers, big glowing energy crystal protruding from the top. Then it hit me; the shimmer of heat from the desert wasn't affecting it in the slightest! It was as if it didn't exist at all, but there it was. I threw my Traveling the Desert for Complete Idiots manual out the side of my speeder, accidentally hitting a small bird like creature with three heads in the face. I frowned as I looked back at the "Aaaaaooooooogah!" sound it made. It didn't seem to belong in this place either. Its body didn't quite look real, as if something had created it and superimposed it into reality…

Something was wrong, but I had no time to puzzle it out for right on cue, a group of Storm Troopers dropped out of the cargo hold of the giant ship that had been following me for the last hour.

"It's about time," I grumbled as I hit the turbo button on my speeder. I hadn't had any action in weeks, it had been a slow time for adventure seekers lately. I ducked down as blaster fire whizzed by my ear and reached down for my own. With that stupid army of droids eradicated there was not much except to take bounties, or avoid your own… I chuckled at the thought of the droids. Building an army of droids was an excellent idea. There was no moral loss when a droid blew up, the only real difficulty would be mass producing them cheaply and effectively. But having them communicate through sound recognition and linking every one to a single computer was pretty stupid. I turned in my seat and shot a few shots at the first troopers in line. I hit one more easily then usual and he flew back smacking the one behind him. How many times had the droids been ordered to shoot them all and instead tried to find something small? Those poor ants…

The misplaced building was closer now, my destination would be reached in a few minutes. Don't ask me how I made six hundred miles in two minutes. The shadow of the mammoth was almost encompassing me. I had the feeling I was behind schedule on taking out those troopers, even though my schedule clearly said I had an hour to get wasted in a pub before tackling my mission. I picked up my ACME anvil off of the passenger seat and threw it backwards, killing the rest of the strangely pitiful troopers.

My speeder somehow hit a rock and came to a dead stop. Of course, physics implied that I flew out of my seat, turned my speeder off with my foot in the air, and flew perfectly through the gap between the wares and top of a fish stall, all before landing in a chair. Standing up to brush myself off I got a look at my surroundings. There was a used space-ship store on one end of this… village? Encampment? Outpost, that was the right term. A robot store was at the other end, and the pub was just inside the big building. The outpost was surrounded by a laser field which I felt the strange urge to touch, and creatures came and went.

I decided to take a look around. I noticed a rather large hole next to one of the used space-ships and wisely opted not even to bother. The robot store had a moving to SQVII shopping mall soon sign so that was out too.

Some commotion attracted my attention and I quickly turned around. Eight storm troopers simultaneously raised their blasters and opened fire on me. I knew I shouldn't have stolen all of the money from the First Bank of Trooper back in the city, but I just couldn't help myself. Suddenly time and gravity seemed to come an almost complete stop, but left me alone. I Watched in terror and awe as blaster fire inched its was towards my head for a moment before running straight up the wall. At about head height, I kicked off, noticing the waves lazers make in the air, and flipped. I flew through the air, positioning myself so my feet would each kick the head of a storm trooper and my jet-black light saber, in my hands before I was aware of it, would slice a third. Realizing I had some time to kill I itched my head, adjusted my clothes and ironed out a wrinkle in my left sleeve.

Time and gravity went back to normal as I threw the iron at a Trooper. I took down four, but couldn't get my feet back under me in time to land and did a split. Screaming in pain, I somehow managed to stand up before the Troopers had time to realize I was now behind them, and began fighting, I went through two easily, blocked the last two's shots and then cut their blasters in half.

"Turn around," I commanded. The two, completely surrendering, did as I bided. I quickly grabbed their underwear and gave them both atomic wedgies before noticing another man about to be attacked by another group of those idiots.

He nervously looked around, not seeing any means of escape and bumped into the wall of the building. Suddenly a ton of fish seemed to fall from the sky and landed on the storm troopers. He took his chance and ran right into the lazer field around the village. He flew backwards ten feet and twitched for a moment on the ground, smoldering, before floating upwards and disappearing. I glanced at the pile of fish. Behind them on the wall was a button labeled "fish dump, do not push without authorization. I nodded and not knowing whether to be happy or angry about the whole situation, I took one last look at the troopers, thrashing on the ground with the backs of their underwear still over their heads before entering the pub.

I could say that all the noise suddenly quieted when I walked in but I'd be lying. If anything, it got louder. The air in the place was thick from death stick smoke (one would think the manufacturers would select a less conspicuous name, like happy fun sticks), and the revel of nine languages I didn't recognize filled the room. A sign was on some sort of arcade machine reading OUT OF ORDER and what appeared to be many kinds of blood had coalesced down the side. It must have been one of those popular "roulette" spin-offs. Two aliens dressed in tuxedos and wearing sunglasses linked arms and sang on stage, making me wonder if it was karaoke day or if the bar owner didn't get much business. I shrugged and sat on a conveniently empty bar stool and had the urge to take some matches, but a group of robo-bikers sat on the stools and appeared to own them. I made myself look unhappy.

The bartender, a human, amazingly enough, asked why I looked so down. I frowned as I sighed and replied "My wife left me, I don't have custody of my kids, and I'm out of money."

"See that guy over there?" He asked, pointing to an alien with red skin and three eyes on stalks. "He had that exact same story two minutes ago." I frowned, gave him some ticks, and asked for a Corillian Battledrip. He nodded and went to the bar, mixing my drink.

After a minute I asked him "Excuse me? Why is there a laser field surrounding this outpost?" When he didn't answer I realized I was talking to a dummy bartender left there when he had to go to the back room. I got bored quickly, and began mulling over the air where my drink would be. All I had to do was steal the Trylithium crystal from the top of this building. It had enough power to destroy a small star… no that wasn't right… I shook my head. My thoughts were having trouble converging, ruining my cognitive processes… Though it seemed to happen more often when things stopped seeming logical lately. That was right, the Trylithium crystal would end the Troopers' reign of terror over this planet. How, I didn't know. And then suddenly I did. It was their power source, and they remotely fed on it to power those stupid suits they wore. If it was moved away from the Nexus of the Planet, the could not draw power from it and would be just normal anonymous men in stupid clothing. The bartender came back and I repeated my earlier question to him.

"The laser field? That's to keep the sand worms away."

"Oh." I replied hoping for a better answer. "But don't sand worms burrow underground? Couldn't they just go right underneath the field?"

"Umm..." He seemed confused. "I've never been asked that question before. Think about it for a minute, you'll understand." I thought about it, and when 58 seconds had elapsed I turned my head up to ask him and suddenly, it did make sense.

I happened to look back and saw a man with blond hair and a gray suit with purple short sleeves mopping up vomit. He had the air of an expert janitor, and seemed vaguely familiar… I walked over to him.

"Hey," I asked, suddenly remembering where I had seen him. "Aren't you Roge-"

"No!" He cut me off. "If I was do you think I'd still be around here? Get lost, buddy." I frowned and went back to my stool, still unoccupied. I could have sworn he was…

I glanced back to see the janitor and noticed an R2 unit sitting by its lonesome beeping softly into a beer. I looked back and stuck my nose in my drink.

Frowning, I took my drip and went over to engage in conversation with the R2, wiping the sludge from the top of my drink off my nose and back into the cup. I pulled my "How to Talk to an R Model droid: The Many Beeps and Boops of the Co-Pilot." manual out of my pocket. I thumbed through it, finding the "hello" sound and walked up to the droid.

"Beeeeeeep Beeeyoooooo" I said. "Whirrrrrreeeeeeeep?" The R2 replied "Shut up, Mac, I can still speak your language."

"Ralph, good to see you!" I exclaimed. "How's the wife and loudmouth humanoid robot?"

"Reberta? She's fine, we had two kids since you've been to see us. Which I may remind you is Bleeeeeeeeeeeeoooop!" I had been noticing something strange on my olfactory receptors, and looked behind me. Sure enough I noticed a Hurlin lumbering towards us, the other patrons clearing a path for him. Big, green, a distaste for non-ripped clothing, foul smell, and an anger management problem describe them, and also Reberta.

"You didn't get that new voice chip with varying volume installed yet?" I frowned. "How are we supposed to talk in a bar without you blowing your cover?" Droids that could speak other languages were outlawed due to their non-comic effect. The tell-tale stench of Hurlin faded away.

"Sorry Mac, but I can't go off stealing treasure and women's hearts every day like you." He replied dryly. "And you haven't come to visit me in three years! Here's the pouch I am supposed to give you." A hole opened up in his front section and a boxing glove shot out, narrowly missing my face as I leaned backwards to catch the pouch. I wobbled for a moment on the back six legs of my chair, into an alien.

I stood up, apologizing profusely, but the small, blue, fuzzy Hrnachkelyhhht wouldn't have it. He whipped out a blaster and pointed it at my head as he picked me up.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blow your brains out, bub."

I stole down the corridor into the heart of the building minus only my pants. I was lucky; sometimes when aliens got pissed at me, I was left beat up and naked in the female restroom when I couldn't talk my way out of a scuffle. I cursed the stupid droid for trying to hit me again. He seemingly forgot that "Warning, boxing glove imminent" played from his midsection before he tried to give me things. Or polish his metal, or make love to Reb- I shuddered, not wanting to go further. I didn't know, didn't want to know. He seriously needed a tune up, but was too proud to get one.

I pulled a fresh pair of pants out of my shirt pocket and put them on, covering my favorite rocket-ship underwear back up. I had spare manuals, batteries, paperclips, and string in them incase I got in a jam… Who was I kidding, I wasn't Yohan McGirlger. I just had a habit of collecting junk. I quickly made it to the elevator.

Large enough to hold sixty humans, or four Grinks comfortably, it was the height of status in the Storm Trooper world. I pushed the button to call the elevator down and was greeted with the recorded message from a card slot saying "Please insert elevator passcard." I frowned muttering, and began walking back to look for the stairs. I hadn't gotten ten steps when the machine played "Sucker!"

That was the last straw. I turned and ran at the machine screaming "Insert this!". I forcibly inserted my light saber into its slot and the elevator door opened. I removed my saber, ignoring the sparking machine and entered the elevator.

It was empty. That was it. No Storm Troopers. No super killer flying robots or weird aliens. I shrugged, entered and pushed the button for the top floor, three hundred. The doors began closing. Two minutes later the elevator began its descent through the jugular of the building, apparently not waiting for its doors to close any longer.

Suddenly music began playing. Elevator music. It was suddenly six hundred degrees in the elevator. What floor was I at? Only five of three hundred? The soft music kept playing. I covered my ears but it didn't help. The music seemed to be everywhere. I curled up in the fetal position, trembling uncontrollably. The music was in my brain! It was in. My. Brain. I began mumbling incoherently. My worst nightmares were coming true. My head was in agony, when was this going to end?!

I couldn't take it anymore! "STOP IT!!" I yelled. And it stopped. Just like that. I stood up, seeing the elevator light on floor two hundred fifty. I wiped the sweat from my face and breathed a sigh of relief. Leaning against the wall for support, I resumed waiting, before waiting and waiting. It didn't take too long for the elevator to reach the top floor.

As the customary "Ding" played when the elevator door stopped closing and began opening I readied my light saber for what surely would be a massive battle. But much to my disappointment, once again, the corridor was vacant. I frowned and pushed the button on my saber, but jumped out yelling anyway. I deftly parried the air, slashing, a whirlwind of black light. Dodge, thrust, slash, riposte! I smoothly went through the forms, striking down air after air. Suddenly there it was. The big one. The blow of nothing on lightsaber filled the air. I could barely keep my attacker from smiting me with one mighty blow. I was pushed away from the elevator. Had I breathed my last? Suddenly there was an opening. I barely managed to dodge a powerful swing before striking the killing blow. Panting I looked back at the elevator lobby. Still nothing there. I sighed and put my light saber away.

The walls and floors of the highest part of the building were made of glass. This was a hallway leading from one part of the building to another, suspended above nothing, and boasting a three hundred story drop. Perhaps to catch those who didn't succumb to the elevator music, or maybe an architect was just a little stoned when he designed them. Either way, the glass had meticulously cut out holes designed to fool the unwary sabatogee into plummeting to his or her death. However, someone had outlined each hole with orange crayons so I had no trouble jumping this trap.

Through a steel door at the end of the hallway were large sweeping blades reminiscent of a pendulum. Each swinging at a different interval, so one could not get past. I frowned, this would be more difficult then jumping small pits. I looked around, trying to puzzle this one out. I was getting ready to just jump past them when I got an idea. I took a large grappling hook out of my Utili-Jedi Belt™ stolen from someone who had found a Jedi murdered by a rather large beetle. And when I say large, I mean Floog large. I quickly tossed my hook into the gears for the whole trap and hoped it would jam the contraption. It didn't.

Sighing, I waited for the first blade to swing towards me, then leapt up the side of it, hanging on the pole that suspended it from the ceiling. Deciding this was too much effort, leaping from blade to blade. I jumped down and ran past each blade on its upswing.

I walked through a maze of hallways and had to stop for directions at the head custodians office. He was a strange creature, covered in green fur with sticklike arms. But he was one of the few creatures that didn't seem to stick out completely. Finding the directions to be accurate I came to a giant steel door with signs reading "KEEP OUT!", "GO AWAY!", and strangely "THE WIZARD IS BUSY!"

"All righty." I said to no one in particular as I pushed the CLOSE button on the door. It slid open and I stepped inside the crystal chamber.

Well, I should say outside into the crystal chamber. Actually I should say I stepped outside and noticed the crystal, suspended between two pylons. The "chamber" was actually just the roof. Big enough to hold a small auditorium comfortably, it was rather anti-climatic. I was hoping for some big noisy glowing things. Maybe there were too many aliens to do both. I frowned thoughtfully, that was a strange thought.

"Don't move!" A voice suddenly said from behind me, causing me to stop and turn around. I gasped. It was-

"That's right, Michael Stone. Mr. Hermann, your first grade teacher." I cringed as he said my name. "And now, meet your fate!" I wrinkled my eyebrows as I looked at him.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead, Hermann?" I asked, slightly confused but resorting to my old tough guy manner.

"What?!" He smacked a corporeal hand to his ethereal forehead. "That's why everybody kept running from me on my way up here! Well, I'll still give you your message." He cleared his throat. "WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU!" He screamed as he vanished. I turned just in time to see a yellow blur fly past me as I jumped out of the way. My eyes went wide. It was…Darth Salesman! His yellow sports coat distracted me for a second, but that second was while he was standing up from having hit the wall trying to get me. We stood to face each other, the wind ruffling my trenchcoat and his lime green cape. He adjusted the yellow zoot suit-type hat on his head, hiding his features, except for a bushy gray beard.

I drew my black light saber as he drew his own purple triple bladed - lighted? - one. I had heard about that weapon. All three blades were on one end, because the double sided light saber had caused too many deaths from the blade revealing itself in the bodies of its users. It was said it had a mind of its own, but it was also said a single Gungan had ruined the lives of seven people just by existing. And there was only one of those I could think of, but someone assassinated him before he could say two words. Apparently one was enough. I turned my attention back to the eyesore in front of me.

He lunged and I blocked his swing. I attacked and he caught me in mid slice. He began pushing me back towards the edge. I could feel it looming behind me. He attacked a hole in my defense and I toppled over the edge. I somehow managed to grab on to the edge and hung there, desperately clinging to my life, and the future of the planet.

"So, Michael Vorhaul Stone, we meet again. Feeling a little down?" He laughed at his own joke, his snorting chortle making me think twice about hanging on. I grunted before replying "I've never met you, you're thinking of my brother, whom you killed! I just watched because I was too young to fight then, you didn't even know I was there." I didn't think that had happened, actually, I only had a sister, who was still alive, owner of one of the few space casinos. I wondered for a split second where those words had come from.

"Well, no matter, I'll enjoy watching you die!" He lifted his saber over his head, ignoring mine at his feet, and was about to cut my hands off and watch me fall when something pushed me back onto the ledge and put my saber in my hands. My surprise was cut short (no pun intended) as I sliced off his left hand on my way up and dashed to the Trylithium Crystal, pulling the pouch out of my pocket. I touched it to the crystal and it shrank small enough to fit inside. I pocketed it.

Darth Salesman was there, I had cut off his off-hand and he was a being that did not, or could not bleed. Frowning, I went into my ready stance. We battled. I pushed him back, but every time, he would find a way to turn it around. We went from side to side, through the center, up ramps, down slides. I frowned in concentration, and he seemed to be surprised at my skill, since I wasn't a Jedi myself. But it wasn't quite enough. We went on, and I was quickly tiring. Then, I saw my chance. I pointed behind him saying "Look, merchandising franchise!" He turned to look and I kicked him in the chest as hard as I could. He stumbled backwards, his heels barely balancing on the edge of the building. His arms waving, he spoke, his words full of fear. "Help me! I can give you power! I can put you in a movie! And I won't kill you at the end! I swear!" Without a second thought I flicked his forehead. He seemed to fall slowly, like the air around him was jelly. His arms waving, he plummeted slowly to the ground. I picked up his light saber, adding it to my new collection, and waited for him to die. After waiting, I did some waiting before passing some time. It seemed like forever, and was probably close, because I had beard stubble when he hit the ground. His last words somehow drifted up to me; "My money..."

I smacked myself in the forehead as I turned and noticed the "ELEVATOR TO OUTSIDE" sign. Pushing the button, I remarked to nobody that it hadn't been such a bland day after all.