THE EPIC OF BADWATER BEAUDRY
This is a brilliant poem about a legendary French-Canadian fur trapper named Badwater Beaudry. It has been passed down orally from generation to generation in the Redcloud family. Here I have preserved it for the ages--sloppy rhyme scheme and all--so you can scare your children as well.
On Come-Hither Mountain on San Quentin Peaks
In the deepest Ontario, where the wild mink creeps
Lies Badwater Beaudry his body interred;
A big burly skeleton with a bushy brown beard
Under a rock with the epitaph "VERDE."
Now Badwater Beaudry once travelled the land
Of Canada, the tremendous country that spanned
From east to the west and from north to the slightly more southern north
And even though it sucked he thought it was grand
He even liked Crash Test Dummies, Canada's only "band".
Badwater Beaudry travelled afar
He hooked up his wagon to a really dim star,
With calloused foot and a busted up nose
He dragged his beaver skins through Canada's snows
He was the murderer of ten thousand moose.
One lonely day when the blizzard was high
Badwater Beaudry was buried up to his thigh
With a pelt on his shoulder and a blade in his hand;
He shouted out loud, his voice echoed out over the land
"Not the muck or the mire or the sleet or the snow; drive out a Beaudry from six feet of snow!"
Now poor Beaudry was howling in need of some aid
When who should come along but mean Mister Grizzly Bear
Sharpening his claws on the Prince of Bel Air.
He decided to give Badwater a bit of a scare
So he danced on his head and ripped out all his hair.
Now Badwater Beaudry was rip roaring pissed!
He threw his knife at the Grizzly, but missed,
And hit a park ranger right in the chest;
It went through his heart and quite ruined his vest.
Too bad, Badwater, you're doing your best.
The Grizzly ripped Badwater out up from the ice
And flattened him soundly with rocks, like a vise
Then packed him tight in snow, and rolled him down a hill;
He crashed through ten cabins, and an abandoned mill
The P.M. was furious--what a horrible pill.
Next Badwater began delivering his famous routine:
He danced around and vented his spleen
While the veins all stood out in his neck:
"Not the Bear nor the Ranger nor an unreasonable Quebec
Will stop Badwater Beaudry from raising all heck!"
Now the Bear was quite scared, and beginning to run,
Fell into a ditch, and broke his bum
So Badwater beat him and tied him to a log
And then set it on fire, and rolled it into a bog
And smiling, he remarked, "That species of hog
Never knew what hit him! Zut! Que'le du et fromage!"
Then later that day Badwater was slurping a lake
When he realized that was a horrid mistake;
He began to moan, and feel his tummyache
Which hurt quite a bit, what a pitiful Canuck!
And that's how he got his name, and that's the end of this book!!!
/==============\ /\ \/
|================| __/\ \/
/// |(( (( \\\\
// **** ****\\\_
/| (o) / (o) (\
/| |____ \\
//\ /////\\\\\ \\
// (_I_I_I_I_) \