septembre 06, 2002
don't smoke

So, I had this interview at a literary agency just because I thought I would -- life is difficult when you don't really have to go into the office ever, it involves too much get-up-and-go if you really want to get up and go, & I miss coffee breaks & secret time-wasting and liquid lunches and office romances. And it was terrible. The woman was the hugest bitch in the world: tall, dark and bespectacled, in an unbecoming clingy green blouse with a lime-sucking expression on her face (not surprised enough or awake enough for it to be lemons), she pulsed my hand with hers and led me stiffly into an office where she barked at me for hours. Or rather, twenty minutes. It was a fucking short interview. However: as I lifted a consolation cigarette to my lips on a blindingly sunny downtown corner, a little man in a seersucker suit started quoting statistics at me about cancer and stuff like that. Very obliging, friendly statistics. I told him my story and he told me that he was a writer and would I like to see a list of books he has written? They are all apparently called "Notes of an Innocent Bystander" and there are ten volumes. He wants to take me out to lunch to talk about literature. He will buy me Indian food. Because I am so nice.

It was nice. He was a nice old man. I put away my cigarette, though I am not quitting ever. Someday I'll put up my essay about sex versus smoking and drinking, and why I'm better than Ann Landers -- you might want to post it on your fridge. Anyway. Then I bought shoes, without heels for once. They still give me goddam blisters.

Posted by anonymousblonde at septembre 06, 2002 12:18 PM

some people think that smoking is all sophisticated and sexy. its not. its totally gross and disgusting. shame on you anonymous blond

Posted by: dungaree danny on septembre 11, 2002 01:18 PM

It's "blonde," not "blond," darling. I'm a woman, not a surfer dude, and I don't live anywhere near Sweet Valley High.

As for the content of your comment: surely you know by now, Mr. Danny, that attraction and repulsion are two sides of the same coin, or more scientifically, two ends of the same boring-looking bar magnet. One man's gross and disgusting is invariably another man's sophisticated and sexy; I know this well, as I have had my share of lovers who cherished the taste of wet cinders that haunted my irreproachable tongue, and those who have begged me or ordered me to stop smoking at once, because kissing me is remarkably similar to kissing an ashtray. My second husband was one of the latter; my first husband and I rarely kissed at all.

However, I appreciate your advice, as I appreciated the old man's. It certainly does take all kinds.

Posted by: the anonymous blonde on septembre 11, 2002 01:27 PM

I think smoking is wonderful! Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Chefelf on septembre 17, 2002 08:49 AM

thank you, mister elf!

Posted by: the anonymous blonde on septembre 17, 2002 06:09 PM

Yes, but what about the snake? She's definitely following you. This is the price of cool style.

Posted by: Aunt Ruby on novembre 7, 2002 11:05 AM

Aunt Ruby, can you explain what you mean about the snake? I didn't know that one was following me. Though I admit that I have cool style.

Posted by: the anonymous blonde on novembre 11, 2002 12:48 AM

Why stop smoking? it relieves stress in clearly stressful situations...

Posted by: Canadian Blonde on décembre 29, 2002 12:39 PM

It certainly does. But we do have a lot of cancer in my family, actually, and kissing me is very similar to licking an ashtray. A really voluptuous and well-lipsticked ashtray.

Posted by: the anonymous blonde on février 21, 2003 05:16 PM

Let me get this straight. Kissing you is very similar to kissing an ashtray- a really voluptuous and well-lipsticked ashtray.

Kick me on the shin and stamp on my toes with high heels but that sounds incredibly sexy!

I've heard it said that cigarettes are a woman's best friend, but that's not entirely true. Her best friend is a man who truly appreciates the beauty and flavor of her exquisite addiction.

Posted by: Kenny on juillet 27, 2003 07:17 AM

You're right, Kenny. Kissing me is INCREDIBLY sexy. But not for the faint of heart, I guess.

You'll enjoy my exquisite addiction, but will you sit through all the exquisite chemo? I hope so! It'll be like La Boheme! Or Camille.

My dear readers: do you think this Kenny and the Canadian Blonde are the same person? Note the Canadian Blonde's e-mail address. I think we may have a less-than-Canadian celebrity in our midst! You totally need to know when to hold 'em.

Posted by: the A.B. on mai 26, 2004 09:43 PM
Post a comment

Email Address:



Remember info?